Well Suited (Red Lipstick Coalition #4)(71)

“We’re fundamentally different in the one place it matters the most. His idea of relationships is founded in love and marriage. Mine is founded in partnership, not passion. I can’t say things I don’t mean or step into a construct I don’t believe in just because I want to be with him. And he can’t abandon the idea of love and marriage for me. He needs a promise I can’t give him. He’s given me this boundary, and I have to respect it. There’s nothing I can do.”

She pressed her palm to her chest, her eyes wide and shining. “That breaks my heart.”

I nodded, swallowing tears of my own. “It breaks mine, too.” With a deep breath, I said, “But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re having a baby. We have to find a way to be partners again, to put our feelings away so we can do what needs to be done. So, I have to talk to him. This is all my fault. I knew this would happen. I knew I’d hurt him. I knew I’d get hurt. This was everything I was afraid of.”

“Do you really think you could have stopped it? Do you think you could have stayed away?”

Another sigh, my ribs tight and aching. “No.”

“Well,” Amelia started, “I know you’ll figure it out. And I know you doubt the possibility, but I hope you find a middle ground. You found each other, and losing each other like this is just so unfair.”

I tried to smile, the gesture thin. “Thank you,” I answered without hope. “How was Tahiti?”

She brightened up. “Oh, it was beautiful and relaxing and perfect. All we did was lie around in the sun, eat, and nap for a week.”

“And bone.”

She laughed. “Yes, and bone.”

I found myself truly smiling for the first time in a week. “The wedding was beautiful. I’m so happy for you and Tommy.”

“Thank you. And…well, I have other news, too,” she said, her cheeks pink and eyes bright. “I’m pregnant.”

My lungs shot open in a gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. “Oh my God!” I flung myself at her, wrapping her in my arms in an uncharacteristically emotive gesture fueled by my ache for touch, my relief in not being alone in my pregnancy, my happiness for her and Tommy, my inability to contain my emotions.

She laughed, catching me. “We’ll have baby Banes just a few months apart.”

I leaned back, beaming. “I didn’t even know you were trying.”

“I just got off birth control last month.”

“Those Banes and their high testosterone,” I said with a shake of my head. “So virile.”

“So very virile. Apparently, they can get a girl pregnant with a well-placed glance.”

“Well, I assume Tommy has The Look, same as Theo. I don’t know that anyone could escape a look like that.”

“Oh, he has it. We were doomed from the start,” she said on a laugh that died in her throat. She reached for my hand. “I hate this.”

“So do I. But we’ll figure it out. Theo and I work well together and are pragmatic enough to sort this out. I think…I think, once we do, we’ll be very good friends.”

“What if you can’t be friends?”

A flash of pain shot through my chest. “Then we’ll have to separate.” The tickle in my nose stung. “I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“Me too,” she said with the saddest look on her face.

“I’m going to talk to him tonight. He’s been avoiding me all week. I might have to camp out in front of his bedroom door to pin him down, but I’ve got a book and a floor pillow and all the time in the world.”

“Can we meet for lunch tomorrow? Or, if you want, call me tonight and come up. I’m here for you.”

“I know. Thank you. I’ll be all right, but lunch tomorrow would be nice. I’ll text you tonight anyway. I know how you worry.”

“I do,” she agreed. “I just…I want you to be happy, and I hate that you’re not. I was sure you and Theo were it. You’re so well suited.”

“I thought so, too. The hardest part is, as much as I hate it, I understand. His father leaving made him wish for a nuclear family. I can’t argue with that.”

“And your parents being flaky made you want to avoid love and marriage completely. I don’t think he can argue with that either.”

“Oh, he can. He was right. He hasn’t asked me for one thing, except this. And this is the one thing I don’t know how to give him. I can’t give. I don’t understand love. All I know is that I want to be with him.”

“Couldn’t that be considered love?”

“Not in the way he means it. I just…I wish we could have taken it one day at a time, one week at a time, a month, then a year. I wish I’d known how he felt. When you were little, you dreamed about your wedding day, your babies, of finding a man who would love you. But when I was little, I dreamed about being alone. About being self-reliant because my parents were not. They needed me, and they took without replenishing what they’d stolen. They were codependent when they were together and even when they were apart. Even the idea of marriage is tainted by their constant state of flux. When they split up, we all still lived together. Do you know how many ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ I saw shame-walking out of the house in the morning? That’s not commitment.” I shook my head. “I know it’s not like that for everyone. I know you and Tommy are happy being married. But I just can’t imagine being beholden to someone else for the rest of my life. That commitment sounds like it would require so much energy that I would deplete to the point of emptiness. I don’t know how I would withstand having someone need so very much from me.”