Up in Smoke (Crossing the Line, #2)(25)

“Don’t.” His voice vibrated. “Don’t do this when we’re both upset. Please.”

She spun around with a laugh, searching the floor for her shorts. “One or both of us has been upset the entire whopping two days we’ve known each other. We’re a couples counselor’s wet dream.” Having found her shorts just inside the door, she shimmied them up her legs, gasping when Connor growled at her action. Ignore him. Move faster.

“It won’t happen again,” he promised quietly. “It was an accident. We shouldn’t have—”

“What? Slept in the same bed? Isn’t that something you want to do with your girlfriend?” She realized she was shouting and reined herself in. “Look at you. You’re dying to pick me up and shake me, tell me I can’t leave, but you can’t do it. Not without more guilt. More failure. I will ruin you.”

“No.” He strode toward her, stopping a foot away. “I was ruined before we met. You didn’t do that. I did it to myself.” She didn’t have a chance to respond to his impassioned speech before he continued. “Or maybe I don’t even know what being ruined means yet. I’ve already decided you’re mine. If you take yourself away from me, I might find out.”

“You can’t put that on me,” she whispered. “Maybe you’re too noble for your own good. Maybe you can’t see it, but I’m doing what’s best for us both. You need something I can’t give. And I need something you can’t give.”

The wind left his sails right before her eyes, breath whooshing past his lips. She barely kept herself upright at the guilt driving spikes through her gut. “What can’t I give you?”

“Freedom. You’ll want to tie me down. Inside bed and out.” She swallowed a sob. As much as it would hurt to say what came next, she had no choice. “‘Don’t you dare go out the window, Erin.’ ‘Don’t get yourself off, Erin.’ I can’t live with the threat of my independence being taken away. I can’t live with you.”

Her words fell like a boulder between them, lodging into the floor and sending cracks to split the room in half. His half. Her half. She wanted to leap over the divide, crawl up into his warmth, and apologize until her heart gave out, but she wouldn’t. This was why she didn’t get nice things. She broke them. Connor was the nicest thing she’d ever had. That’s how she should have known it couldn’t last. Unable to witness the regret, the guilt, in his eyes another second, she darted from the room, snatching up her boots where she’d kicked them off by the couch. She shoved her feet into them and tied the laces way too tight.

“No. You can’t leave right now,” he said from right behind her. “It’s not safe this early in the morning.”

She straightened. “How are you going to stop me?”

“I’ll go. You stay.”

Tears threatened once again. She actually had to press both hands to her eyes to keep them from flowing. This was bad. Leaving after two days should have been easy, but her organs felt like they might rupture if she walked away from him. “Stop trying to help me. Just stop. I can’t stand it.”

He moved in front of her, eyes raging like a storm. “You don’t want to end this. I see right through you, sweetheart. So guess what? I’m not letting you.” His gaze dropped to her lips as if he wanted to kiss her, but she stumbled back to avoid him. No way she could allow his kiss. It would slay her. She’d never make it to the hallway. Connor followed her, though. Slowly. “You want freedom? Fine. I can’t stop you from slipping out windows or walking out doors. If I have to go insane with worry in order to keep you, I’ll do it. I’ll do it for how I feel when you show up again. I’m not giving up. And you insult me by thinking I can’t take some frustration. Some pain. Bring it, Erin. I’m f*cking ready.”

Time slowed, but her pulse sped up. She must have been secretly hoping he would resist, because relief swamped her. Not just relief. Pride. In him. A totally foreign emotion, since she made it a point never to take pride in anything or anyone, save her escape plans. “We can’t cure each other.”

“Watch us.”

Such confidence scared the shit out of her. She would let him down. She knew it. Being responsible for someone else’s happiness was horrifying when she didn’t even know how to be happy herself. “What if it takes a long time? Do you…will you need other women?”

His jaw flexed. “What would you do if I went to another woman?”

Red filtered her view of him. If she was standing in the kitchen instead of the living room, she would have flipped on all four stove burners full blast. Her throat tightened with the need to shout until she couldn’t hold it in. It ripped out of her like a gale wind. “I’d scratch her f*cking eyes out.”

Connor didn’t flinch at her ear-piercing volume. He only nodded. “Good. Don’t ever ask me that again.” His eyes darkened. “It goes unsaid that if you go near another man, I’ll end his life.”

Desire rippled in her midsection. It turned her on, that violent possessiveness. It stirred her, called to her own nature. But this was a lot to take in all at once. She needed some distance before she could accept it. Accept him and what he was offering. Five minutes ago, she’d written this relationship off as a mistake, mostly on his end. Walking away was the right thing. This little experiment would fail. She was positive of that. And yet the thought of never touching him again, not having the right to be possessive of him…it made her want to crumble.