Until Harry(81)

“We have been around each other since the day I was born. You were the first man that wasn’t my father to hold me. I know you were little too, and at that time it was friendship that sparked, but it changed for me, Kale. I’ve loved you since that night when I was ten years old and you slept outside my wardrobe all night with a baseball bat to keep the monsters away. I just didn’t realise you keeping them away would awaken new ones within me.”

I could tell by the look on his face that he was in shock. He couldn’t begin to think about the weight of my words until he had time to process what I was telling him. He needed space, and I was going to give it to him.

“You told me no,” he whispered.

I sobbed when his eyes filled with water.

“You told me no. I wanted you, and you told me no. I hurt when you refused me your heart, God knows.” He wiped his tears as they fell onto his cheeks. “I hurt so bad, Lane, but I learned to live with it. I learned that there was never going to be a Kale and Lane together in the way I wanted. I learned to love you without needing you. I learned to move on from you.”

I didn’t think I could hurt more than I already did, but hearing the words “move on” come from Kale broke me into a million pieces. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

“I’m with Drew, and I love her. She is an amazing woman, and she’s stood by me for as long as I can remember.” I looked up as he spoke, even though it was killing me. “I’m going to have a baby with her, I’m going to marry her one day. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at her and feel the way you made me feel.”

“Made”, not “make”. Past tense.

“Kale, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, and gripped onto the arm of the sofa next to me to keep from falling to my knees.

“I’m sorry too,” he replied. “You have no idea how much.”

He took a step backwards, then another, until he was out in the hallway.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” He swallowed. “I’ll always be here if you need me.”

He turned then and walked out of my life, destroying what was left of my heart in the process. Before the hall door clicked shut, I heard him say three words that would haunt my dreams every night for the next six years.

“Goodbye, Laney Baby.”





CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Day four in York

Hey, Lav,” I said, smiling down at the picture of my old friend on the front of her beautiful grey marble headstone.

I reached out and brushed my thumb over the image, then sat down on the cold grass of her grave and criss-crossed my legs. I placed the bouquet of lilies I brought her in front of the cute little ornaments on her grave and sat, simply staring at her picture.

“I’m sorry this is only my second time to come and visit you,” I began, then frowned, guilt gripping me. “After your funeral things kind of went to hell.”

I could practically hear her voice in my head say, “No shit, Sherlock,” and it made me smile.

“Things with Kale went really bad, Lav, and then they went even worse with my family when I packed up and high-tailed it out of here.” I swallowed and looked down at my hands. “I ran away and stayed away for six long years.”

I sighed and shook my head.

“I was so heartbroken when I found out you died, and then I found out that very day that Drew was pregnant with Kale’s baby. It was all too much, and I figured if I was thousands of miles away, it would somehow help, but it didn’t. My mind is my own worst enemy. Even though I couldn’t see Kale, I would envision him and Drew together with their baby all the time, and it killed me.” I frowned deeply. “When I wasn’t thinking about them, I was thinking about you and what would have happened if you hadn’t died. I don’t think you would have let me leave . . . I don’t think leaving would have even been an option if you had still been here. Losing you pushed me over the edge, Lav.”

I licked my dry lips and looked back up to Lavender’s headstone.

“Everything ended up being a nightmare, though. Things panned out worse than I ever could have imagined. Kale’s poor baby boy died, and now he is alone. I can sense the change in him. I see it in his eyes. He’s like me, just existing, and I hate that. I don’t want him to feel like that because I know how empty and cold it is.”

I picked a few blades of grass from the ground and broke them up with my fingers.

“I think about you all the time too, Lav,” I said, just in case she thought I didn’t. “You’d know what to do if you were here; you always had the best advice.”

I glanced around me then, checking whether anyone was close to me. I was glad when I saw there was no one around; it made me feel better knowing my conversation with Lavender was private. Talking to her made me feel better. Even if she didn’t reply back to me, I knew she was listening.

I could feel her.

“Are you with my uncle?” I asked in a whisper. “If you are, can you tell him that I really miss him?” I smiled as a cool breeze swirled around me. “I think I’m still in a state of shock, because I have moments where I completely forget that he is gone, then I realise he is, and my heart breaks all over again.”

I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand. “I thought burying you was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but my Uncle Harry’s death hurts on a whole other level. He was all I had from home after I left, and now he is gone.”