Unmarriageable(27)

‘All I said was it will be nice to be home again,’ Bungles said.

‘Tomorrow morning?’ Mrs Binat said very loudly, as if the decibels of her voice alone might compel Bungles to propose. She quieted at the announcement that it was nikah time.

Everyone in the hall hushed as the maulvi read out loud the relevant verses from the Quran. He turned to Nadir Sheh: ‘Do you accept Farhana Farzana Fecker for your wife?’ Nadir said qabool hai – ‘I accept’ – thrice and signed the marriage certificate. The maulvi turned to Fiede Fecker: ‘Do you accept Nadir Nauman Nazir Nizam Sheh for your husband?’ Fiede Fecker said qabool hai thrice and signed the marriage certificate.

The Feckers and Shehs embraced to cheers of congratulations, and Nadir’s mother and Fiede’s mother hugged with tears in their eyes. Turning to the newly-weds, they immediately demanded a grandchild. Nadir said that could be arranged. Fiede blushed on cue. Everyone laughed. How cute!

‘A few naughty uncles,’ Lady whispered to Qitty and Mari, ‘must surely be imagining Fiede in her wedding lingerie.’

Qitty began to sketch a naughty uncle on a napkin.

‘Disgusting!’ Mari hissed at Lady and Qitty. ‘You both need to get your heads examined before you really head to hell.’

Bungles returned from participating in the rituals of doodh pilai – in which Fiede took a ladylike sip from the glass of milk meant to give the couple fertility and strength on their wedding night and Nadir guzzled down the rest – and jhootha chupai – in which Nadir had ended up distributing a lot of money to Fiede’s friends and cousins in order to get them to return his shoe, which they’d hidden – and dragged a chair as close as he could to Jena’s. Hammy and Sammy also rushed to sit close to Bungles. And here came Jaans, who was regaling Darsee with tales of recent financial scandals that had befallen otherwise-upright Pakistanis.

‘Valentine,’ Hammy said, jumping up, ‘take my seat.’

Alys watched in amusement as Darsee took her seat. He did not say hello to anyone.

‘You look dashing,’ Hammy said to Darsee, and he did, in a raw-silk ivory shalwar kurta with a teal mirrored waistcoat. ‘I swear, you should think about modelling just for fun. I can already see you on a Times Square billboard.’

Alys longed to say that instead of modelling, it might be better if Darsee enrolled in an etiquette class or two.

Lady whispered to Qitty, ‘Hammy is making you-you eyes at Darsee.’

‘Gigantic you-you eyes,’ Qitty whispered back. ‘Her dailay – eyeballs – are going to pop out.’

‘Hammy is right, Valentine,’ Sammy said. ‘Times Square. Modelling a watch. Or underwear.’

‘Oye, Begum, Wife, stop talking about other men’s underwear!’ Jaans said. ‘I’d look dashing too if it wasn’t for you.’

Apparently Jaans was wearing ill-fitting attire because Sammy had packed his pre-weight-loss suit by mistake and, even worse, handed away his brand-new custom-made suit to their driver. Sammy had asked the driver to return it, except he’d already sent it to his village, to a cousin who was leaving for a job in Hong Kong.

‘That will be one happy bastard strutting around in my suit,’ Jaans said. ‘Who can train my wife in housewife skills?’

‘Not a housewife,’ Sammy said testily. ‘I run a company.’

‘Jaans, dude,’ Bungles said, ‘company or no company, pack your own clothes.’

‘Bungles beta,’ Mrs Binat said, ‘isn’t Jena looking lovely tonight?’

‘Yes.’ Bungles turned red. ‘She is.’

‘Mummy! Stop it!’ Jena said.

‘What stop it? If a mother cannot point out the obvious, then who can? Bungles, you must stay in Dilipabad for another few days. And if you need anything … but why should you need anything? God has blessed you with everything, except …’ And she glanced at Jena.

If Jena wished to turn invisible, Alys did too.

Darsee’s mouth fell open. Never in his life had he heard such a blatant hint. Neither had Hammy and Sammy. Darsee could tell the sisters were stunned. His eyes travelled across the table and connected with Alys’s, who just happened to be looking in his direction at that very moment.

Now that Darsee had, for the first time, looked directly in Alys Binat’s face, it occurred to him before he could stop it that she had luminous eyes. It occurred to him that even though she was the opposite of everything that was considered beautiful in these parts – an alabaster complexion, long hair, light eyes, a simpering femininity – she was uncommonly attractive. Alys held his gaze for a moment and then, blinking in obvious disinterest, turned away to talk to some girl.

Darsee was well aware of all the ruses gold-diggers practised these days. The most popular, Jujeena, his only sister, had informed him, was a pretence of disinterest. Although it seemed to Darsee that Alys Binat truly did not care. He found himself stepping a little closer to Bungles and, as it so happened, in eavesdropping range of Alys’s conversation.



Alys was talking to an ex-student, Sarah, one of her pride and joys, who’d badly wanted to go to university abroad. Her parents had set the condition that she could go only if she got a full scholarship, and Alys had helped Sarah get one. Sarah was in her final year and diligently studying economics plus literature. At the moment she and Alys were discussing potential thesis topics.