Touch Me Not (Manwhore, #1)(24)

“And you blame yourself.” Nikoli hadn’t expected that. Losing so many people in such a short amount of time had to be hard to begin with, but blaming herself too? It sucked ass. He at least understood her a bit better now and could build from there.

She nodded. “Wouldn’t you?”

He could have lied to her, but that wouldn’t have done either of them any good. “Yeah, Lily Bells, I probably would have blamed myself too.”

She smiled slightly. “After that, it got harder for me to let anyone touch me. I kept seeing her grab my arm and me pushing her away, and then watching as the truck ran her over. Adam tried to help me, he used to grab me in these bear hugs, but I just couldn’t…I started to shake, and then I’d start screaming. I couldn’t. He gave up after a while. It was an easy diagnosis, but a little harder to cure. It really is all in my head.”

“You equate someone touching you with death, specifically a death caused by you,” Nikoli muttered. This might be harder than he’d expected, but he wasn’t going to let her mental hang-ups deter him.

“So how can you fix that?” She laughed bitterly.

“With patience,” he said, determined. And some help from friends in the psych department. A few owed him favors and might be able to shed some light on her phobia for him.

Lily glanced up, surprised. Patience? He seriously thought he could cure her of her worst phobia with patience? Nikoli Kincaid was truly insane if he thought that.

“Adam tried that for over a year, Nikoli. Why would your attempts be any different?”

He studied her, and Lily squirmed. She also blushed when his gaze traveled from her head to her toes and back up, landing on her lips and staying there. She felt hot and took a sip of water. His stare caused all sorts of unfamiliar sensations to assault her. His smile said he knew it too. Here she’d told him her darkest secret, and all that was on his mind was sex! Now she felt really stupid. Why did she believe this could work? Nikoli was the worst kind of womanizer, and she knew it.

“Lily, Boy Wonder is an asshat and an idiot,” Nikoli told her. “You needed patience and a firm hand. He couldn’t give that to you. It was too hard, and he gave up. I, on the other hand, don’t give up, and I love a challenge.”

“How are you supposed to help me when all you can think about is getting into my pants?” Lily asked, rubbing her arms.

“It’s because I want into your pants that I can help you,” he fired back. “I have methods we can use, things that will help you learn to tolerate my touch, enjoy just thinking about what my hands will do to you.”

She swallowed, every muscle in her body tightening at the promise in his voice. Somehow in that moment, looking into his black eyes, she believed him. He might be able to do this for her.

“I’m sorry about your sister,” he told her. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of my brothers, so I can’t begin to imagine what you felt, what you still feel. Hell, all but one of my brothers have graduated and spread out around the country, and I miss them. If I couldn’t call one of them or see them…” He closed his eyes, and Lily just stared. She’d never seen this side of him. He sounded like a decent human being for once. “I am sorry, Lily.”

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“I’m a bastard. I know that, but I’m not a heartless bastard,” he said, sliding closer to her. She pushed herself as far into the cushion as she could, but he came closer, until he was sitting only about two inches away from her. Her palms started to sweat. “I want you to understand that simple fact. I’m going to push you, Milaya, push you well past your breaking points on many levels, but know that I heard you, heard your pain. I won’t let my own needs make me forget how much you’re hurting. You will always come first with me. You just need to be willing to try.”

His dark eyes burned with an intensity that scared Lily a bit. She’d never had anyone look at her like that. Those eyes held a promise. All she had to do was accept it. Could she do it?

“Will you tell me exactly how you plan on helping me?” She needed to know the specifics.

“We’re going to go slowly, Lily. First, you have to be comfortable with me, so you and I are going to spend a lot of time together. You’ll be as comfortable with me as you are with Boy Wonder and Mike.”

“Hardly.” She couldn’t repress the giggle that slipped out. She was too nervous. “Neither of them have designs on my virtue.”

He smiled, really smiled, and she couldn’t help but admire his dimples. Nikoli had a nice smile when he wasn’t trying too hard. It was honest. “Once you start to get used to me, we’ll move on to something basic.”

“Like?”

“Like putting your hand in mine. I won’t do anything except let you set your hand in mine. You can snatch it back without fear.”

“So you’ll let me touch you instead of touching me?” She’d never tried that before. Adam had always forced her to let him hug her.

“It’s all about control, Lily,” Nikoli explained. “Everyone has been forcing their touch on you, and I won’t do that. I may do a few sneak attacks, but I’m going to let you get used to touching me, become familiar with how my skin feels against yours. Once that happens, then I’ll touch you. Trust me, Milaya, you will learn to love the way I touch you.”