Toe the Line(85)

The last time I stayed at the house with Noelle, I hadn’t gone into this room, just stood outside the door. It reminded me too much of the horrible moment when I’d picked up the phone to learn my father had died. I considered this room haunted, the scene of some of my fondest memories and also the worst day of my life. Thoughts of my dad flooded my brain as I sat on the bed where I’d been when I’d gotten that call.

As much as my father and I had disagreed on just about everything, I’d only ever wanted him to love me. While I’d gone to visit his grave over the years, I’d never felt his presence there the way I did in this moment. Standing up to look toward the water in the distance, I spoke to him in a barely audible tone.

“I often wonder whether you’re looking down at me or, no offense, up.” I sighed. “Just kidding. Anyway, I wonder what you’d think of me now, Archer. I’ve ignored everything in your rule book and done the exact opposite of what you would’ve wanted. Not only did I nix the idea of law school, but I picked a profession you would’ve deemed too risky. You mocked me whenever I cooked anything, remember? Or when I expressed interest in anything that wasn’t in line with your goals for me.” I laughed angrily. “Oh…and I got my girlfriend pregnant out of wedlock. You would’ve loved that, too. And then I couldn’t hold that marriage together for more than a few years. Quite the opposite, I singlehandedly broke it apart. I imagine you would’ve told me I wasn’t strong enough to stick it out. You might’ve said I should’ve tried harder to maintain my family, that not only had I messed up my own life, I’d messed up my daughter’s.” I shook my head and scrubbed a hand over my face. “Oh! And you would’ve been even more outraged that I offered to father a baby for your best friend’s daughter. You would’ve told me Noelle was too good for me, warned me to stay away so I didn’t ruin her life, too. Am I right?” I walked back over to the bed and sat down. “See? All of this is what I believe, but I have to wonder whether that’s really what you would say now, or whether this is my own false perception. Either way, I need to change the narrative, Dad. Right here and right now.”

I spoke to the ceiling. “Wherever you are, hopefully you know I’ve done the best I could with what life has dealt me, even if you don’t agree with my decisions. I did the best I could for Mom. That’s for damn sure. Hopefully, she’s with some other guy in heaven, by the way, and not your cheating ass.” I sighed. “Anyway, whatever life threw at me, I went with the flow. But there has been one constant: I’ve been in love with the same girl. And I’m glad you got to meet her.” I stood up and walked through the bathroom into my old room, continuing to talk to my father. “Maybe I’m not the best man for Noelle. Maybe there’s someone else who has his shit together—someone like Jason. But I love her. More than he ever could. How can I expect her to trust me, though, if I can’t trust me? A lot of my opinions of myself have come from your voice haunting me all these years. What you might have thought of me shouldn’t matter anymore. But the only way that can happen is if I let it all go.” I chuckled. “Your granddaughter performed ‘Let It Go’ on stage not too long ago. Even your cold heart would’ve loved her so much.” I smiled.

Returning to the window in Noelle’s room, I sighed. “Anyway… This is me letting go, Dad. What needs to matter is love. I love my daughter. And I love Noelle. I’m lucky that life brought both of them to me. I will always encourage Clancy to do what makes her happy, not what pleases people or pleases me. But I will say, I know now how hard it is to be a parent. You gave me a tough time, but you probably thought it was best for me.”

I looked toward the ceiling one last time. “What matters more than anything… I forgive you for all those times you hurt me. And I forgive myself for not telling you I loved you before you died. Because after everything…I do love you. And I wish you were here. I wish I could’ve made you proud, even if I didn’t travel the path you would’ve chosen.”

I took a deep breath. I’d said everything I needed to say, and a euphoric feeling of relief came over me. Now it was time to correct the biggest mistake I’d ever made.

Downstairs, I caught up with Jean in the kitchen. “Thank you for letting me see the top floor.”

She put down a lemon she’d been squeezing. “I hope you had a nice trip down memory lane.”

“I definitely took a little journey up there. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to put some things to rest.”

“Of course. Enjoy the rest of your time on the island.”

“You as well.”

I didn’t bother to explain that I was jetting out of Whaite’s Island as fast as I could. Rather than wait for my flight and stay another night here, I started searching for a car service to take me to New York.





CHAPTER 31


NOELLE


I WAS HAVING a lazy day at home in my pajamas, doing work and filling my teacup every hour. Needing to get myself out of this funk, I decided to call Roz. I hadn’t spoken to her since coming back here.

She picked up on the second ring. “Noelle Belle! I was just thinking of you!”

She always knew how to put me in a better mood. “Hey, Roz. I wanted to check in.”

“I really miss you, girl. I’m so glad you called.”