Toe the Line(84)

We left the medical building, and Archie drove us to a local park. It was pretty empty, since kids were in school. We picked a spot on a bench under a beautiful tree. I looked up at the sky and tried to build up the courage to say what I needed to.

As I watched a gum wrapper blow by in the breeze, the words finally came out. “I need to go back to New York.”

A long breath escaped him. “What does that mean, though?”

“I don’t know yet.” Staring over at some pigeons, I tried to articulate my jumbled feelings. “I feel more emotionally invested in this process than I’d hoped to. I need to protect myself. I know you care about me. That’s never been in question. But I’m not sure you want the same things I do when it comes to us. It’s hard for me to express what’s truly in my heart when you don’t reciprocate. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. God, that scares the shit out of me, Archie. If I’m not able to control these feelings, I’m afraid I’m gonna lose you forever.”

He reached for my hand. “I feel like we both have the same fear. I don’t want to do anything to ever hurt you or to lose you. I don’t trust myself, Noelle. I’ve screwed up every relationship I’ve ever had.”

I stared down at our intertwined fingers. “You’ve been nothing but good to me, and you’ve gone above and beyond to make this process work. But I’m not sure continuing is the best decision for me anymore.”

Archie wrapped his hands around his head and leaned into his knees. This would have been the ideal moment for him to dispel my fears, tell me he loved me, and assure me he would always be there for me.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he let me go.





CHAPTER 30


ARCHIE


Two Months Later

Whaite’s Island



IT LOOKED EXACTLY the same from the outside. The house still had its wood-shingle exterior. Even the flowers out front were the same. I took a deep breath of the ocean air. I’d been here once since that fateful summer, yet I hadn’t really appreciated the experience the last time. This trip felt different. I was much more relaxed and grateful for all of the experiences I’d had here, even the painful ones.

“Can I help you?” a woman asked. She’d just come out of the house and must have been wondering why a strange man was staring.

“Sorry to bother you. I lived here briefly years ago. I was just reminiscing a bit.”

“Oh, that’s so interesting. My family and I are renting it for the week. It’s a great house.”

“So, it’s still a rental property then…”

“Yes.”

I continued looking up at the house, lost in thought.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

Fair question. “Yeah, I just have a lot of memories here.”

She pointed her thumb back toward the house. “Would you want to come in?”

My eyes widened. “Could I?”

“Sure.”

“Wow. Thank you.” I followed her to the door and wiped my feet before entering.

“Are you staying in town?” she asked.

“I flew in last night. Staying at one of the inns.”

I’d started going to therapy again recently, something I hadn’t done since well before Clancy was born. My therapist determined that I was still dealing with a lot of trauma pertaining to my father’s death and suggested I return to Whaite’s Island to face it. She thought my coming back here might rid me of some of the pent-up feelings I’d been holding on to. She’d pointed out that the last time I was here, I’d been distracted by telling Noelle that Mariah was pregnant. I’d never addressed the demons still haunting me, many of whom resided in this house.

So here I was, back at the scene of the crime. The decision to visit Whaite’s Island had been last minute. My original plan was to go straight to New York to see Noelle. But I couldn’t afford to botch anything up further with her, so I’d decided I should heed my therapist’s advice.

The past two months, since Noelle had returned to New York, had been the hardest of my life. That was saying a lot, since I’d had some pretty rough times right after Dad died and while taking care of my mother.

It wasn’t until Noelle left California that I realized it wasn’t just the pregnancy I’d been hoping for. Having her there by my side was the first time in over a decade that I’d felt complete. And I’d totally fucked everything up. Once again fear had kept me from taking the next step with the person who meant so much to me. My strong feelings for her were the reason I’d always kept Noelle at bay, like a favorite piece of artwork you’re afraid to touch for fear of breaking it. I was about to lose her forever—my ultimate fear—if I didn’t make things right. But I couldn’t fix things until I fixed myself.

The woman staying here told me her name was Jean. I chatted with her for a bit and asked whether she minded if I went upstairs. Her kids were out shopping with their father for the day, so she told me to take my time. No one else was home.

Heading up the staircase, I went straight to Noelle’s old bedroom. The walls were a different color, and the old nautical motif had been changed to more modern gray-and-white bedding and décor. The one thing that remained was the beautiful view of the ocean and the lighthouse.