Toe the Line(82)

He gulped some water, seeming more on edge than I could ever remember. “I’ve had a lot of time to think,” he said. “I’ve never understood the saying that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, but now I do.”

I sat down on the bed and licked my lips nervously.

He paced. “I’ve been miserable, Noelle. I was miserable the moment you left for California. From the beginning I’ve been jealous, sad, unable to focus at work. It’s true that I wanted the freedom to travel and all of those other things you used as an excuse to end us. But nothing in life matters if you don’t have someone you love to share it with.” He walked over and knelt in front of me, grabbing my hands. “I love you. I never realized how much until these past few weeks. I tried to be strong, sit back while you pursued your dream of having a baby, even if it secretly killed me, but it turns out…I’m not that strong.”

I pulled my hands away slowly. “I’m not sure what to say.”

He stood. “I said I wasn’t willing to have another child. But the thing is, I would do anything to keep you in my life, Noelle. Sure, a child at my age isn’t something I saw in my future. But I’ve realized the only future I can accept is one with you.” He paused. “And if a baby—or even two or three—will make you happy, I want to be the one to give that to you.”

As endearing as this seemed, I couldn’t believe it. “You don’t want more kids. You’re just saying this to appease me.”

“I only want more kids with you. That’s what I’ve figured out. There’s no way I won’t fall in love with our baby, even if I’ve been apprehensive. I was just scared—scared to start over at this stage in my life. But you know what? Starting over with you? I can handle that.”

Did he not understand the monkey wrench he’d just thrown at me?

“This is crazy.” My voice cracked. “I could be pregnant right now, Jason. I find out tomorrow.”

“I know that.” He sighed. “And I’m okay with that, too. As long as you come back to New York and be with me. If you’re pregnant, I’ll help you raise it. But if you’re not pregnant, Noelle…” He paused. “I want you to come home. I want you to move in with me. We can start trying.”

My mouth fell in disbelief. “You had a vasectomy.”

“I’ll schedule a reversal tomorrow.”

Jesus. I shook my head. “I just don’t understand how you could have such a dramatic change of heart.”

“This didn’t happen overnight. All of the things you say I like to do—going out on the town, traveling—I’ve done them all over these past few weeks. Nothing felt right. Nothing satisfied me or took away the pain of losing you. My mind, my heart… They’ve been with you this entire time, wanting to be wherever you were. These weeks have felt like years, Noelle.” He moved to sit next to me on the bed. “I even opened up to Jay and Alexandra about it, something I’ve never done—seeking input from my kids on my personal life. They gave me some good advice. Jay told me what a great dad I was and said if I loved you, I shouldn’t be afraid to become a father again. And Alexandra said she really likes you and feels like I won’t ever find a better partner. Their support means the world to me. I worried whether my kids would be upset if I had a child with someone else. But it seems they want me to be happy.” Jason took my hand. “It turns out, I’m only truly happy with you.”

My heart hurt as I sat there, utterly confused. “Jason…I don’t know what to say.”

His eyes were watery. “Say you’ll come back to New York, no matter the outcome tomorrow. Say you’ll be with me.”

I needed to buy myself some time. “I don’t know.”

Jason’s nostrils flared. “Is it him? We should talk about your feelings for Archie if that’s what’s holding you back.”

“Archie hasn’t expressed that he wants to be with me,” I said.

“Have you slept with him?”

My stomach churned. “We started sleeping together after you and I broke up. Nothing happened before then.”

Jason grimaced as if my admission physically pained him. “That wasn’t what I wanted to hear…but I can’t fault you for it.” He took my hand. “Even that doesn’t change how I feel.”

I looked down at our hands. “I can’t even begin to process this.”

“You don’t need to say anything now. I just needed to let you know where things stand. Promise me you’ll consider everything I had to say tonight.”

Feeling more unsure than ever, I nodded.

? ? ?

When Jason dropped me off back at the house that night, I opened the door to find Archie sitting in the living room. He stood the moment I walked in the door.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, thrown completely off kilter yet again.

“I came to see you. I figured out why you left the restaurant.”

My head spun as Roz retreated to her room.

“What happened with Jason?” he asked, a vein about to pop from his neck. “Why is he here?”

My eyes filled with tears as all of the stress came crashing down on me. “I can’t rehash everything tonight, Archie. I’m spent.”