Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(39)

She took deep, calming breaths, then downed her water like she hadn’t had any all day. I felt bad that she was embarrassed; that hadn’t been her fault. That was mine. I’d gotten carried away, taken things too far. I shouldn’t have leaned in…I shouldn’t have been touching her to begin with. And I definitely shouldn’t have been playing my own porno in my head, with the pair of us as the stars.

There was no good way to apologize for that though, so instead I said, “Sorry about the movie choice…” I made myself laugh when she looked back up at me. Keep it light. “Griffin is, well…Griffin.” I shrugged. Not wanting her to say anything that might lead to a conversation I didn’t want to have, I asked, “You seemed upset earlier on the stairs. You want to talk about your dream?”

I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest, feigning casualness. When all else fails, fake it. Kiera’s brows drew together as she took in my posture. She still seemed shaken, embarrassed, and really confused. “I don’t remember it…just that it was bad.”

“Oh.” I was suddenly struck with a bout of guilt and grief. Her dream had to have been about me then. I was causing her pain, and I’d just made it worse by caving in to my desires for her. I needed her closeness, but I had to keep her at a distance. It was a fine line to walk, and I wasn’t sure that I could.

Upset herself, she set down her glass and started walking past me. “I’m tired…Good night, Kellan.”

It took everything in my power to not stop her and pull her in for a hug. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered.

After she left the room, I dropped my head into my hands. What the f*ck did I just do? What the f*ck did I just let happen? I could have ruined everything. Slumping against the counter, I massaged the bridge of my nose where I could feel a massive headache forming. Maybe I already had ruined everything. I really wouldn’t know until tomorrow, when I saw Kiera again. For the first time in a long time, I never wanted tomorrow to come.

Its arrival was inevitable though. When dawn broke through my window, my eyes were already open. I hadn’t slept much, if at all. Last night had been way too close. I owed Denny more than that. So much more.

I was nervous when I went downstairs. Nerves weren’t something I suffered from a lot, so when I got them, they were almost crippling. I was scared that she’d want to “talk.” I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to pretend last night never happened. I wanted things to go back to normal. Well, our version of normal. I just wanted to hug her and not have it be weird. Maybe if I didn’t mention it, she’d think last night was just part of her dream. God, I hoped she hadn’t had a nightmare about me. I didn’t want to hurt her, not even in her head.

When I heard her coming down the stairs, my hands started shaking. “Stop it,” I whispered, clenching and unclenching them. She didn’t need to know I was freaking out. I inhaled a deep breath, then put on my game face. I should probably thank my parents for giving me so many opportunities to perfect it.

Besides my heart rate spiking, everything was normal when Kiera stepped into the kitchen. Her cheeks reddened, so she was probably still embarrassed. I didn’t give her time to dwell on it. “Mornin’. Coffee?” I extended the steaming cup in my hand to her.

She smiled as she took it. The weariness under her eyes hadn’t lessened any; she must have slept about as well as I had. “Thank you.”

I poured another cup for me while Kiera poured creamer into hers. We sat at the table together, and a second of sadness washed over me. We hadn’t hugged. Kiera frowned, and my thought evaporated. Fuck. She wants to talk. No, please. Let’s just let it go. Some things don’t ever need to be talked about. Like how much I want you, and how wrong it is to feel that way.

“What?” I whispered, wishing I were anywhere but here.

She looked confused as she pointed to my shirt. “You never did get me one, you know.”

I looked down at my T-shirt. It was the Douchebags one she’d mentioned before that she’d wanted. I’d been meaning to grab her one, but it had slipped my mind.

Relief washed through me that we weren’t having the conversation from hell, the one I’d been dreading all morning. “Oh…you’re right.” I was brimming with good feelings now that we were past the hard part. Not wanting to deal with Griffin anytime soon and liking the idea of Kiera wearing my shirt, I stood and slipped it off. Her eyes brightened at my half-nakedness; she suddenly didn’t look tired at all. The way she looked at my body made me want to be naked all the time, but that wasn’t exactly a good idea. The connection between us was already difficult enough.

I fixed the shirt and looped it over her head. She just gaped at me, so I put her arms through the sleeves like she was a child. “There, you can have mine.” She looked good in my shirt. I should have given it to her ages ago.

She sputtered on a response as her cheeks turned a charming shade of rose. “I didn’t mean…You didn’t have to…”

She couldn’t seem to form any more words than that. So cute. I got the gist of what she was saying though, and I laughed as I told her, “Don’t worry about it. I can get more. You wouldn’t believe how many of those damn things Griffin made.”

I turned to leave the room, then looked back at Kiera. She was staring at my ass. When she realized she’d been caught, her cheeks went from rosy to bright red. Most girls I knew would devour me with their eyes and not give a shit if I noticed, but Kiera was always so embarrassed. Containing my laughter, I smiled and looked down. She was so damn adorable, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I loved the way she looked at me.