Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(122)
Whenever I was around Kiera, I watched her relentlessly. I ached with the need to touch her, and when I looked into her eyes, I saw the same need reflected back at me. Regardless of her heart, she wanted to be in my arms. But she needed to forget about what we’d had, and I needed to forget about how much I loved her. Things needed to change, for both our sakes.
Oddly, I found something at Pete’s that I thought might help, but it wasn’t alcohol. There was a girl at a table who could have been Kiera’s twin, and I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was so similar…it would be so easy to pretend…and pretending would help me survive this grief.
I could do this. I was good at this. It would block the pain…and that was all that mattered.
After a brief conversation and lots of playful flirting, I took the pseudo-Kiera home with me. Stepping into my house, I was bombarded by the familiar scent of the real Kiera. I closed my eyes for a second, wondering if I could go through with this. I have to. I have to move on. After the girl shut my front door, I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen. I needed a drink.
“Want anything?” I asked her as I opened the fridge and looked around for some beer.
She came up behind me. Leaning in, she sucked on my earlobe, then whispered, “I want you.”
My mouth dropped open, and my eyes fluttered closed. Her low, husky voice made it so easy to picture Kiera. Yes…this was exactly what I needed. Keeping my eyes shut, I closed the fridge and pressed her against it. An erotic moan escaped her lips…Kiera’s lips. Needing her, needing this, I found her mouth. God Kiera, I’ve missed you.
Our mouths moved together frantically, and a groan escaped me. Kiera…yes. I felt her tongue brush mine, and all the pain of our separation left me. We were together again. I could have her, night after night, with no guilt. Everything was fine. Everything was good again.
She wrapped her leg around my body, and I ran my hand up her skirt. Fuck, yes. I’ve missed this, Kiera. I’ve missed you. My body was aching in a different way now. I needed her, I needed to be inside her. I needed to hear her cry out. I needed to feel that connection between us.
Just as I was about to beg her to come upstairs with me, my fantasy crumbled. I heard soft footsteps entering the kitchen, and I knew the real Kiera had just found me. Looking toward the door, I saw that I was right. Kiera was standing in the grayness of the entryway, her eyes wide with shock. Fuck. No. I hadn’t wanted her to see this, to see my desperation, but…I guess she should know that I was moving on. Or trying to. Maybe if she saw me moving forward with other people, she’d stop looking at me with those hazel eyes full of longing. I couldn’t resist the longing. I couldn’t resist her. I needed a distraction; surely she understood that.
My date hadn’t noticed Kiera. She was kissing my neck, stroking my cock through my jeans. A look of horror passed over Kiera as she understood what she was seeing. I’m sorry. I need you…and this is the only way I can be with you now.
I knew I couldn’t turn and leave Kiera without an explanation, and I also knew I couldn’t give one with my date present. Turning back to the girl, I cooed, “Sweetheart…Could you wait upstairs for me? I need to speak with my roommate.” She nodded and I gave her a kiss.
Breaking away, I told her, “The one on the right. I’ll be up in a second.” She giggled, and I contained a sigh. This wasn’t what I wanted.
Silence fell over the kitchen as I watched the girl leave. I didn’t know what to say to Kiera. Did I really need to explain myself? Oddly, I did need to.
To break the tension, I made a joke. An admittedly bad one, but I found the imagery funny, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. “Do you think Denny would be intrigued or upset if she opened the wrong door?”
Kiera looked like she wanted to throw up. I hated seeing that expression on her, but this was for the best. For everyone. I turned to face her, to face what I could never have. Sadness threatened to overwhelm me as I stared at her. She was breathtaking in the near-darkness, a level of perfection that my fake Kiera upstairs could never come close to. I would give anything to tell that girl to leave, so that this Kiera could take her place…but that wasn’t my reality. I needed to do the right thing and set us both on the paths that would forever lead us away from each other.
“You said before that you wanted to know when I was…seeing someone. Well…I guess I’m seeing someone.” Someone who I’m only interested in because she reminds me of you. Because I can’t get over you, but I have to. “I’m going to date. I told you I wouldn’t keep it a secret from you, so…I’m going upstairs now, and—”
She made a face that clearly said I don’t want to hear this, and I stopped where I was going with that. She knew what was about to happen in my room. She didn’t need me glorifying any of it for her. I felt sick as I watched the conflicting emotions alter her expression. I don’t want this…I want you. “I said I wouldn’t hide it. I’m not. Full disclosure, right?”
I suddenly wanted her approval to do this. I wanted her to tell me it was okay, that I wasn’t cheating on her, that I wasn’t hurting her. That she wanted me to find happiness, even if it was in someone else’s arms. If she was okay with this, then maybe I would be too. Maybe I could go upstairs and have sex with that woman…and not make her Kiera in my mind.