Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(118)

I lowered my hands but kept my palms up, absorbing every drop. Only think of the rain. There’s just the freezing, ice-cold rain. You. The rain. Nothing else.

“Kellan?”

Fucking-A.

My brief moment of zen vanished at hearing her voice. You ripped my heart out twice in the span of forty-eight hours. The least you could do is give me a f*cking moment of silence to get my shit together! I raised my finger to her, hoping she took the hint and left me the f*ck alone. She didn’t.

“It’s freezing…please come back to the car.”

You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me. Five minutes? I only get five f*cking minutes without her in my f*cking head? Rain. Rain. Just rain. Calm down. Still not able to look at her, still not able to speak, I shook my head. Take the f*cking hint, Kiera. I don’t want to be anywhere near you right now, but I still can’t leave you alone out here, so I’m f*cking stuck with you in my car, my home, and my f*cking heart!

Rain. Just rain…

“I’m sorry, please come back,” she called out from the car.

Oh my f*cking God, please let her shut the f*ck up before I completely lose my f*cking mind. Rain…rain…rain…

I heard her mutter, “Damn it,” then I heard her getting out of the car.

Un. Fucking. Believable. She couldn’t even give me this? What a f*cking bitch. Opening my eyes, I glared at her as she approached me. I wondered if I looked as ticked as I felt. I must have, because her steps were small, tentative. “Get back in the car, Kiera.” In my attempt to remain civil, I spat each word out between clenched teeth.

She looked nervous as she swallowed, but she shook her head. “Not without you.”

Still so f*cking stubborn. All peaceful thoughts of raindrops on sidewalks fizzled from my brain. Rage pounded through every muscle, vibrating them with tension. “Get in the damn car! For once, just listen to me!” I yelled that so loudly, my throat ached. I was going to be raspy for the concert tomorrow night. Great. One more f*cking problem she’d caused me.

My temper sparked hers. Her chin lifted, she snapped back, “No! Talk to me. Don’t hide out here, talk to me!”

Talk to her? What the f*ck could she possibly want to talk about? How much she loved Denny, and how little she thought of me? No thanks, I didn’t want to f*cking hear that. I took a step toward her; we were both soaked now. “What do you want me to say?”

Her jaw quivered and her voice was thick with anger. “Why won’t you leave me alone? Tell me that! I told you before that it was over, that I wanted Denny. But you still torment me…”

“Torment you?”

Was she joking? She was the one who teased me on a near-constant basis. Just the way she looked at me would be enough to have most men begging on their knees. And the way she kissed me was an invitation for sex in most men’s books.

“You’re the one who—”

I stopped myself in the nick of time. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing just what she did to me. How much I wanted her. How much I f*cking loved her. How much it f*cking hurt that I would never be good enough for her. How much I wished I didn’t give a shit about her. How much it killed me when she brought me to the brink. How much I wished we hadn’t stopped tonight.

“The one who what?” she yelled into the sudden silence.

I looked back at her. Really? She just couldn’t let anything go, could she? I was trying to not go off on her, but I couldn’t hold my tongue another f*cking minute. If she wanted the truth, then fine, I would give her the f*cking truth, in the simplest, crudest way I could give it to her. Maybe then she’d f*cking understand just how not-innocent her innocent flirting was.

I gave her a smile as dark as my shattered heart. “Do you really want to know what I’m thinking right now?” I took a step toward her; she backed away. “I’m thinking…that you…are a f*cking tease, and I should have just f*cked you anyway!”

Pure venom running through my veins, I took another step, putting me toe-to-toe with her. I could grab her, shove her into the car, and finish this, right now. Knowing I should step away and calm down, but also knowing it was too late, words left my mouth that I instantly regretted. “I should f*ck you right now, like the whore you really—”

Her hand connected with my cheek before the words finished leaving my foul mouth. The hit was twice as hard as her earlier smack; I was sure I had red marks. I was really tired of being f*cking hit! I shoved her against the car. “You started this. All of this! Where did you think our ‘innocent’ flirting was heading? How long did you think you could lead me on?” I cinched my fingers around her arm; I wasn’t even conscious of what I was saying anymore. “Do I still…torment you? Do you still want me?”

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she answered my question. “No…now I really do hate you!”

I felt like she’d reached inside and hollowed out my soul. Only residual anger kept me standing. “Good! Then get in the f*cking car!”

Not knowing what the f*ck I was doing, I shoved her into the open car door. When her feet were clear, I slammed the door shut. I wanted to open it again and slam it even harder, but I couldn’t function enough to do that. Oh God. What the f*ck did I just do? Why the f*ck would I say those things to her? And her face…genuine hatred had been on her face. And now she was crying. Fuck, f*ck, f*ck. I had just f*cked everything. It was bad before, but now…I’d burned a bridge, I knew it. Jesus Christ. I’d just lost her forever.