Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(121)
Stubborn as always, Kiera continued disagreeing with me. “Kellan…no, I wasn’t being clear. I sent mixed signals.”
Disbelieving her objection, I pointedly raised an eyebrow. “‘No’ is pretty clear, Kiera. ‘Stop’ is pretty damn clear.”
“You’re not a monster, Kellan. You never would have—”
Remembering this conversation from our earlier failed attempt to sleep in the same room together, I beat her to the punch. “I’m no angel either, Kiera…remember? And you have no idea what I’m capable of.” Just look what I did to my best friend. I’m a disappointment. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. You deserve so much more.
Kiera pursed her lips, unconvinced. “We both messed up, Kellan.” Reaching out, she touched my cheek; her fingers on my skin seared me. “But you would never force yourself on me.”
No. I wouldn’t. No matter how much I wanted you, if you didn’t want me…I’d leave you alone. You’re everything to me.
Not able to say that to her, I pulled her in for a hug instead. Kiera wrapped her arms around my neck, and for a brief moment, we felt like how we used to be. It reminded me of how far we’d come, and how much had changed. As nice as it felt to hold her, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t a good idea. Space was what we needed. Distance was good.
“You were right. We have to end this, Kiera.” It killed me to say it, but I knew now that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I wanted something from her that she couldn’t give me. It was time I respected her choice.
I pulled back to look at her and saw tears on her cheeks. I gently brushed them away. She shouldn’t cry; I wasn’t worth her tears. Cupping her face, I stroked her cheek with my thumb. I’d known from the beginning our friendly flirting wouldn’t work, I’d just wanted her so badly…it had seemed better than letting her go.
Kiera’s watery eyes locked onto mine as she whispered, “I know.” She closed her eyes and more tears squeezed out. It was so hard to see her in pain. It was even harder to know I was the source of it. I was tormenting her, she said so herself. And she was tormenting me. We were toxic, and we were slowly killing each other.
It was wrong of me, but I couldn’t walk away from her without one last kiss. I needed to feel her sweetness one last time, needed to securely lock it into my memory so I could retrieve it during the dark times, when I was cold and alone. Expecting her to push me away, I softly brushed my lips to hers. She didn’t shy from me though; she pulled me tighter. Her lips were eager, but I kept the rhythm soft and tender, and her lips eased to match mine. I poured every ounce of love I felt into our intimate moment. Without having to say it, I wanted her to know—I love you, more than anything.
I could have kissed her all morning, but I knew it was time to stop. Removing my fingers from her cheek, I ran them down her hair, and then down her back. “You were right. You made your choice. I still want you,” I growled, pulling her into me. “But not while you’re his. Not like this, not like last night.” With a wistful sigh, I loosened my hold on her.
Her eyes were brimming with new tears, and I could feel mine stinging in response. Saying goodbye was so hard. “This is over,” I said, running my finger across her partly opened lips. Her tears splashed onto her cheeks, and I let out a heavy exhale. I wish I didn’t have to do this…
“I don’t seem to be very good at leaving you alone.” I dropped my hand from her skin and kept it rigid at my side. Determination filled me as I swallowed a lump of pain in my throat. “I won’t let last night happen again. I won’t touch you again. This time…I promise.”
Needing to leave, I turned and walked away from her. My dream suddenly struck me and I paused in the doorway. You’re not good enough for her…
Before my interference, Denny and Kiera had had a consistent, comforting peace, while Kiera and I seemed to only have turbulent turmoil. Hopefully I hadn’t messed them up too much. Hopefully they could work through their issues and reconnect. “You and Denny are good together. You should stay with him.”
Waves of jealousy and despair crept up on me, and I stared at the floor, hoping they would pass. They didn’t. I wasn’t sure how I could do this, how I could let the only person who had ever shown me an ounce of tenderness go. I loved her so much, I had no choice but to release her. But not completely. I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t tell her the truth about Anna. She would feel a spark of jealousy over that deception, and I would feel a spark of jealousy over her relationship with Denny. In that trivial way, we’d still be connected. Until either Anna or Griffin finally told her the truth. Then even that would be gone, but maybe that was for the best.
A tear I couldn’t hold back fell onto my cheek as I looked up at her. “I’ll make this right. It will be like it should be.” I won’t go near you again. I won’t bother you again. I won’t touch you again. And maybe one day, I’ll actually get over you.
Days went by…they felt like years. I thought things with Kiera would eventually get easier. I thought that after a while, it wouldn’t kill me to be around her but not touch her. I thought I would be fine seeing her loving relationship with Denny. I thought wrong. Every day my chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and I felt like my head was imploding. I avoided Kiera at all costs. I made sure we were never alone together, and I made sure I never touched her. I spent all day in a fog of loneliness, wishing things were different, and I spent every night staring at my ceiling, willing myself to move on. But every morning when I woke up, the pain started over. I couldn’t let what we had go, and nothing was getting better.