The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(87)

Except she had applied herself, and it had all been... Average.

And then she’d thought she’d found a place in school. And then, even though she’d felt shame over her pregnancy, she’d also felt a fire inside her. Maybe she could show her parents...that she could do that. Overcome that.

But she hadn’t. And then her performance at school had slipped even more. She’d wound herself more tightly around the boyfriend they didn’t approve of, and they’d never understood why. They’d just...

Not everyone can be like Griffin, Mallory, it’s okay.

Supportive, but painful. She’d wanted so much to be special like he was. And she just hadn’t been.

She was afraid she still wasn’t, and as the years had gone on, she didn’t even have a clear idea of what it was supposed to mean. It was just a feeling.

This desperate, clawing inadequacy that had become part of her identity. A lifestyle of atonement.

And wasn’t that why it hurt so much when she hadn’t rescued Griffin and returned him to her parents?

Even Lily...well, Colt had rescued her.

And he felt like maybe Mallory had rescued him. He’d said that, her beautiful Colt, who had given to her like she mattered before he ever even knew who she was.

She wept. Fresh tears.

Like her whole body might break apart. Because how was she supposed to ever... It was exhausting, feeling all of this. And the only way that life had been bearable up to this point was the barrier that she had placed between herself and the people around her. Because she had learned.

After years and years of trying to make her parents proud, that it was better to just... Just do things that made them happy, not make waves, go on her way being accepted because of what she could do.

She’d stuffed all her pain deep down; she’d stopped trying to be like Griffin. She’d decided to get on with things and...

Her parents had learned that they could rely on her, and that was better than proud. Or at least, it was the only kind of satisfied she’d ever figured out how to be.

The only way to protect herself. And she had, good Lord, she had. She’d never told them about what felt like her biggest failure, her biggest pain.

She’d stayed with Jared. One part unresolved grief, one part punishment, one part self-protection.

And all of this, all of this with Colt, there was no defense. There was nothing. Nothing but feeling, and she didn’t know how to make it okay. Because it was everything that she had done her best to guard against from the time she was fifteen years old.

And she’d realized there was just nothing she could do. And she found other small ways to be acceptable. Ways that had carried her through graduation, through not getting accepted into college. Through ups and downs in her relationship with Jared. Through the loss of her sister-in-law and her niece. She had found things she could do. And people appreciated that, and even if she couldn’t be exceptional, she could be someone people needed.

And keeping busy meant there was less to feel. Less to...

She blinked hard, trying to keep herself from weeping.

And then she found herself in her car, driving toward Griffin’s house, because she didn’t know what else to do. Iris was the one who opened the door.

“Mallory,” she said. “Come in. You look... Terrible.”

“Thanks,” Mallory said, sitting down on the couch, her legs numb. “I feel terrible. Nice to know that I’m... An accurate portrayal.”

“What happened?”

“Colt...”

“That bastard,” Iris said. “I will gut him.”

She looked up at Iris, feeling miserable. Her sister-in-law was the sweetest person on the planet, and if she was offering to disembowel someone, it was because she felt really passionately about something. “I think I’m the one that you should gut.”

“Why?”

Griffin chose that moment to walk into the room. “What’s going on, kiddo?”

“I... I broke up with Colt.”

Both Iris and Griffin stared at her. “Well, if you chose to do that, shouldn’t you be... I mean it was the right thing to do then,” Iris said, looking visibly disappointed.

“I don’t know if it was,” she said. “But I don’t know how to say yes to him. I don’t know how to... Griffin, how did you do it? You lost someone, and now here you are. But I don’t know how to do the right things to make this work, to make myself feel okay. I don’t know how to not be scared.”

“I don’t know how to not be scared either,” he said. “Honest to God truth. I’m scared all the time. I’m scared for Iris’s health. I’m scared about the baby. I’m scared because I know that I can’t trust in a happy ending, not when there are so many forces in the world outside of my control.”

“How do you stop being scared?” Mallory asked.

She felt so small. So small and so... Inadequate. And hadn’t she always next to Griffin? Her favorite person, her idol. The person she could never measure up to.

Her fears felt petty next to his.

Her fears of loss and rejection, because as much as her grief stung, it didn’t create a lasting fear of loss, but of failure. Heaped on failure.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“I just... Griffin, you understand. After Mel died, and you left, Mom and Dad fell apart. They were worried for you, yes, but also you know... You’re their favorite. I don’t mean that they don’t love me, they do. They were just always so impressed with you. You were their firstborn son, the one that they planned. The only child they ever intended to have. And... Then came me. I’m just not you. You were brilliant, and you went out in the world and you made your own fortune and you did all this stuff that just blew them away. Griffin, they love you so much. Everything about you. Everything you are. And it just isn’t the same for me. And...”