The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(85)

He took a step toward her, his eyes far too keen. “You want a transaction. You were fine when you were helping me out. You left as soon as you decided that I didn’t need you. That had nothing to do with me. That has to do with you. You’re afraid. I wish I knew why. Who made you feel like you couldn’t be loved, Mallory?”

She felt like she was running. Her heart was pounding so hard, her eyes filling with tears. “Stop it. Stop acting like you have some deep insight into me just because you’ve seen me naked.”

“I do. Because I know you. Because I’ve told you all of my shit. You told me about your boyfriend, but you didn’t tell me how you came to be in a relationship with that bastard. And I want to know.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about any of this.”

“Then, like I said. You must decide where you’re going to stay.”

“That’s just... It’s not fair.”

“No,” he said. “What isn’t fair is that you’re alive. You’re alive—Trent is dead. You’re alive—my parents are dead. You’re alive and you don’t want to live. And believe me, that would’ve been the pot calling the kettle black just a couple of weeks ago. And I realize that now. There is no point in going on about everything if you’re just doing it to stay safe. I love you. And yeah, I want it all. The deepest, messiest parts of you. I want you to need me, the way that I need you. I want you to be mine. The way that I want to be yours. And when you can take that. When you can handle it... Well, then you can find me.”

He dressed, and she watched him. Was powerless to do anything to stop him. And she waited. For fate to intervene, because hadn’t it done so already with them? More than once? And it made them find each other repeatedly.

And the words exploded out of her mouth. “You don’t want me,” she said. “How can you? I am...broken, Colt.”

His face went flat. “What?”

“I felt wrong always. And Griffin was so...he was so great, with trophies in every case and...and so many friends. I was never that. I was just me, and it never felt special. And I thought I was special when Jared liked me, and so I slept with him. And then I got pregnant. I was afraid. I was so afraid of what my parents would say because Griffin would never...he would never.” She choked on those words, her throat burning. “I hid it, but I thought... I thought I’ll show them though, that I can handle this, but I kept being afraid to tell them, and then... I had a stillbirth. My...the doctor just didn’t care about me. I was just another dumb girl who got herself in trouble to him, and he didn’t even let me see the baby. He just...they just took her. The nurse said I didn’t want to see her anyway because it was early, but I wish I had. I wish I had. I...” Her throat felt raw, emotions thick there and expanding, bigger, wider. “I failed her. I got myself into trouble, and I couldn’t even... I couldn’t make it right by being a good mother. I couldn’t... I never even held her.”

She wasn’t supposed to be reliving it. Hurting all over again.

“I named her Lucy because she should have a name. Even though she didn’t get a birth certificate.”

He took a step toward her. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to relive this. I don’t want...this. I can’t try again and not be good enough, and not be what you need. You know... Jared was easy because he wasn’t good enough for me. He wasn’t. You’re right. And I never had to worry about being less when I was with him either.”

She didn’t know how else to say it and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to go deep. Didn’t want to show him her heart, her soul.

It hurt too much.

She couldn’t bear the rejection. Inevitable. Painful.

“Mallory, is it Lily? Is it too painful to...”

Yes. Yes it was too painful. Because she wanted to be Lily’s mother, and she couldn’t let herself do that either. “No,” she said. “It’s not Lily. It’s you. This. Us. I’m not the woman you want me to be. Not the woman you need me to be. And I don’t want to try. I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m...hurt. And I just want to...”

“Hide?” he asked.

That hurt. Because it was true. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Remember when you told me you had years you didn’t feel? That’s what hiding gets you.”

“How would you know?” she asked. “You were hiding too, just with adrenaline. How do you know you aren’t doing it now? Trying to make yourself feel better by putting all the right pieces in order. Child, wife. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but don’t act like your coping mechanisms are better than mine.”

“This is not how I’d choose to cope, Mallory,” he bit out. “I’m sorry. About your baby. I’m sorry that you were hurt. Someday though, you’re going to have to let someone in. Prove that they won’t hurt you.”

“No, I don’t.” She could have gone on, but she decided not to. She just stood there and stared him down until he turned.

Until he walked away.

Until he walked out.

But once he was gone, she realized, that he was right.

Healing wasn’t going to be magical. And if she could have done it alone, she would have.