The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(91)

“Then she shouldn’t act like an idiot.” He felt a mild bit of guilt over saying that, since he knew she’d been through hell.

But she hadn’t given him a chance.

To be better.

To be better than her parents or her ex. To prove himself.

“We all act like idiots, though. You thought that she was supposed to be fine just because you up and healed from your stuff? I’m sure she’s best on her own.”

He thought about Jared. He thought about the fear that he saw in her eyes whenever things got too real.

He thought about all the soft, placating thing she said, the way that he was the one who ended up sharing while she just talked, probably about feelings, but never about details.

“I know she is.”

“Yeah well. Would you give her a chance. To make it right?”

“I don’t have a choice. I’m miserable without her. I... I wrote a song about her,” he mumbled.

“Oh, well, now that is a miracle.”

Just then, the door to the saloon opened, and he knew already that it was going to be her before he even saw her clearly. She was wearing another of her pretty, girly dresses.

“Did you know that she was going to be here?”

Jake clapped him on the shoulder and winked. “I’ll see you later. Don’t worry about Lily. Callie and I have it.”

She walked over to him, looking pale, her eyes large. “Come here often?”

“I think you know I don’t,” he said.

“Yeah, but I wanted to be clever. An echo of the first time we saw each other. Because... That was real then, wasn’t it? It was real, and I was... I was hoping to make it into something less. I was hoping to make it into just sex. Because that seemed easier. But... Colt, I think I’ve loved you from the first time I set my eyes on you. I just... I learned to make myself look so functional that nobody ever knew I was struggling. I did everything. Took care of everyone. And it allowed me to control how happy everyone was with me all the time. It let me feel like I controlled my...my feelings of inadequacy. And allowed me to stay in control of my feelings for the people in my life, so that I’d never be blindsided by loss again. When you said that you loved me... When you looked at me like that, I realized I didn’t have any control. Because you do make me want to curl up and take a rest. To let you take care of everything. You make me just want to be. You make me wild, and you make me feel things that I didn’t know I could feel. And it’s... It’s terrifying. Because you reached down inside of me and you exposed a place that I want to forget exists, because I know... I know how it will hurt if I can’t make myself enough for you. If I fail at this. I wanted someone who needed me more than I needed him, even though I didn’t realize it. But I need you so much, Colt. And you can’t be placated or shoved aside—you see me. You really see me. And you call me out when I need it. And... You make it impossible for me to hide behind anything. And I want you. I want Lily. I want to love you both. But I don’t know how to handle my fear.”

He took a step toward her, and he couldn’t be angry. Not now.

“Give it to me,” he said. “Trust me. I will trust you. Neither of us have ever had a lot of trust in the world. Except... We found each other. I knew something from the moment I set eyes on you. The same as you knew me. It’s not an accident.”

“Do you really think we were meant to be?”

“I do. I feel it in my bones. Mallory,” he said, “I’ve been cut off and broken for most of my life. Guilty and questioning, but when I’m with you, it all makes sense. When I’m with you, I know that I’m supposed to be here on this earth. When I’m with you, everything makes sense. You have to trust that.”

“Colt, when I’m with you, I want to open up. I want to feel everything. I want to depend on you. And that’s the scariest thing, because I’ve always thought I needed to be strongest so that I couldn’t be let down by anyone.”

“You can rest with me, sweetheart. I guarantee it.”

“I want to.”

“I love you, Mallory Chance. I have this whole time, even while you infuriated me.”

Her throat worked, but he saw that it was a struggle for her to get the words out. She did, as tears filled her eyes and began to fall down her cheeks. “I love you.”

“You’ll come with me?”

She took his hand and led him out of the bar. Took him down the sidewalk and toward that motel. Where she already had a room.

“You planned this,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said. “Because... I realized that I had a lot of work to do. You. And me. And this is where I came that first night I was here. To hole up and make some decisions about myself. But you’re right. You know, I’ve actually been alone this whole time. I used that relationship as pretense that I was fine and healthy. But I was just using it to make myself feel good. I avoided intimacy in that relationship, and it was easy. I kept my hopes, my dreams and my heart all to myself. I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. While I played the blame game with all the things he did wrong, I didn’t realize how much I set those expectations. How much I trained him to be a boyfriend. Because it suited me. Because it can be safe. Because it kept me from loving somebody that I couldn’t live without. It’s scary to love someone like that.”