The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(66)

He hadn’t played at a family thing since Trent had died. He had played just a little bit at home, mostly at night when Mallory wasn’t around. But last time Lily had been overly fussy, he done it.

And he didn’t feel like he could very well say he wouldn’t do it now.

He took the guitar, and Sammy held Lily so that she was facing him. Everybody was looking at him. Then he smiled. Then he started to play something upbeat. Something his father would’ve played. Old John Denver that always made his heart lift, even though he couldn’t ignore the unfortunate similarities between his father and John Denver. Not the gift for country music. Their tragic end. But even as that settled on him, he kept on singing. About country roads, because he hoped that eventually something might lead him home.

But for a moment there wasn’t anything but the music. But the people dancing around him. His family. And for a minute, he could pretend that he was in a different time. A different time that still somehow had Mallory and Lily.

Lily laughed, and Iris grabbed her arm, and the two of them twirled on the porch as he played.

And it wasn’t until the song was over that everything real crept back in.

“It’s been too long since we’ve heard you play,” Ryder said, nudging his elbow.

But Lily had stopped crying, so he supposed that was a good thing.

He cleared his throat and stood up. He put the guitar away, and they stayed for just a little bit longer.

And for some reason, after that clean, clear moment when everything had seemed fine, the past felt more present than ever. And when they got into the car and started driving back toward the house, he turned to Mallory, and he didn’t know why he said it, but he couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Lilies were my mother’s favorite flower. That’s why I called her Lily.” He swallowed hard. “My mother is dead because of me.”

MALLORY HAD SENSED the heaviness that had settled over Colt when he had finished playing. It had been like he’d been infused with light when he’d been singing the song. His voice was beautiful in her opinion. Made goose bumps stand up on her arms. Made her want to jump right into his lap and do unspeakable things to him, even with his family standing right there. But she had refrained.

In that moment, he’d seemed light. It was the same when he carved those pillars for her. When he was creating, when he was making something beautiful for the world, he seemed... More at peace. And otherwise, there was this. And she was so very aware of it now. But she hadn’t expected him to say that. Who could have?

And she didn’t say anything. Because she sensed that he didn’t want her to. That this was a story he was going to have to tell at his own pace. But this was something he was going to have to sort out on his own. There were so many moments where Colt talked about his own fault in things that she knew were impossible. But it didn’t matter if they were possible or not. He felt it. In his soul, and that much was clear.

“My parents’ marriage was falling apart. They were unhappy. And it was... It was hell. We lived in a house, the ranch house, on the same property as the cousins. And every time they came over, my parents would smile so wide it was like their faces were going to break. Every single time. And then when they were gone, it was like it was worse. We felt like we were holding on to this terrible secret. That the Daniels family wasn’t perfect. That we weren’t one big happy clan.

“Well, my parents wanted to go on this trip to Alaska. A couple’s trip. And it was getting... It was getting tense as hell. My mom didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to go fishing in a frozen tundra. And she was mad at my dad because she felt like he knew that, full well. That she would rather go somewhere warm. That she would rather go to the beach. But he always had to do what his brother wanted. And finally, my dad just said he talked to his brother. And he did admit what was going on.

“I guess he did, but they clearly didn’t tell Ryder and the others. Doesn’t matter. Jake and I knew. Well, I loved fishing. I loved Alaska. I’d been kind of obsessed with it since I was a kid. Because I just... I wanted to see what was out there. I wanted... To test myself against something wild, and Alaska seemed like the place to do it. And I was fifteen, and...”

“Why you? Why not Jake?”

“Jake was seventeen. And I think he was getting laid.” He laughed, but it sounded hard. “Yeah. I think it was something like that. I hadn’t discovered that mystery yet, so the tundra seemed like a pretty good prospect. But it could’ve been Jake. Except it was me. I was the one that was supposed to go. Something happened, I don’t know. There was a big fight. And then... And then it was like things had changed between them again. Like they’d made up.

“You know, now that I’m older, I can fill in some of the blanks. Because they disappeared to their room for a long time, and I have a feeling I know how they were working things out. Either way. It changed. Still, my mom didn’t want to take my spot on the trip. But I felt... Well, I felt like it was something I could do. Something I could give to them.

“I waited, until the last minute, because I was struggling with being selfish about what I wanted. But finally I called my mom, while I was still sitting on the plane, and I told her to come back. She was seeing us off. And I said... I said she should get on the plane instead. She did.”

He was silent for a long moment. The road noise, the tires on the gravel, the wind whipping by the windows—it all became deafening. “I remember it. Clearly. Hugging her, standing there on the plane, then brushing past her and walking out the door. I watched the door close, and I waved at them. Watched it take off. Watched until I couldn’t see it anymore.