Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(33)

“Turns out you can go on breathing just fine without it.”

“I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry that... That it’s like this for you.” And she did a very un-Cal thing.

She reached out and put her hand on his.

And all those little broken fragments of feeling that had been weighing down on him, that had created the crisis that he just experienced in the living room, suddenly solidified into one. Focused. On her.

His wife.

Callie was his wife.

And for a moment all he could do was stare. Stand there and look at her, really look at her. And see not just the determined cowgirl that he’d known all these years, but the woman that she was, as well. Her brows creased, the corners of her lips turning down, confusion etched across her features. She looked down at their hands, where their skin met, and then back up at him. And then she pulled away. Sharp. Fast.

“I’ll let you have your time.”

“Great,” he said, his voice rough. But Callie turned and disappeared back into the house, and he was left alone on the porch, which was what he really wanted, after all. Wasn’t it?

The door opened again, and this time it was his brother.

“Hey. I haven’t got a chance to talk to you much since I’ve been back.”

“Yeah,” Jake said.

He and his brother got along just fine, but they weren’t exactly known for their heart-to-hearts. Because there were things that he just didn’t want to discuss with Colt, things he never had wanted to discuss with Colt. And maybe that had driven kind of a wedge between them back in the day.

But he was supposed to be the older brother, and then Ryder had been the one to step up. To step in.

Jake felt like he’d kind of dissolved there for a while.

Sunken into his own pain, and he’d felt a little bit guilty about it. Until guilt had become so typical a thing he barely registered it. Because he should’ve been there for Colt more than his cousins had been. But that was the thing. They’d always been separate in their way. And he couldn’t help but feel separate from each other, which he knew no one else really saw or understood. But he felt it. All the same.

Because you don’t really know how to be close to anyone. And the person you’re closest to is a woman about seven years younger than you that you can’t let yourself have.

No. Because every relationship he had was dependent on clear, defined boundaries. He got along great with his brother as long as they were drinking and bantering. As long as they were talking about the rodeo. And their relationship had skimmed along just fine that way. Everything was great with his family as long as they were eating and laughing and talking. And nothing ever had to get serious.

There were lines. There were lines and he’d begun redrawing them these past few weeks with Callie, and he didn’t like it, not at all. It was throwing off the balance of everything. Absolutely everything.

“Yeah, how’s the rodeo?”

“Are we ever going to talk about why you left?”

“I told you. I’m old.”

Colt snorted. “Like eighteen months older than me, Jake, it’s not convincing.”

“It was just time for something different.”

How could he tell him that he’d realized it was the minute Callie had hit the ground. That he’d understood that he’d gotten himself into an attachment that he didn’t want, and that that attachment had followed him home, and now he was testing the lines of it here, there and everywhere.

“Be straight with me,” Colt said.

“Why?” Jake pressed. “We don’t do straight, Colt. We do shots, and then we talk about bull riding. We do shots and we check out hot girls in the bar. We don’t do... This other shit.”

His brother leaned back against the wall. “Don’t you ever want things to change?”

“No. I don’t.”

He looked wholly skeptical. “So what are you doing with Callie, then?”

“Nothing. I’m helping her out.”

“It’s plain as day that you are...” He paused and redirected. “That girl has you by the balls, Jake, and I’ve known it for years. You’re closer to her than you are to me.”

Why the hell was his brother choosing this moment for a heart-to-heart?

“She’s like a sister,” he said.

This time Colt laughed. Out loud. “She’s not. You love her.”

The word hit him like a punch. “Yeah, not like that.”

“What does like that mean when it comes to a woman? It just is, right?”

“Like you’d know?” Jake asked.

“Nah. But I don’t have any nonfamily women that I love, either.”

“I have never touched her.” His skin still burned where she put her hand against his. “Not like that. I never will. I could. I mean, don’t get me wrong. She’s... She’s beautiful. But... She’s not into it. Hence a good thing. Because what the hell can either of us offer a partner? We can barely have a conversation with each other.”

“Yeah, because a conversation with each other is always going to lead back to a bunch of roads neither of us want to go down. That’s the problem. We’ve never dealt with them dying. Or with how it was different for us. They lost...well, hell, the rest of them lost their perfect family, didn’t they? What about us? What about what we lost?”