Rock All Night(77)

Ryan was quiet for a moment.

“Maybe you ought to ask him,” he suggested.

“I did, remember?”

Ryan sighed. “I didn’t tell you this, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Seriously, this is off the record.”

“Of course.”

“I’m not sure Killian has a ‘thing.’”

I was quiet for a few seconds.

Then I whispered, “He doesn’t have a penis?”

Ryan burst out laughing. “NO, no, that’s not what I meant! I mean… I’m not sure he’s interested in anybody. Not like that.”

“So he’s asexual?”

“Maybe. I’m not really sure.”

“But you haven’t seen anything, either?”

“You mean, have I ever seen him make out with somebody, or take them to bed?”

“Yeah.”

“No, I haven’t. He mostly just keeps to himself.”

“Huh…”

“But you can’t print that without his consent,” Ryan cautioned.

“I won’t,” I promised. “Is there anything else you can tell me about him?”

“Like what?”

“Wellll… he’s kind of… odd.”

“You noticed that, did you?” Ryan teased me.

“Ha ha,” I said, not laughing. “What’s with the always playing the guitar thing? I mean, it’s non-stop. And even for a rock star, his pot smoking seems a little bit excessive, don’t you think?”

Ryan was silent again for a few seconds.

“Again, off the record,” he said quietly.

“Of course.”

“I tend to think people self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.”

“Like… they’re easing their pain?”

“Or treating conditions that a psychiatrist would give them a prescription for. It’s just that they find something that works for them, and they use it to dull the pain, or help them cope, or whatever.”

“You think Killian is coping with something?”

“We’re all coping with something. Riley? There’s so much pain there I can’t even begin to describe it. That’s why she stays smashed half the time.”

“Really?” I asked, intrigued. It was the first hint I’d had that she wasn’t just a drunk horndog.

Actually, no, that wasn’t true. I suddenly recalled what she’d said when Ryan’s parents came to watch his concert:

It’d be cool if somebody came across the country to watch ME like that.

“You’ll have to ask her if you want to know more,” Ryan said. “I can’t betray confidences.”

“She confides in you?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “…yeah. Kind of.”

“You two are really close, aren’t you?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I guess we are. For being two totally, completely different people.”

“Yeah, you’re from Mars, she’s from Pluto.”

He laughed. “I think she’s actually from another galaxy.”

“What about Killian?”

“He doesn’t really open up that much to the rest of us. He’s a total genius at what he does, but he keeps everything else locked away. I learned more about him on the car ride over here than I ever knew about him before.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But you said you think he’s self-medicating.”

“Absolutely.”

“For what?”

“OCD, for one thing.”

“Obsessive compulsive disorder?”

“I don’t know that for sure… but have you ever seen anybody do something repeatedly, non-stop, the way he constantly plays the guitar?”

I considered. “No… no, I guess I haven’t.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s a musical genius, there’s no question about that. He’s constantly coming up with new material for songs, and we’ve incorporated a lot of stuff that he came up with when he was sitting around stoned… but seriously, he never stops.”

“What happens when he does stop?”

“He doesn’t.”

“But what if he can’t get to his guitar? What if you took it away from him?”

“Then watch out, ‘cause it’s not pretty. What’s even worse is if you take his weed away.”

“Why? What happens then?”

“It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”

“Really.”

“We played a short tour of Asia one time. And by short, I mean we had to cut it short. The problem was that in some of those countries, you can get thrown in prison for life for smuggling drugs. So we absolutely would not let Killian take weed with him. Miles packed Killian’s luggage himself, and inspected all his guitar cases, even stripped him down to his underwear and had the roadies search him. Getting caught with pot in the US or Canada is one thing… but Thailand? Singapore? Malaysia? Unh-unh.”


“I thought Thailand was pretty permissive.”

“Not about smuggling in drugs, they’re not.”