Present Perfect(90)

As the sun started to come up, the pain subsided. Noah still had his arms wrapped around me, rubbing my back. My head rested on his chest, my eyes were closed, but I wasn’t sleeping yet. I was completely drained. I had never experienced anything like that in my life.

I heard the door open and Emily come in. “Noah, I think she’s asleep now. Why don’t you go home and try to do the same. You look exhausted,” she whispered.

“I’m fine. I’m not leaving her.” Emily didn’t force the issue. The next sound I heard was the click of the door closing.





On Christmas day my parents, Mrs. Stewart, and Noah came over to Emily’s to exchange gifts and have dinner. I had wondered what had been going on with Noah and Brooke. He had been with me almost constantly since my surgery. He never brought it up and I never asked. I was afraid if I did, he would feel guilty about being away from Brooke and disappear.

Wine was poured and gifts were exchanged before dinner. I felt bad. The past few weeks had been such a whirlwind, I hadn’t been able to get anyone a gift. All the ladies retreated to the kitchen to get the food ready while Dad went to open another bottle of wine, leaving Noah and I alone.

“There’s one more gift.” He handed me a small black velvet jewelry box. “Merry Christmas, Tweet.”

“Noah, you and your mom already gave me a gift. The cashmere sweaters were from both of you,” I said.

“Yeah, my mom picked those out. Today was the first time I had seen them.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get you anything.”

“Would you shut up and open the box.” He smiled at me.

I lifted the top of the hinged lid. Inside was the most beautiful pair of yellow diamond stud earrings. My mouth literally dropped open. I was speechless. I looked up at him, stunned.

“I take it you like them?” he asked, smirking.

“I don’t know what to say. This is too much.”

“Do you like them?”

“I love them.” I smiled at him.

“Seeing that smile, made them totally worth it.”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to hold the tears back. I didn’t think it was possible to love him more than I already did, but I was wrong. His arms are the only place where I find peace and comfort. I feel safe when they’re around me, like nothing can get to me.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. I wanted him to know he is my first and only love. I wanted to say all of that, but I didn’t. I wish I hadn’t wasted all this time trying not to love him, but I did, and now it’s too late. I won’t saddle him with me the way I am. He needs to live his life and not spend it being a nurse to me. I kept my mouth shut and look down at the beautiful gift he gave me.

“Dinner’s ready,” we heard my mom say from the kitchen.

“Listen, I have to get going,” Noah said.

“You’re not staying to eat?”

“I’m going to go eat with Brooke’s family.” He looked away from me, as if he were embarrassed. I guess I just got my answer about what was going on with them. They’re still together.

A wave of self-pity and disappointment flowed through me. I had spent the past few weeks being with Noah almost constantly, especially since my surgery, and it still wasn’t enough time with him. I was used to him being by my side and I didn’t want him to go. I would have to face the phantom pain by myself tonight. I already felt alone and he was sitting right in front of me.

I looked up with tears streaming down my face. “Why are you crying?” he asked.

I shook my head and lied. “I’m just tired and the holidays make me sentimental.” I forced a smile.

Cupping my face, he ran his thumbs over my cheeks, wiping away my tears. “You want me to push you to the table?”

“No. I’ll do it in a minute.”

Standing he said, “You call me if you need me.” I just nodded. “Merry Christmas, Tweet.”

“Merry Christmas, Noah.”

He said his goodbyes to the others and walked out the door.

“You need some help, princess?” my dad asked as he entered the room.

I shook my head. “I’ll be right there, Daddy.”

I rolled into my bedroom as quickly as possible and closed the door. Grabbing a pillow off my bed, I hugged it to my chest, and cried into it. There was a gnawing ache in the pit of my stomach. I felt all alone. I was glad Noah was spending Christmas with his girlfriend. That’s how it should be. He was going back to his normal life. Soon everyone would be going back to their normal lives except me. I’ll be adjusting to my new normal.





Quality versus quantity? Most people would pick quality. I’d rather have one really nice car than five crappy cars’. Although, M&Ms are tasty, a piece of Godiva chocolate is more delicious and decadent.

When you’re dealing with a potentially fatal illness, what’s more important then? Should you live out your life, doing what you want, feeling good until you’re close to the end or should you take advantage of every medical advancement available?

Cancerous limbs can be sawed off, cancerous skin can be scooped out, organs removed, and toxic chemicals can be pumped into your body, all in hopes of giving you quantity. Is it all worth it? Is the fear of death greater than the fear of living with and fighting cancer?