Present Perfect(66)

“That’s not true. You are perfect, but I’m not. You deserve perfect.”

“And you think Brooke is perfect for me?”

“I don’t know. I just know that I’m not.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’m tired of hearing you say that. All these years I hated what you thought about yourself. I know you think Emily’s perfect. And I know you are constantly being compared to her. I put up with you pushing me away because I knew that. I was convinced you actually believed you weren’t good enough for me. I figured if I kept telling you how incredible you were and how much I loved you that one day you’d believe it and stop all this bullshit. You’re not a loser, Tweet. You’re a coward, because you just threw away the chance to be with someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life loving you.”

“Please don’t hate me. Once you calm down and have a chance to think clearly you’ll see this is for the best, right now.” My voice kept quivering, I barely got the words out.

He stood there for a moment, silent, with his hands on his hips, looking down at the ground. His voice was low and strained when he said, “Get the f*ck away from me.”

“Noah…”

He looked up at me. I gasped. The look on his face was of a broken and devastated person and I was the cause of it.

Looking me directly in the eye he slowly said, “Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me. Now.”

As I walked away from him I felt the life drain from my body. I hadn’t gotten very far when I heard repeated pounding and grunting. I turned and the last small piece of my heart died. Noah kicked and punched at our table before flipping it over, screaming, “MOTHER FUCKING…SELFISH…GODDAMN HER!”

I began to shake uncontrollably, bracing myself on a nearby tree. I raised a trembling hand to cover my mouth. I felt like I was about to be sick. I didn’t turn away from him, though. I deserved every bit of pain and hurt that came my way for what I had just done to the only boy who will ever have my heart. What I worried about the most happening between us had just come true…and it didn’t happen at all in the way my fears had imagined it. This was even worse.





We set limits for ourselves all the time. This imaginary line that you’re positive you won’t ever cross. An action that you are positive you would never do, no matter what. But what we don’t consider when we draw our line is a change in our situation.

An action that you were sure last week you wouldn’t do suddenly becomes a viable option this week because the situation has driven you to it.

Then you move your limit line and talk yourself into believing that this new line will never be crossed.

A man will take a stand and proclaim, “I would never lie to my wife.” But what if he maxes out their credit card because of his internet porn addiction?

The line gets moved.

I’m sure if you ask any mother or father they would not hesitate in harming or even killing someone who was about to do the same to their child.

The line gets moved.

A girl who is so consumed by the pain and empty ache of loneliness will be driven to do anything, no matter how degrading she thinks it is, because she wants to numb the chronic pain.

The line gets moved.

The line keeps moving and moving until one day you realize you’re limitless.

If you are being completely honest with yourself, there is absolutely nothing you wouldn’t do if the situation required you to cross another line.





My body, mind, and soul stopped functioning when I saw Noah flip our table over and kick the legs until they broke. The sight of him as he dropped to his knees was hard enough to watch, but when he picked up one of the broken wooden legs, and threw it full throttle into the air, I couldn’t take watching any longer, and turned my head away. I hated myself. How could I have done that to him? Glancing toward him one last time, I saw his shoulders begin to shake from sobbing and I was completely shattered.

Breaking up our friendship was only supposed to be temporary, but this didn’t feel temporary. This didn’t feel like the break we had last year. This felt permanent. He was done with all my excuses, all my insecurities, and all the times I gave into my desires only to pull away, again and again. Tonight was the last straw for him. Not only had I achieved my goal, I surpassed it. I didn’t just break up our friendship, I completely destroyed it. I had to hold on to the belief that this was the right thing to do for him otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

I turned and started walking away from the park. I had no idea where I was going. My body felt numb and my mind was blank. I was unconscious of how long I had been walking or the direction I had been going in.

When I finally stopped and looked up, it took several minutes for my mind to clear and recognize where I was. I saw my hand move toward the doorbell and push it. When the door opened, the light from the inside ran across my face causing me to squint. He stood there, wide-eyed, and in shock. I wasn’t positive, but I thought I saw a slight smile on his lips when he realized it was me.

“Amanda? What are you doing here?”

I didn’t know how to answer him. I wasn’t exactly sure what drew me here. I certainly didn’t make a conscious choice to come here.

I hadn’t talked to Brad since the day he humiliated me. By the look on his face, I could tell I had been standing there a while without answering his question.