Present Perfect(29)

“Noah…,” was all I could choke out between sobs.

“You’ve always been my girl and always will be. No one will ever take me away from you, Tweet. You’re my heart and soul and that’s never going to change, no matter what you say.”

There was no other place on earth I wanted to be except in Noah’s arms, listening to his words. I was desperate to be with him. I was so in love with him that nothing else mattered. I barely survived three days without him. Maybe if I’m extremely careful and we take it super slow, we could be together. I could talk to Emily and find out what happened with her and Tyler, so it wouldn’t happen to me and Noah. In a split second, I decided I was going to tell him I loved him and had to be with him.

I took in a deep breath, “Noah, I …” Abruptly my words were interrupted by the sound of Beth calling his name. It broke the spell that was over us and we both took a step back.

“There you are,” Beth said as she rounded the corner. “Oh, hey Amanda. I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“It was a last minute thing.” Noah and I never took our eyes off one another.

Beth looked back and forth between the two of us. “What are you guys doing out here, anyway?”

“I wasn’t feeling well and needed some fresh air. Noah came out to check on me,” I answered.

“Are you okay now?”

“Not really. My parents will be here any minute, though.”

“Good.” Beth grabbed Noah’s arm and began to tug him away. “Come on.”

Noah had his feet planted, never budging. His eyes were still glued to me. “Did you have something you wanted to tell me, Tweet?”

I looked into those beautiful bright eyes that held love, pain, and longing. I knew they matched mine perfectly. I’m a firm believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason.

This belief helped me answer his question. “No. I was done.” I whispered. Disappointment and frustration crossed his face.

Beth tugged on his arm a little more forcefully. “We need to get back in there. We haven’t even danced together yet.” Surprise flashed in my eyes.

Before he let her pull him away, he gave me a slight smile. “Goodnight, Tweet,” he called back over his shoulder as he was being led away.

“Goodnight, Noah,” my voice was so soft it was almost a whisper. “You’re my heart and soul, too.”





Daily affirmations are… What’s the word? Oh yeah, BULLSHIT.

There are thousands and thousands of books trying to convince you how wonderful you are. The authors don’t know you. How could they possibly affirm that you’re good enough, just the way you are? There are a lot of pure unadulterated losers in the world. (Holla to my peeps!).

These books are filled with, a one size fits all mentality. Besides, I’m suspicious of people who say they love everyone for who they are. It smacks of cultism.

(Smacks is a funny word. Smacks… smacks… smacks…Sounds like a kid eating. Oh great…Now I’m hungry.)

Then the kumbaya authors say you can make up an affirmation that fits your personality and say this to yourself throughout the day. Even if I came up with my own positive affirmation, why would I listen to myself? What do I know? I’m a freaking loser. If I could talk myself into feeling better about myself, I wouldn’t have purchased your stupid books.

(Wonder if there’re still cheese doodles in the pantry.)





Since kindergarten, I have worked my ass off to achieve my goals. I wasn’t a natural at anything. As much time and effort as I put into a project, I always fell short. If I aimed for an A+ in a class, I would get an A-. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Why do I have this compulsion for perfection? I know in my mind, I won’t achieve it, but need kicks in and overpowers any logical thoughts. I can always find a flaw in everything I do, and when that happens, the cycle begins.

I wallow in my feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity for several days. When I can’t stand myself any longer, I give myself a pep talk. I tell myself that this is a vicious cycle that I need to stop. The only thing it accomplishes is making me feel worse. That pep talk usually lasts me for about an hour before the cycle begins again. I don’t know how to stop something that is so engrained in who I am.

When my parents praised Emily for a job well done, I could hear the pride and excitement in their voices. When I received any praise from them, I thought I heard disappointment in their voices. I knew they weren’t disappointed in me, but somehow I detected a certain tone or inflection in their voice that made me feel as if I had let them down.

When you can trace your feelings of inadequacy back to a specific event that you can pinpoint, you’re able to see it from a different perspective as you get older, and possibly change your viewpoint. When these feelings seep into the makeup of your personality little by little, year after year, you don’t realize when they’ve taken over until they prevent you from getting something or someone you want more than anything in the world, and then it’s too late.

I believe my parents took pride in me to a certain degree. It just didn’t feel the same to me as their pride in Emily. They saw all the hard work I put into school. When I fell short of perfect, which I always did, I could see pity in their eyes. They felt sorry for me.