Not Today, But Someday(37)

“I wish I could trust you,” I say back to him, sitting on my pillow with my back against the wall, as far away as I can get from him.

“Everything I tell you tonight, Emi, is going to be the truth. You should be able to trust me. I don’t think you’ll like everything I have to say, but I want to be honest with you. You’re sixteen. You’re our baby, but you don’t need us to censor what this is for you. I don’t think I handled it right the first time around.”

I stare at him coldly, waiting.

“I don’t want you to think that I’ve been living some great lie for the last twenty-four years. I loved your mother. I still love her–”

“Love is complicated, blah blah blah,” I interrupt him. “You already told me that. It’s a cop-out.”

“It’s just not a black and white situation, honey. I have the utmost respect for your mom–”

“That’s why you cheated on her.”

“Emily, I need you to let me talk. I never meant to ruin your life,” he says, becoming so overwhelmed with tears that he can barely get the words out. I’ve never seen him cry. “I have to think there’s some way for me to fix it.”

I start to feel my own throat tighten up at the sight of him crying, but I don’t want to let him know. I clench my teeth and dig my fingernails into the back of my hand until it hurts. “You can fix it by getting back with mom,” I say.

He shakes his head. “I am in love with another woman, Emi. I love her. I have a connection with her–”

“Gross, Dad. Just save it–”

“An emotional connection, honey, that I’ve never felt with anyone else. Ever. I never knew it was something I could even have. But now that I’ve experienced it, I don’t want to be without it.”

“You didn’t even try to have it with Mom, though.”

“It’s not something you ‘try to have,’ honey. It’s either there, or it’s not. And with your mother, it’s not there.”

“She thinks it is,” I argue with him.

“I don’t think she knows this feeling,” he says plainly. “I know we didn’t have it, though, Emi.”

“You could go to counseling, Dad,” I tell him. “They could help fix this.”

“You’re not listening to me, Emi. Me getting back with your mother is not going to ‘fix’ anything. It will make me unhappy. It will make your mother unhappy. You kids will be in the middle... it’s not a good example I want to set for you.”

“But divorcing is?”

“Not divorcing, Emi.”

“Cheating?”

“Certainly not cheating. I should have done everything differently, Emi. I should have told your mother first, as soon as I developed feelings for Elai–”

“I don’t want to hear her name.”

He clears his throat. “Elaine,” he says anyway. “I’m not censoring anything, honey. I already told you that. I regret not doing that. I hate that you were the one to discover us. That’s why I think it’s the hardest on you. I wish that never had happened.”

“What if it hadn’t, Dad? Would you still be with Mom? Would I still be living in the house, and not this tiny apartment?”

“You can come back and live with me anytime.”

“And Elaine?”

“Yes.”

“Never,” I tell him.

“And to answer your question,” he continues, seeming to ignore my petulance, “I was planning to tell your mother after the holidays. I know how much she loves Christmas, and I didn’t want to ruin that time of year for her. So if you hadn’t found out about us, she would know by now. I never wanted to hurt her. I care about her.”

“If you cared so much, you wouldn’t have done all of this behind her back.”

“Honey, there’s not protocol for falling in love with someone. There’s no game plan to tell you when it’s appropriate to do certain things, say other things. I’ve never done this before. I don’t expect to ever do it again,” he says.

“But who can say? Maybe you’ll have an even greater emotional connection with someone else later!”

“I wish I could explain to you how this feels. But I don’t think words do it justice. And I don’t think you could truly understand until you feel it yourself some day. And I hope you’re lucky enough to. Just like I hope your mom is lucky enough to someday.”

“Stop acting like you care.”

“I do care,” he says quickly. “We had some wonderful years together, most of them revolving around you and Jen and Chris. You’re the best things that happened to either of us. And we were obviously supposed to be together to bring you three into this world. Watching you grow up has been the greatest joy of my life. I regret nothing when it comes to your mom. I just wish I felt this way about her. And I feel like you kids are old enough now to be able to accept this.”

“I’ll never accept this, Dad. You were my Daddy. You were everything to me. All I ever wanted to do was to make you proud of me.”

“You’ll always be Daddy’s little girl–”

“No! I won’t! For one, that little girl is gone. Her world crumbled right in front of her in the middle of a freaking chain restaurant on Main Street. You showed me what ugliness is. You stole my rose-colored glasses, Dad. And I want them back. I want that world back,” I start to cry. “I want to be able to come home from a bad day and get one of your bear hugs that makes me feel so safe and loved that I know I can face anything. But I can’t have that anymore. Because the thing I can’t face now is you! No one can make that better. I can’t feel better anymore. I have no one to fill that role.”