Not Today, But Someday(32)

That afternoon, when Chris takes Jen to catch her train back into the city, Mom joins me in the living room as I’m watching MTV.

“Can we talk, sweetie?” I sigh, but I knew it was just a matter of time. I turn off the TV and set the remote down, pulling my knees into my chest. Mom taps my shoes lightly. I kick them off, not wanting to get her new furniture dirty.

“I didn’t have sex with him, Mom. I don’t want to. Don’t worry.”

“Well, good.”

“That’s it?” I ask her, breaking her silence.

“No.” She smiles sympathetically and settles into the couch. “While I’m elated you didn’t have sex with that boy–”

“Nate,” I correct her.

“Nate,” she amends, “there will be a boy someday that you do want to have sex with.”

“I don’t think there will be, Mom.” I shrug my shoulders, staring at the dark television set.

“Or a girl?” she asks.

I roll my eyes at her, staring at her incredulously. “If I were to choose one or the other to love, Mom, I’d choose guys, but since I don’t really believe in love anymore, I don’t even see the point in talking about this.”

“That’s my sweet Emi,” she says. “While it makes me happy that you see such a strong correlation between sex and love, that’s not always how it works.”

“Obviously.”

“Right,” she says with somewhat of a frown. “I hope, for you, that you will love him before you sleep with him. I do. But if you really don’t believe in love anymore, you’ll have two options: chastity or being with someone that you don’t love. I’m not sure, but Sister Emi doesn’t have much of a ring to it.”

“Sister Emily, then.”

“So becoming a nun is something you’re considering?”

“You don’t have to be a nun to stay a virgin. Maybe I’ll just die an old maid.”

“Even old maids have sex, you know?”

“Are you trying to talk me into it? I thought it was the other way around! I thought you’d be happy that I have no desire to be with anyone like that.”

“I am, sweetie, but I also know that you’re very angry... and I don’t like that. Six months ago, you’d come home with little pink and red hearts all over your book covers. You and your friends would whisper about boys in your class. You went to dances. You liked love songs... There were posters of actors and singers on your walls.”

“I’m growing up,” I explain with a shrug. “Plus, nothing will fit on the walls here. Nothing will fit in the apartment, period.”

“I can’t keep apologizing for where we ended up, Emi. This isn’t my fault. Your dad chose someone else. I have to move on.”

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Tell me why you’re so mad.”

“You know why I’m mad!” I rant. “He cheated on you, Mom! And I caught him! And he didn’t even try to work things out! What kind of example is that for us, huh? How can I ever trust any man, when the one you devoted your life to went and did this to you. You waited until you were married to have sex. You told me yourself, you wanted to give him that ‘gift,’” I say the word mockingly, because it still sounds cheesy. “And what’d he do with it? He used you for twenty-four years to raise his children while he went behind your back and lied and cheated and–”

“Not all men are like that,” she says.

“I don’t know that. You don’t know that. Maybe Jen has the experience to confirm or deny it, but if I was gonna guess, Mom, I think she’d probably think they’re all scum.”

“Your sister needs to have higher standards. At this point, she might agree with you. But again, there are good men out there, Emi. And one day you might find one that you deem worthy to give your gift–”

“Please don’t say that. It sounds so stupid,” I tell her. “Just say virginity, Mom. I can handle it.”

“Okay, your virginity,” she says, then swallows. “I just want you to be able to follow your heart, Emi. Because even after all of this, the years I spent loving your father, the years that he loved me, were the best years of my life. This hurts,” she tells me, putting her hand over her heart, “but it will pass. Every day seems a little better. And the moments when it feels worse are the moments that I remember what it felt like to love him, unconditionally.”

“You still do,” I remind her. “I don’t know how, but you do.”

“I wish I could turn it off, Emi. I do.” I remember Nate saying something similar last night. “But I have love to give, and it seems a waste right now. It would be great to erase what happened and get back to our lives together, but you and I both know that’s not going to happen. I just hope that, someday, I’ll be able to share what I have with someone who appreciates me.”

“But how could you ever trust someone again, Mom?”

“You have to have a little faith, Emi. And once you’ve been in love once, you’ll want it again, and again. I promise you that. All other feelings pale in comparison to love. I just think that, next time around, I won’t take anything for granted.”