Not Today, But Someday(41)

“What did she say, exactly?”

“Did you sleep with her last night?” she asks me bluntly.

“No!” I tell her quickly, the word practically falling off my tongue. I shake my head in adamant denial. “Wait, why?”

“Just something she said,” Emi states softly. “It implied... that... I guess. Maybe she was talking about something else, I don’t know.”

“No, why does it matter?” I clarify.

She quickly shifts her attention to the landscape outside the passenger window so I can’t see her face. I don’t like it when she hides from me this way. “I mean... I guess it really doesn’t,” she says. “I just thought it didn’t sound like you. Or at least who I think you are. But I don’t really know you.”

“You know more about me than anyone else I know.” And the truth is, I’m happy she doesn’t think it would be in my character to do that. That’s not how I want her to know me. “Emi, there’s something between us. Don’t you think?” That finally gets her to look at me.

“Yeah. I don’t normally open up to strangers like this.”

“I don’t either. Like, I never have. I’ve never told people I considered friends most of the things I’ve told you.”

“I think sometimes, there are just some people you’re meant to meet,” she says. “I need to know you right now.”

“I know what you mean.”

“But, Nate, I’ve never really had a boyfriend. And I’m not looking for one right now.”

“No, I know,” I say quickly. “I could use a friend.”

“I could, too,” she says with a slight blush.

“And I think I could use some distance between relationships,” I tell her. “I don’t like how it went with Misty. I certainly don’t want that again. There’s got to be something better.”

“I’m sure there is,” she says positively. “But take your time. You don’t have to be like my sister, going from one person to another.”

I don’t have to, but I want to. I remember the ache and need I felt last night, the feelings that drove me to Lauren’s. I also remember how I felt this morning, regretting the time I’d spent with her. I was so disgusted I couldn’t get out of bed. I hated myself. And there was absolutely no solace to be had in painting. She destroyed my motivation. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the poor decision I’d made.

And the ache and need are still here. What we did wasn’t even enough. It wasn’t enough because she isn’t who I’m aching for. She isn’t who I need.

“Hey, you alright?” she asks. “You have this horrible scowl on your face.”

“I’m fine,” I answer, wondering if I truly am. Wondering if all guys go through this, or if there’s something genuinely wrong with me. I wish my father was around for this. I wish there was someone I could talk to. “The sun’s just in my eyes.”

“Oh, wait.” She pulls her purse up off the floor board, digging through her things until she produces a pair of aviator sunglasses. “Look at me.”

“I’m driving,” I laugh.

“Look at me. Just a second.” I glance over and she quickly arranges them over my eyes. “Better?” I check myself in the rearview mirror first. “You look good, don’t worry,” she says flippantly with a smile on her face.

Her compliment produces a wide grin of my own. “The best,” I answer her. This may be the most complicated relationship I’ve ever had. I imagine if this is how it’ll always be. Me wanting her. Emi wanting a friend, but flirtatious and cute and doing things that make me think she wants more. I can see myself having a hard time hiding my own feelings. Maybe I should tell her first. Maybe it would be easier if she had all the information.

Or maybe it would make things worse, and scare her off. Telling her isn’t an option. Especially if I’m not willing to tell her the truth about everything. And I’m not. I’d rather live up to the person she thinks I am. I’d rather be that guy anyway.

When we finally get to the costume shop, she grabs a basket and asks me to stay away.

“What? I thought we were doing this together! We’re both knights!”

“If you need my help, I’ll help, but I have an idea, and I don’t want you to talk me out of it. It’s a little non-traditional,” she explains. “So don’t follow me.”

I stare at her, and she must feel my eyes on her as she walks away, because she turns back around. “I think everything you need is on aisle two. Or that guy up front can help you,” she says with an almost pleading tone. “Or I’ll be over there in ten minutes. Don’t look so sad! You’re a big boy. At least that’s what I heard,” she tacks on, shrugging her shoulders and moving away from me at an even quicker pace. What the hell did Misty and Lauren say? Does she know I’m lying anyway? Is this a test?

I think about returning to my car and calling Lauren while Emi shops, but I have no desire to talk to her. The way we left things, I’m afraid she’ll think I want more from her. I may have told her I love her. I don’t. She didn’t need to hear it, but the words came out anyway. It pretty much killed the mood for me.