Not If I See You First(62)
“Um…”
“That’s a yes, isn’t it? Her coming out right then was too big a coincidence.”
“Yeah.” He’s embarrassed… no, more like worried.
“You told her not to tell me?”
“She didn’t know. I threw the newspaper from their driveway at their door. That didn’t work so I threw it at their window. Then I heard you come out of your house. I was about to run over and pound on the van so you’d hear, or call your name; I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Then the door opened and I hid around by their trash cans. Sorry.”
“God, don’t be sorry. Thanks for saving me a trip to the hospital.”
“I wasn’t spying on you, I promise. I—”
“It’s okay, I know what you were doing. Jason told me.”
“Jason…?”
“Do you like running now?”
“Not at first but I do now. It’s not really a passion like with you, but being on the track team will look good on college applications too.”
“Will you be my running guide so I can join the team?”
“Um…”
“You know what I mean, right?”
“Yeah, I heard Coach Underhill talking about it. I’m not a sprinter. I know someone who is—I could ask. I’m not fast enough for you.”
“No one is. That just means I’ll get slower times but so what? I can run alone at Gunther Field but track events are all over the place—I won’t be able to do it unless I’m with someone I’m comfortable with. That’s a very short list and you’re the only runner on it.”
Silence.
“Besides,” I say, getting wobbly over him not answering right away. “If you practice with me, you’ll get faster. Maybe you’ll be a good sprinter too when the meets start.”
“I don’t know…”
“I… this isn’t about being friends or anything, it’s just about being safe.”
More silence. I was afraid this might happen. I really hoped it wouldn’t…
“You don’t have to tell me now. Just think about it. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Thanks. Now…” I take a deep breath. “When we talked at your place, I got so hung up on… well… my dad… I didn’t really say the most important thing.”
“Parker, I don’t think—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupt him before he can derail me completely. “I want to tell you—”
“It’s just that I—”
“Just let me say it! You’ve tried to talk me out of it, but… I forgive you anyway. You did something dumb, but it’s okay. I understand it better now, and I forgive you. Okay?”
Silence.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” he says. “But I don’t know what you mean by understanding it better.”
“I thought you knew they were there and tricked me. Yeah, you told them about our private room, but just the where and the when. The us part, that wasn’t a secret. I’d have kissed you in the middle of the cafeteria if you’d asked.”
“That would have been a crappy thing to ask.”
“Now, yeah, but not for a thirteen-year-old. And I was just a kid, too. If this happened now, when all those *s started laughing, I’d ask you if you set me up and when you said no I’d say to them all, ‘Take a good look, guys! This memory and a bottle of lotion is all you’ll have tonight!’ Then I’d go back to kissing you until they got bored and went away. Imagine what things would be like now if I’d done that back then?”
Scott blows air out his nose. I hope it’s the laughing kind but I can’t tell.
“It could have been like that,” I say. “If I wasn’t thirteen and afraid of everything.”
“You’re not afraid of anything.”
“You know me better than that. Or you used to.”
“What then? What are you afraid of?”
“Well, certain dates on the calendar. Anniversaries.”
“That’s not being afraid,” he says in a soft voice, not quite his boyfriend voice.
“I’m afraid of what people are thinking, or might be thinking.”
“That’s just not trusting people. If I were you I’d have a hard time with that too.”
“I’m getting better but I still worry all the time that my whole life is just something I’m imagining… that if I could actually see it, I’d see that everyone’s either humoring me or worse, playing this big elaborate joke on me. With you it was worse than ever. I felt like I was living in a dream like you said. I was so worried I’d wake up and find out it wasn’t real… so the first hint I got that it wasn’t I grabbed on and wouldn’t let go and I’m so sorry, Scott! It was just this one thing and kind of a misunderstanding and I… I just freaked out!”
“You had every right to.”
“But I didn’t have to! I lord it over everyone that people don’t think about how others see things and I did it to you! I didn’t listen, I didn’t even think about it… and if Sarah hadn’t talked to me…”