Not If I See You First(59)

“Hey. Granola bar lunch?”

“Yeah. You feeling better today? Did something happen to set you off like that?”

“I don’t usually break down and fall apart for no reason. It was my dad’s birthday yesterday.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m better now. If you saw me upset, why didn’t you come over?”

He doesn’t answer right away. I wait him out.

“I don’t know. It looked like your friends had you covered…”

“You’re not my friend?”

“I am, but… we don’t know each other very well yet… They were your best friends… I didn’t want to get in the way.”

“I met Molly a week before I met you and she stayed in my room with me all afternoon.”

“Oh. Well… girls usually want to be with other girls when they’re really upset. Should I have come over?”

“There are no shoulds. But if you’re asking if I’m grateful that you didn’t come or call or text when you saw me sobbing in the yard and get dragged behind the custodian’s shed and then disappear from school… No, I’m not feeling all that grateful.”

“I just thought… Yeah, you’re right. Let me make it up to you. Saturday night. You pick the restaurant. Okay?”

I think for a moment, for the nice way to be honest.

“I don’t think so…”

“Not Saturday? Or not ever?”

“Not ever is a long time. But that’s probably closer. It’s not all your fault—”

“Oh, here it comes.”

“What?”

“The it’s-me-not-you speech.”

“It’s us, Jason, and it’s not a speech. I like you but when we talk it feels more like stumbling than dancing. And the more honest I am the worse it gets. Before you I’ve kissed one guy and that was years ago and not for very long, so I was a little starved and moved too fast and now I got my head straight and want to pull back. So yeah, that’s mostly me not you but yesterday was all you and I’m not a cliché, I’m a person, a person who’s not happy you thought the best thing to do when I fell apart was to hang back and wait for me to get normal again—”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry! Can’t you forgive me?”

“I do. But I want a guy whose first impulse is to be with me when I need help, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I have friends who I wouldn’t go running over to if I heard them break down crying because I know I would just get in the way of their closer friends, like you said. That’s okay—everybody can’t be closest friends with everybody else. I think we can be very good casual friends.”

“Now it’s the let’s-just-be-friends speech.”

I snort a bit, the nice kind, or at least I hope it sounds that way. Somehow I’m not really upset by any of this.

“You know why I like you? You’re nice, and charming, and from the moment we met you’ve treated me like a normal person who just needed a bit more information than other people. That’s extremely rare and exactly right, so you made a great impression. I think we could be great friends. For dating, though, I’m looking for something else.”

“This is about Scott.”

“Um… no. We’ve barely talked in years, and when I asked him if we could just be friends, he said no. If you say yes, you’ll be miles ahead of him.”

Silence.

“As far as boyfriend material goes,” I say, “yeah, he was a tough act to follow. Unfortunately for you. Even more unfortunate for me.”

More silence. I listen for breathing or shuffling to make sure Jason hasn’t walked away.

“It’s funny,” he says in a bitter voice. “When I talked to Scott about you, I think we liked you for opposite reasons.”

I want to ask, I really want to ask, but I’d rather he just tell me so I try waiting him out.

“He says the problems other people have, like being petty or liars or snobs or whatever, they could fix them if they wanted to, but they just don’t do the work or they blame everyone else. And even though your problems can’t be fixed at all, you’re the one who needs taking care of the least.”

“And you think… what, the opposite?”

“No, just… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You’re smiling so I can tell he’s right and I’m wrong.”

“But I really do want to be friends. All those good things I said about you, I mean it. I wish more people in the world were like you. I’d have more friends if there were. Can we?”

“I guess.”

“Hmmm… That’s fine for being in the outermost circle of friends. If you want to be better friends, what’s the more honest answer?”

Silence.

“Come on, it’s okay to tell me how you really feel. Just try it once. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“No,” he finally says. “I don’t think we can be friends. I’m starting to think you’re… demanding, exhausting, and… high-maintenance. There, happy now?”

I laugh. “Yeah, I am. Because it’s all true. I think we’re already better friends now than we were a minute ago. Don’t you?”