Not If I See You First(67)
His voice comes from down near the floor—he must have been sitting in the hall. He stands and says, “Here’s your… whatever it is. I didn’t want to just leave it.”
I put out my arms and I feel my bag brush against my right hand. I don’t take it.
“She wants a hug, dummy,” Molly says.
“Oh…” he says, but he doesn’t.
“Put… the bag… down…” she says.
I hear rustling and then he hugs me gently. He’s even taller than I guessed from where his voice comes from, and he’s football-player bulky.
“Okay,” Molly says. “If you ever hug someone breakable like Faith, that’s how you should do it, but I think Parker can take more than that.”
When I don’t contradict this he squeezes and lifts me off the ground. I let out a small shriek and he sets me down again.
I say, “Thanks, Kent.”
“Heh, nobody calls me Kent.” But it sounds like he likes it.
TWENTY-SEVEN
“You should at least eat your sandwich,” Molly says.
“Yeah.” But I don’t. I’d sooner go out and lift a school bus than take a bite of turkey and Swiss and chew and chew and swallow and then do it again twenty more times.
“You want a soda? A… C-6?”
I shake my head. If she didn’t see it, she’ll ask again. She doesn’t.
Sarah’s still in the lunch line. I don’t remember much about the past couple hours. I know I’m letting myself stay in this stupor, letting time pass, as if it will solve my problems, erase my stupidity. It’s strange being aware of it, and how ridiculous it is, but still to keep doing it.
Sarah sits down with her tray.
“Shit,” she says. “Be right back.”
She starts to get up but Molly says, “Wait, let him come.”
“No way! You—”
“It’s okay,” Molly says.
I guess it’s too late to talk about it more because they stop, and then Scott says, “Parker, I heard what happened. Can we talk a minute?”
“She doesn’t want to hear it,” Sarah says. She’s not using her Mama Bear voice; she’s using a caught-in-the-middle-and-have-to-choose-sides voice and this breaks my heart even more. I haven’t had the chance to tell her it wasn’t his fault.
I stand. “I wasn’t going to eat anyway.”
“We’ll watch your stuff,” Molly says.
I hold out my hand and Scott’s forearm pushes up against it.
Scott leads me outside and we walk for a minute, not in a straight line so I can’t tell where we’re going other than it’s out on the grass.
“I’m really sorry. Trish shouldn’t have said those things. You’ve got to believe me, I didn’t put her up to it.”
“I should have known better—I’m sorry I was a bitch in class.”
“No, I get it. I’m really pissed at her and she knows it.”
“But is it true? You want me to leave you alone?”
“I didn’t say anything like that. I only talked to her about the running. I didn’t even tell her we’d ever been together.”
“Maybe she got it from Jason. I don’t care. I just want to know if it’s true.”
“Of course not. I don’t want you to stay away. We’re friends.”
“Just friends.” My heart pounds because I didn’t say it on purpose. It just popped out and I really wish it hadn’t. It’s honest, yes, but this isn’t the moment I’d have chosen to go there again.
He laughs but it’s forced. “Well, we’ve only just met, sort of.”
I push my hands flat on my jeans. I’m afraid of what else might pop out if I open my mouth again.
He says, “It’s just complicated, you know?”
I try to smile but it feels like a grimace. I don’t know whether to back up or push forward.
“You can’t fool me, Francis. I know what that really means.”
“And what’s that?” he asks in his smiling voice, his sad smiling voice.
“It means something’s embarrassing or hard to confess, not that it’s actually complicated.”
“Ah, you’re too smart for me.”
I stop walking and turn to face him. “You don’t get off that easy. Whatever it is, just tell me.”
“What?”
“This doesn’t have to be a long conversation. You used to love me, then I broke up with you, and sometime after that you stopped loving me… yeah? Or no?”
“Jesus, Parker… do you love me?”
“Yes.”
I guess I’m pushing forward.
“Okay… did you love me a month ago?”
I frown.
“Be honest.”
“Not exactly, but—”
“It just switched on again?” He snaps his fingers. “Like that?”
“No, but…” I don’t know how to explain it.
“See?” he says. “It’s complicated.”
I guess he’s right. “You’re too smart for me.”
Silence.