Mine Would Be You (88)

“Well, just know we’ll welcome you back anytime,” Mrs. Ross says as she enters the room, and she kisses everyone, including me, on the cheek before she takes her seat. Jackson walks in with the rest of the food—the smell of cinnamon and syrup filling the dining room—and sets the plate down on the table before sitting next to me.

“Yeah, seriously, please come back. Jackson’s a pain on his own. You’re great,” Mateo chimes in over a large forkful of French toast, and Jackson tosses a piece of bacon at him in response.

Seeing them act like this makes the air easier to breathe.

I can’t help the small laugh that spills out of me, and Jackson smiles at me, and I look around at the family around me and couldn’t be more thankful for them. This extra family, who just lost one but have welcomed another without a second glance, without a second thought, with open arms.

They’ve gained another forever or as long as my time allows me. I’ll be by their side.

• • •

The car ride to the airport was quick, quicker than I really wanted. I don’t want to leave; I want to be wherever Jackson is. The entire car ride he held my hand, always touching me, and I loved it, loved every second of it.

“So, you’ll tell me when you know for sure when you’re coming home?” I ask, looking up at Jackson as he pulls my bag out of the car. He nods, a small sigh escaping his lips. His eyes roam over me, and I furrow my brows. “What’s that look for?”

“I want to come home, to the city. I just also want to be here. I’m going to miss you.” He grabs me and pulls me into his chest. I wish I could take everything he’s feeling away.

“Jackson, there’s no rush. I only asked because I’ll miss you. I always miss you.”

He looks sad, much more so than he did all day. After breakfast, we went for a walk down the streets he grew up on, hand in hand. Then we came back and flipped through photographs, Jackson telling me about his adoption and showing me videos of his Labor Day parties and telling embarrassing stories about his siblings.

Then we sat out on the porch like he used to do with his dad, with me on his lap and his hand on my hip. I sat there and realized how lucky I was to have met him, to have met all of them.

“I just,” he runs a hand through his hair, “I don’t feel like myself. I just feel lost.”

The sound of a plane taking off rumbles loudly overhead as we lock eyes. I think he’s just scared, scared of life without his dad, which is normal. He just wasn’t ready for it. I don’t think anyone ever is.

My eyes prick with my own tears, but I hold them in. “You are the same person. Life is just a little different now. And it’s going to take time to get through it. To get used to it.”

He grips my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles slowly. “I just don’t know how to do both. To live life while I can, be the man you deserve, and deal with all of this shit. And the person I want to ask isn’t here anymore.” His voice cracks, and I can’t help the tear that falls. “So, I guess I’ll be home as soon as I can figure out how to do that. To be who you need and someone who knows how to deal with it.”

“No one knows how to deal with this. That’s why it sucks so much.”

I sigh, the words on the tip of my tongue because I didn’t want to say them when he was surrounded by all of this, but I want him to know how deeply I am in this with him. Internally, I think it’s hilarious how much I’ve changed. In the beginning I was terrified of being burned again. Of not being wanted as much as I want him. Of never experiencing the love I always wanted.

Of thinking love would only break and end and never heal. When in fact, loving Jackson is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

I reach up and cup his cheek, feeling his warm skin, tugging a curl at the nape of his neck, and watch those blue eyes watch me with so many words unsaid and so many things to work through. I’ll be there every step of the way whenever he’s ready.

“Jackson, I don’t need you to be who you think I need. I just need you, the you that you are now and have always been. I love you so much.” I smile softly as shock flickers over his face. “I love you, Jackson, and I’ll still love you today and tomorrow and whenever you come back.” I wipe away the stray tears on my cheeks.

His lips part, and I shake my head. “I don’t need you to say anything. I just needed you to know. You may not feel like it right now, but you are still the brightest person I’ve ever met. And I’m so happy to have you in my life. So you take as long as you need.”

Jackson’s own tears fall, just a few, and the sight pulls a wet laugh out of me. A small one, but it does. I lean on my tiptoes and press my lips to his, hoping he heard every word I said and listened to it. Because I meant it.

It’s a soft kiss, his hands eventually coming up to hold my cheeks, and my heart swells. He’s still there, the sunshine in the dark for me. “You come back when you’re ready, okay?”

Part of me hates how emotionally open I’m being, how vulnerable I feel. But if I didn’t open myself up, to pain or to love, I wouldn’t feel anything at all. What a waste that would be.

Jackson nods, wiping a tear on my own cheek. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

I roll my eyes despite myself. “Shut up, Jackson. I’m not sad, I’m just in love with you.”