Maybe Someday(114)

The weekend of Warren’s party was when I

realized it was too late. I spent the entire night of the party trying not to watch you. Trying not to

be obvious. Trying to keep my attention focused

619/692

on Maggie, where it should have been. However,

all the effort and denial in the world couldn’t

have saved me from what happened the next day.

When I walked into your room and sat down be-

side you on the bed, I felt it.

I felt you give me a piece of your heart.

And Sydney, I wanted it. I wanted your heart

more than I’ve ever wanted anything. The second

I reached down and held your hand in mine, it

happened. My heart made its choice, and it chose

you.

My relationship with Maggie was a great one,

and I never want to disrespect what I had with

her. When I told you I’ve loved her since the mo-

ment I met her and that I’d love her until the moment I die, I was being honest. I have always

loved her, I do love her, and I always will love

her. She’s an incredible person who deserves so

much more than what life has handed her, and it

pisses me off to this day when I think about it. I would switch my fate with hers in a second if I

had that option. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work 620/692

that way. Fate doesn’t work that way. So even

after I knew I had found in you what I would nev-

er find in my relationship with Maggie, it still

wasn’t enough. No matter how much I cared for

you or how deep my feelings for you ran, it would have never been enough to get me to leave Maggie. If I couldn’t change her fate, I was at least going to give her the best damn life I could give her. Even if it meant sacrificing aspects of my

own, I would have done it without pause, and I

never would have regretted it. Not even for a

second.

However, until three weeks ago, I didn’t real-

ize that the best life I could give her was a life without me in it. She needed the opposite of what I could offer her, and I know that now. She knows that now. And we accept it.

So when you ask if I would choose her over

you, you’re presenting a situation that I can’t

give you a straight answer to. Because yes, at

this point, I probably would walk away from you

if she asked me to. The majority of my loyalty still 621/692

lies with her. But if you’re asking who I need

more? Who I want to be with more? Who my

heart craves more? My heart decided that for me

a long time ago, Sydney.

When I’ve read the last word, I pull the note-

book against my chest and cry. He slides me off

of him until I’m on my back, and he hovers over

me, guiding my eyes up to meet his.

“It’s you,” he says aloud. “My heart . . . wants

you.”

A sob breaks free from my chest when I hear

his words. I immediately grab his shoulders and

lift myself up, pressing my lips to the area dir-

ectly over his heart. I kiss him over and over, si-

lently thanking him for giving me reassurance

that I haven’t been in this alone.

When I lower my head back to the pillow, he

lies beside me, then pulls me against him. He

touches my cheek with his hand and slowly leans

in to kiss me. His mouth caresses mine so

622/692

carefully it feels as if he’s holding my heart in his hand and is afraid he might drop it.

As much as I’m convinced he would do

everything he could to protect my heart, I’m still

too scared to hand it over. I don’t want to give it

to him until I know it’s the only heart he’s

holding.

? ? ?

I don’t open my eyes, because I don’t want him
to know I hear him leaving. I felt him kiss me. I

felt him slide his arm out from beneath me. I

heard him pull his shirt over his head. I heard

him search for a pen. I heard him write me a let-

ter, and I heard him place it on the pillow beside

me.

I feel his hand as it presses into the mattress

beside my head. His lips meet my forehead be-

fore he pulls away and walks out my bedroom

door. When I hear the front door shut, I roll onto

my side and pull the covers over my head to

block out the sunlight. If I didn’t have to work

623/692

today, I’d stay right here in this position and cry

myself dry.

I brush my hand across the mattress in search

of his letter. When I find it, I pull it under the

covers with me and read it.

Sydney,

A few months ago, we thought we had it all

figured out. I was with the one girl I thought I

would be with forever, and you were with a guy

you thought deserved you way more than he did.

Look at us now.

Wanting more than anything to be free to love

each other but cursed by bad timing and loyal

hearts. We both know where we want to be; we

just don’t know how to get there. Or when we should get there. I wish things were as easy as