Maybe Someday(113)

I have no idea what to expect from the words

he’s just written, but as soon as he hands me the

paper I begin to soak every sentence up as

quickly as my eyes can scan them. The fact that a

barrier exists in the way we communicate makes

every word I receive from him, in whatever form,

something I feel the need to consume as quickly

as possible.

I don’t know if I’m actually more aware of my

own heartbeat than other people are of theirs,

but I tend to believe I am. The fact that I can’t hear the world around me leaves me to focus

more on the world inside me. Brennan told me

the only time he’s aware of his own heartbeat is

when it’s quiet and he’s being still. That’s not the case for me, because it’s always quiet in my

world. I’m always aware of my heartbeat. Al-

ways. I know its pattern. I know its rhythm. I

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know what makes it speed up and slow down, and

I even know when to expect that. Sometimes I feel my heart react before my brain has the chance to.

The reactions of my heart have always been

something I was able to predict . . . until a few months ago.

The first night you walked out onto your bal-

cony was the first night I noticed the change. It was subtle, but it was there. Just an extra little skip. I brushed it off because I didn’t want to

think it had anything to do with you. I liked how loyal my heart was to Maggie, and I didn’t want

my loyalty to her to change.

But then, the first time I saw you singing along

to one of my songs, it happened again. Only that

time, it was more obvious. It would speed up a

little faster every time I saw your lips moving. It would start beating in places I never felt my

heart beat before. That first night I saw you

singing, I had to get up and go inside to finish

playing, because I didn’t like how you made my

heart feel. For the first time, I felt as though I 616/692

had absolutely no control over it, and that made

me feel horrible.

The first time I walked out of my bedroom to

find you standing in my apartment, soaking wet

from the rain—my God, I didn’t know hearts

could beat like that. I knew my heart like the back of my hand, and nothing had ever made it react

like you did. I put the blankets on the couch for you as quickly as I could, pointed you in the direction of the bathroom, and immediately went

back to my bedroom. I’ll spare you the details of what I had to do while you were in my shower in

order to calm myself down after seeing you up

close for the first time.

My physical reaction to you didn’t worry me.

Physical reactions are normal, and at that point, my heart still belonged to Maggie. My heartbeats

were all for Maggie. They always had been, but

the more time I spent with you, the more you

started to unintentionally infiltrate and steal

some of those heartbeats. I did everything I could to prevent it from happening. For a while, I

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convinced myself that I was stronger than my

heart, which is why I allowed you to stay. I

thought what I felt for you was nothing but at-

traction and that if I let myself have you in my

fantasies enough, that would suffice in reality.

However, I soon realized that the way I fantas-

ized about you wasn’t at all how guys normally

fantasize about girls they’re attracted to. I didn’t imagine myself stealing kisses from you when no

one was around. I didn’t imagine myself sliding

into your bed in the middle of the night and doing to you all the things we both wished I would do.

Instead, I was imagining what it would feel like if you fell asleep in my arms. I was imagining what

it would feel like to wake up next to you in the

morning. I was imagining your smiles and your

laughter and even how good it would feel to be

able to comfort you when you cried.

The trouble I had gotten myself into became

obvious the night I put those headphones in your

ears and watched you sing the song we created

together. Watching those words pass your lips

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and knowing I couldn’t hear them and feeling

how much my heart ached for us in that moment,

I knew what was happening was so much more

than I could control. My strength was over-

powered by my weakness for you. The second my

lips touched yours, my heart split completely in

two. Half of it belonged to you from that point on.

Every other beat of my heart was for you.

I knew I should have asked you to leave that

night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The

thought of saying good-bye to you hurt way too

much. I had planned on asking you to move out

the next day, but once we talked through

everything, the ease with which we dealt with our situation gave me more excuses to ignore it.

Knowing we were both fighting it gave me hope

that I could give back to Maggie the part of my

heart I had lost to you.