Make a Wish (Spark House #3)(69)
Avery raises a hand. “Calm your tits, sis. Everything is fine with me and Deck. And I want to keep it that way. He’s got a lot of baggage when it comes to trust and family issues. He’s super nervous about becoming a father, so we’ve been seeing his therapist together. And honestly, I’ve got baggage too. Between trust issues because of my relationship with Sam, and us losing our parents, Deck and I could use someone to bounce things off of. It helps us keep the lines of communication open.”
“Well, that’s…”
“Smart?” Avery offers. “Declan is my best friend and my partner for life. I don’t want anything to mess that up. Anyway, back to you and Gavin and his monster-in-law, something I can totally relate to, by the way. Give him some time to sort through things. Especially if they’re in town. He might need some space to work through this on his own.”
“How do you keep your mouth shut with Declan’s mom? She’s so much drama.”
“She’s what tabloid gossip columns were made for. And I’ve learned that getting angry about the way his mother manages things isn’t helpful for either of us. Her behavior is a result of her own issues, and I can’t control those, or own her crap. I’ve made it very clear that if she wants to have a relationship with her grandchild, she’s going to have to learn how to keep Declan and me out of her family drama.” She pats her belly. “This kid isn’t going to be used as a pawn in any of their ridiculous games.”
“I know there are some similarities in your situations, but there are some key differences too,” London says softly.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“You and Gavin started off as friends, and it shifted into a relationship. Don’t they usually suggest waiting until after the six-month mark to introduce a significant other when there are kids involved? And you were already part of Peyton’s life. You’ve taken over a lot of the roles his mother-in-law was playing when he lived in Boulder.”
I hate how defensive I feel, and how the past seems to be following me as I try to navigate this new path with Gavin. “What are you saying?”
“Just that it’s not quite the same. I know you have feelings for Gavin and that he has feelings for you, but I want you to be careful. Sometimes I worry that you’re just as in love with Peyton as you are with him. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but you could be looking at a lot of heartache, especially if his mother-in-law doesn’t back down and he won’t stand up to her.”
This isn’t what I want to hear, but it’s something I have to face, because she’s right about all of it. I already feel like I’m in too deep and it scares the hell out of me.
“I think we need to give him a chance to stand up to her before we go condemning their relationship,” Avery jumps in.
“I’m not trying to condemn their relationship. I just worry, that’s all. This is very complicated for a lot of reasons. And now you’re telling us that Gavin’s clearly still harboring guilt over losing Marcie the way he did. That’s a lot of trauma to carry around. And I know it’s still early in your relationship, Harley, but you’re going to want kids of your own at some point, aren’t you?”
“Well yeah, of course, but I have lots of time for that. I’m only twenty-eight.”
“It’s not your age I’m worried about. Or his. It’s how he’s going to cope with a pregnancy when he lost his first wife during childbirth. If he can’t deal with his mother-in-law or his guilt now, what is that going to look like in the future?”
“Geez, London, way to go down the most depressing rabbit hole in the history of the universe.” There’s warning in Avery’s tone.
London purses her lips and gives me an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I’m making things worse.”
“But you have a point. A good one.” I bite the end of my nail and look across the room to the fireplace where a family photo hangs on the wall. Three generations of Sparks, my grandmother, our parents, and us as kids. It was taken the year before we lost our parents. A snapshot of our history.
I would never have a mother of my own to lean on for support in situations like these, but I have my grandmother, who was very much like a mom, and my sisters, who always stand by my side.
I wanted Karen to like me, to accept me, to deem me worthy of the man who had once loved her daughter, but so far, all I’ve done is be defensive and combative. I’m not sure if it’s all Karen, or if maybe I’ve expected her to dislike me and that’s part of the problem. Finding a middle ground seems impossible if Gavin can’t let go of his own guilt and stop living in the past with all the ghosts that haunt him.
And I don’t know what our future looks likes anymore. London is right, even if I don’t want her to be. Gavin has been through a lot, and so have I. But giving up on the idea of motherhood isn’t something I thought I’d have to consider, and I’m not sure how to handle that possibility.
* * *
I spend the rest of the weekend immersed in Spark House, taking photos and creating posts to highlight the sponsors and their contributions and the event itself. I also hang out with London and spend time with her, making centerpieces, being creative, and documenting it all. This is the part of Spark House I enjoy the most, spending time with my sisters. And staying occupied is preferable to sitting at home, wondering how Gavin’s weekend with his in-laws is going. And what kind of conversations they’ve had about me.