Loving Mr. Daniels(77)

Henry held on to me. Students passed and whispered, and some even stood and stared. But I released the breath I’d been holding for the past few months.
And I inhaled the air that lightened my mind.
And I exhaled the air that clogged up my soul.
Breathe in, breathe out. I was desperately in need of performing that task over and over again.
Just. Breathe. Ashlyn.

I was alone at the lunch table. I didn’t even pick up a tray to eat. I just sat. Alone. Broken.
Avery glanced over to me at one point as if he were going to join me, but then he looked away, back to his football table. I wondered how much longer he would keep his sexuality a secret. I wondered if he’d tried to convince himself that he was straight just so he wouldn’t end up as another statistic.
I hoped he would be all right.
Jake was standing in line getting his food. He nodded toward me as if he were going to come sit with me, but I didn’t want to be near him. I hopped up from the table and hurried away. I walked past Avery. I walked past Jake.
But I didn’t walk past Ryan.
Because you couldn’t walk past the dead.
My eyes fell to Daniel, giving him a few blinks that I wanted him to follow me.
I stepped into the gated area in the basement, and there I stood in the darkened space, waiting. To some, I probably appeared to be pathetic for leaning against a wall next a dirty bucket and a mop, but I didn’t care. He would come; I knew he would. If Daniel Daniels loved me the way I knew he did, he would show up.
So I would wait. Even if that meant waiting until the sun fell down and led the world into abyss, I would patiently wait. Knowing that, no matter what, he would do everything in his power to meet me.
I heard his footsteps, and when I looked up, I saw his face. “Sorry I’m late.”
The sniffles were coming back, and when I felt his hands wrap around my lower back, I pressed into him, forming our bodies together.
“I’m sad,” I said breathily.
He rested his chin on top of my head, soothing me with his loving caresses. “I’m sad, too. So instead of being sad alone, we can be sad together for a little while.” His lips connected with my forehead, and I knew there was no one else in the world I wanted to hold. No one else in the world I wanted to have as mine.
But I would hurt him.
I always hurt people because I never took the time to heal myself.
So I had to leave him.
But it felt so hard to pull away.
“I’ve never been in love before,” I whispered, laying my head against his chest.
His fingers traveled through my hair and ran across my cheek, finding my lips. “I thought I’d been in love before, but I was wrong,” he said, circling my mouth with the tip of his thumb. My hot air brushed against his finger as he continued the simple motion that was driving me insane. “Before you, I never truly loved. I’ve never believed in eternity until I found you, Sweets. Ashlyn Jennings, you’re my forever always.”
“No,” I whispered, on the verge of crying. “Daniel, somebody knows.”
His eyes looked down to mine and I felt his worry wash over me. Or maybe it was my own worry. Sometimes our feelings were so in sync it was hard to tell them apart.
“How?”
“The train station yesterday. They saw us.”
His hand brushed over his face and he nodded, taking in the information. “Okay.”
That’s all he said.
I narrowed my eyes. “Daniel, he wants to tell! He wants to get you in trouble!”
His shoulders fell and his sweet blue eyes locked with mine. “I’ve been thinking about quitting, Ashlyn. I can just do my music to make a living. My parents had a little saved up, too. I’ll sell their house. I can find another job or something. That way I can give you everything you need. We can make this work. I can hold you when you need to be held. I can kiss you and not worry about who’s watching. I’ll come to California to be with you.”
“Daniel,” I said nervously. “You can’t sell that house… It’s your home. And you love teaching.”
“No, I love you. You are all that matters.”
He was going to give up everything he’d worked for, everything he was, to choose me.
That’s when I knew what I had to do.
My voice cracked. “I’m ruining your life.”
The walls felt as if they were closing in. I felt chains wrapping around my heart as I slowly started to un-invite Daniel inside of me.
“No…” his voice choked out. I felt his nerves. He knew where this was going.
“My mom’s doing better. But she’s alone down there. I should go back, go home.”
His fingers wrapped around mine and lay against my chest. “This is home, Ashlyn. We are home.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t—” His voice shook. “I don’t understand. I know things are a mess, but…” Tears burned down his cheeks and he stepped away.
“I don’t know who I am right now, Daniel.” My voice was shaky, broken. “I went from having a twin, to having you, and there has never been a time for me to learn what it means to be alone. And I need to try. I need to try to be alone for awhile to prove to myself that I can stand on my own.”
“I understand that, I really do…but…” He wiped his eyes and turned away from me. His hands landed on his waist, and I watched the deep inhales and heavy exhales he was taking. “How can I fix this? How can I make you stay?” He looked back to me. “I’ll give up my world for you, Ash. I’ll give it all up.”
“Daniel…what if I gave up going to California for school?” I whispered.