Loving Mr. Daniels(68)

“Yeah. Right. But…” His voice shook. “Ryan’s dead. And when people die, you get thinking about the things unsaid. The things you were too afraid to say. And I’m about to go away for Christmas break to visit my grandparents in Chicago, so I’m just going to say it now—”
“Jake—”
“I hate him. Whoever the guy is who isn’t here for you—I hate him for leaving you alone today.” My eyes watered up from his words. He reached for his tie and loosened it. “I know you probably think that I was just into you because of your body. Yes, at first, that was why. You’re gorgeous, Ash. But then each day in chemistry you would show up and you would talk. And then I realized how much I liked the way you spoke.
“And then I realized how much you had to say and how much the world deserved to hear your thoughts. And then I thought about how much I would love you if you ever let me in. Then I thought maybe if I cleaned up my act, maybe if I stopped smoking pot or got into college or got a library card or something, then maybe you would love me, too.”
“I do love you, Jake.”
He laughed. “Don’t give me that friendship bullshit. It’s fine, really. I just… I needed to say it. No regrets, right?”
I leaned in, kissed his cheek, and whispered, “Please hug me now.” His arms wrapped around me. I breathed him in and held on to him tight. “Don’t let go yet, okay?” He pulled me in closer.
After the hug, Jake reentered the church. My footprints landed against the fallen snow as I moved in Hailey’s direction. “Hey, Hails.”
She tightened her arms, which lay across her body. Her lips pressed together. It seemed that her focus was on something across the street.
I continued. “I’m so sorr—”
“You know what I don’t understand?” she said, cutting in. “You were supposed to be with him.” Her body rotated in my direction in a haunting fashion. “You were supposed to watch over him for one night. One night! Where the hell were you, Ashlyn?!”
Words. There were so many different words, different phrases in the world, yet I couldn’t develop one.
She puffed a chilled breath. “Exactly.”
“Hailey…when Gabby died—” I started.
“No!” she hissed, holding her hand up to me. “Today isn’t about Ashlyn’s guilt. Today isn’t about Gabrielle. Ryan is dead! You promised!” she cried, choking on air, on her own misery. “You promised to watch after him and now he’s dead!” Her sobs made her words half broken, mere mutters. “Y-you hurt everyone who y-you c-c-come near,” she stuttered. Her gaze fell to the ground. She didn’t mean her words. I knew she didn’t.
If there was anything I remembered from Gabby’s funeral, it was that sometimes it was easier to be mad than to be hurt.
“Who am I supposed to eat lunch with?” her voice whispered. She wrapped her hands over her mouth as a pained cry of sadness left her lips. She continued to sob, her body shuddering. “I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I didn’t mean what I said.”
My arms wrapped around her and I shook my head back and forth. “We don’t do apologies here,” I said, quoting her from the first time I sat at their lunch table. “Because we know harm is never the intent.”
“Theo’s not here,” she cried into my shoulder. “It’s the worst day of my life and he didn’t show up. He said it was against his belief system. Bullcrap if you ask me.” She wiped her eyes and pulled away from me. “The sad thing is, I don’t believe in this, ya know? In coming to a church to mourn in this way. I know Theo isn’t really a Buddhist…but I’m starting to understand the study. I actually love it. And this”—she gestured back to the church—“this doesn’t make sense to me.”
“I can help.” A deep voice was heard, and we turned to see Randy walking toward us. He’d shown up to make sure Daniel didn’t have to be alone after losing someone else in his life. He approached us slowly, not wanting to interrupt. “I know how it is, how painfully unnecessary death can seem. It just feels like you want to get revenge on the world for taking away the things you love.” His head fell and he rubbed his temple. “I’ve studied Buddhism for many years. And if you are interested, we can say a prayer together.”
Hailey’s eyes welled up with tears. Her shoulders dropped. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “I don’t know any prayers. I didn’t study that far into it.”
Randy rushed over to Hailey and kept her from falling, placing his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He wiped away her fallen tears. “I’ll walk us through it.”
I stepped to the side, watching the two try to find comfort.
He took her hands and his dark-cave eyes looked into her blues. “This will be from The Dedication Chapter from Shantideva’s Bodhicharyavatara.”
Hailey snickered softly, sniffling. “I have no clue what you just said.”
“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. I’ll walk you through it.”
And he did. I watched two complete strangers find comfort with one another in the worst moment known. They didn’t shutdown from the unknown. They welcomed it together. Hailey’s harsh breaths began to relax as she held on to Randy’s hands.
My favorite blessing that Randy brought up was, “May all beings have immeasurable life spans. May they always live happily, and may even the word ‘death’ disappear.”