Love Online(70)
“He’s been a godsend. Seriously. Benjamin is so smart. He’s been gone from the industry for a few years, yet he jumped right back in the saddle. You’d never know he went away.”
“I’m so glad he agreed to come back.”
Things were silent for a bit before Ryder groaned. “I’m so horny. I’d give anything to fuck you right now.”
“Don’t say stuff like that to me. I can’t handle it. I miss your body so much,” I said.
“It’s really tough being away from you. But I plan to come out there in a couple of weeks. So it won’t be too much longer.”
My body buzzed at the prospect of getting to see him soon. “I’ll be counting the days, then.”
“My hand is getting sick of me using him,” he grumbled. “I’ve never masturbated so much in my life.”
“Well, your hand should meet my hand. They can lament.”
Ryder laughed before I heard the sound of a doorbell in the background.
“Shit,” he said.
“What’s up?”
“Someone’s at the door. I don’t feel like dealing with anyone tonight.”
“Want me to let you go?” I asked.
“No. No. Hang on. Let me just see who it is.”
A few seconds later, I could hear him talking to a woman.
Then Ryder said to her, “Excuse me a minute.”
An uneasy feeling came over me. “Who is it?”
“It’s, um, Mallory.”
My heart thundered against my chest. “Mallory?”
He whispered, “Yeah. I’m not sure what she wants.”
“Is this the first time she’s come to see you?”
“Yes. I haven’t seen her since the funeral.”
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
This is it.
“I see.”
After I let out a long, panicked breath into the phone, he asked, “Are you okay?”
I was too worked up to bother pretending. “No, not really.”
“Want me to tell her to leave?”
It felt like my throat was closing. “How are you gonna do that?”
“I can make up any excuse if her being here is upsetting you.”
My breathing accelerated. “No. Talk to her. Get it over with.”
“Get what over with?”
I didn’t answer his question. “I’m late for my show anyway.”
He let out a long breath into the phone. “Okay…same time tonight? Midnight?”
“Yeah. Same time,” I breathed, pulling my hair as I paced.
I could hardly catch my breath as I hung up the phone.
The room felt like it was spinning. This was it. This was the moment I’d been fearing. Mallory was going to tell him she loved him. He’d be caught off guard and confused. Old feelings would come flooding back. I’d be able to hear it in his voice later, and so would begin the gradual demise of our relationship. That, of course, was my worst fear played out in two sentences.
Please be honest with me, Ryder.
Checking the time on my phone, I realized I really was late for work. I had no idea how I was going to put on a strong face tonight.
I needed to let it out, so I did something I almost never did. I looked up to the ceiling and channeled my mother.
Palm to palm, I held my hands together. “Hey, Mom. It’s me, Eden. I know it’s been a while since I’ve spoken to you. I just really need you right now. I wish you were here to give me advice. I know you’d tell me to put on my big-girl panties. You’d assure me I don’t need a man to make me happy because you never did.”
I started to change my clothes while continuing to speak to her.
“For the longest time, I assumed my life would always be lonely, especially after Ethan left. But meeting Ryder has made me realize why Ethan had to go—because my feelings for Ryder are stronger than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ll never regret what he and I have shared, even if it ends tomorrow.”
I sat down at my vanity and began to brush my hair.
“I’m asking for your help. At this moment, I’m very afraid of losing him. Just send me strength. I know I’ll be okay no matter what, because I’ve inherited your independent streak. But being okay with being alone doesn’t mean I can’t want what you never had—stability and true love from a man. I’ve spent the past four years taking care of Ollie and never once thought I needed anyone to take care of me. I don’t financially. But emotionally? It feels damn good to be cared for. It’s hard to lose that once you have it.”
I looked up again.
“Anyway…I know Ollie’s been talking your ear off lately, ever since Ryder gave him the idea. I hear him sometimes. He doesn’t realize I listen. I hope you’re as proud of our little guy as I am. I’m trying like hell, Mom. I hope I make you proud, too.” Blowing a kiss, I said, “I love you.”
My heart felt filled to the rim with love for Ryder that had nowhere to go. I hoped I didn’t have to hold it inside forever. I so wanted to release it.
I reached into my jewelry box for one of my mother’s old necklaces. The charm on it was a Celtic symbol signifying strength. Placing it around my neck, I locked the clasp and straightened the chain.