Love Beyond Words (City Lights, #1)(78)

He clutched his desk as the pressure built into a full-blown panic attack. His breath came in short, panting gusts and his pulse raced until he thought his heart would explode. His thoughts raced just as fast; he imagined them careening around his brain, bouncing off the walls of his skull.

Yes, what about Natalie? She’d seemed cowed, but what if she wasn’t? What if she called the police after all? I can’t be everywhere all the time. If she’s stupid enough to betray me, Julian will have to die.

His hand found the gun in his pocket and it somehow brought him a small modicum of calm, but one born of a deep, deep melancholy. His racing thoughts felt suddenly submerged in thick, grave-cold gelatin, and grisly visions swam up at him from the murk.

Julian would have to die. David would have to watch his gorgeous head break apart, reducing the mind that concocted beautiful words to a mess a man with plastic-gloved hands would scrape up later. The reduction of something perfect and sublime to something insignificant and mundane…the power of it made David giddy but saddened him too. He would have to take his turn. He couldn’t live without Julian and the world wouldn’t let him live for snuffing out such a light.

His own death would not be such a monumental thing. It would be quiet and small, but he would know peace. His mind would be silent. At last, the chattering voices that hinted at danger in everything and everyone would also be reduced to smatters on the wall.

Maybe better to do it now before the forces ranged against him tightened their hold, and the maddening itch in the back of his mind grew unbearable. Maybe better to shock them all with his audacity. And what better punishment for Natalie—the cause of all this madness in the first place—than to destroy Julian for her a second time?

As if in a dream, the apartment folded and he stood before Julian’s bedroom without having taken a single step. A slant of morning sunlight spilled over Julian’s sleeping form. His face was turned away, his body still but for the gentle rise and fall of his chest. In a heart’s beat, David stood over him, and touched his fingers to his warm skin. Julian’s head turned, his eyes opened, he smiled sleepily. David smiled back, through tears, and raised his other hand. Julian’s eyes widened as the barrel of the gun met his temple.

The shot was loud there was so much blood…so much…

David jerked violently like a sleeper rudely awakened. He was in the kitchen, at the sink. How did I get here? His hand was in his pocket, his finger around the trigger. The safety was off.

“Dear God,” he said, and swallowed over a throat that had gone dry, and clicked the safety back into place. The phantom gunshot had silenced the maddening chorus of whispered warnings. Now they began again. Right on cue, he sighed, hanging his head.

Julian shuffled out of his bedroom, giving David a start. He looked like shit. There was no better way to describe it. His curls had run amok and shadows ringed his eyes. It was clear that despite all the time he spent in bed, he wasn’t doing much sleeping. He won’t come out seclusion now. Surely not, David thought, pleased. And he isn’t in any shape to do any work on the book…

The book.

And just like that, a plan bloomed in his mind to save them both.

Julian’s dull gaze flickered to the David. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see how you were doing,” David said. “And I have a favor to ask.”

“Sure.”

“My apartment complex is being fumigated for termites and I was going to shack up with my parents. But now my mother is sick, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me crashing here for a few days?”

“Fine.” Julian sank onto the couch and proceeded to stare dumbly at the view surrounding them.

David heaved a breath and watched Julian’s silent misery. David longed to smooth his hair and kiss his lips and tell him that everything would be all right. But he didn’t know that himself. Unless my plan works. He couldn’t allow himself to hope.

#

It was after noon when David pulled into Orbit’s parking lot with a fat envelope of hundred dollar bills in his hand. He tore out of the car, his dress shoes slipping and on the gravel, and raced to the back entrance. He had to hurry. Every moment spent away from Julian was dangerous.

Jesse admitted him from the back and led him down that hallway. Garrett, Cliff’s beefy blond brother was leaving Cliff’s office just as David approached.

“Hold up, Garrett. Stay. Both you stay. Dave didn’t behave himself so well last time,” Cliff said from behind his desk. Smoke encircled his head. “You have something for me?”

He was enjoying this too much, David thought. A two-bit mafia boss in a ratty chair and cheap fluorescent lighting.

“I have it,” David said, and his hand reached to the inner pocket of his sport coat. He tossed Cliff the envelope. “But I can’t do thirty grand every month. I just can’t.”

Cliff flipped through the envelope then set it aside, satisfied, and heaved a sigh. “Dave, Dave, Dave. Not again. Didn’t we go through this before?”

“Yes, but Cliff…”

“No buts, Dave. I got too much shit to do to listen to your whining. Same time next month.” He jerked his chin at Jesse and Garrett. “Get him out of here.”

A swell of anger washed over David, drowning his fear. “No.”

Cliff looked up from his paperwork and blinked. “No?”