Love At First Hate (Love At Firsts Book 2)(9)

I’m enjoying my food and keep my focus on the TV, but the moans and screams are still not drowned out totally, and to my surprise, it’s turning me on. But considering the foul mood I’m in, it doesn’t take me long to put my sweatpants on and storm out of the house and bang on Matt’s door.

I hear a loud, frustrated groan coming from inside the house, and my neighbor opens the door. He’s wearing just boxers, and he’s still very much hard. My eyes zero in on the outline of his hard cock and snap back up when he clears his throat.

“What can I do for you, Nate?” he asks with a smirk, totally full of himself and happy that he caught me eye f*cking him.

“Can you keep it down?” I grumble.

“Aww, little Nate is afraid of a little man on man action?” He chuckles.

“No, Nate is in a bad f*cking mood and needs sleep.”

“Maybe Nate should get a hard cock up his ass and would feel more relaxed. I would offer to help you out, but I have someone inside waiting for me. Unless you want to join us?” He raises a perfect eyebrow looking at me with a smug grin on his face.

“I’m good.”

“Next time maybe.” He winks at me.

“Don’t start. Can you and John be quiet?” Why is he flirting with me? Why is it not bothering me, and why is the fact that he’s almost naked and still very hard turning me on? I hate Matt.

“John and I broke up, but I can be quiet for you, Nate. Get some rest.” He winks at me and closes the door.

I groan and walk back home. I slam the door behind me and lock it.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I turned on by a man?

For the longest time, I was confused about my sexuality. It goes back to twenty years ago. I wasn’t sure how I felt, and I looked at gay porn to see how it would make me feel. Although it was a bit awkward at first, I enjoyed it, and it got me hard, harder than regular porn would get me. That’s why my father sent me to military camp. He caught me jerking off to gay porn. I’ve never explored my sexuality, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m not confident enough to give it a try. I already have a hard time trusting women, I can’t even imagine with a man.

With women it’s easy. I’ve done it countless of times, but with men it seems different. It would feel more intimate. And there’s my family. They already disapprove of all of my choices as it is. It would be even worse if they would know that I still fantasize about men and that the only reason why I’m able to get hard when I f*ck Lindsey is because I’m thinking of a guy or guys I’ve seen in porn videos.

It’s actually quite sad when you think about it.

All your life you’re told to live your life how you want it, to do what makes you happy. But the moment you do that and it doesn’t follow the norm, your family, society, or religion, it’s wrong, and you’re judged and cast away. That’s what happened to me before, and it’ll happen again if they figure out that I’m sexually confused. I know I shouldn’t let them get the best of me, but I can’t help it.

They’ve put me through hell and back all my life because of it. Because I wasn’t interested in the right toys, because I did think about men, because I didn’t want to be with women when all they want is to have a big family they can rule.

I’m the eldest in a family of four kids. Two men—my brother Frank and I, and two women—Caroline and Madeline. Madeline is the only one in the family who I get along with. She’s the only one who supports me no matter what. She’s the reason why I’m still alive today. Without her, I would have ended my life a long time ago.

My father, Robert, and his wife, Linda, have this idea of a perfect united family. Each of their kids married to their significant other with at least two kids each. They want to build their very own little Army, and I do not want to take part in that masquerade. I don’t know what their motives are, but it can’t be any good.

I’ve been told so many times that I’m a disappointment to the family because I’m the eldest and still not married or with kids. I never want that. My brother, Frank, is getting married soon, and I’m dreading that day. I know it’ll be even worse than it usually is regarding their behavior with me, or maybe they’ll leave me alone for once and focus on their prodigal son who can’t do no wrong.

I groan, frustrated with myself that I’m letting Robert and Linda get the best of me. I pick up my plate and rinse it before putting it in the dishwasher.

I turn everything off downstairs and take my phone and hold-all bag with me and go upstairs to get some rest.

I drop my bag by the foot of my bed and go into the joined bathroom. I brush my teeth quickly and take a piss. I wash my hands and look at the state of my overly tired face. My eyes are empty. I can’t remember the last time they had some life left in them. I sigh, feeling sorry for myself, and head to bed.

I check my phone one last time before hitting the hay, and I see five missed calls from Lindsey and ten text messages. I don’t bother checking them. She’s probably whining again, and I don’t want to deal with her right now. I put my phone on the nightstand and close my eyes.

The house is quiet; the house next door is quiet. Maybe Matt listened to me for once.

Fuck me that body. He’s hot and confident, the total opposite of me. I often wonder how different my life would be if I were as confident and as open as Matt. Would I be happier? Would I want all the things I don’t want in life?