Love At First Hate (Love At Firsts Book 2)(3)

I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to fight anymore. Whether it’s with him or for us, I don’t want to nor do I care enough to fight anymore, which is quite sad when you take the time to think about it. We’ve spent four years together, building something that has turned to shit because one of the two people involved is too focused on his need of control and the other feels trapped. I don’t want to put effort into a relationship that is doomed.

My mom always tells me that if something is bothering me, that I should speak up. That I shouldn’t let the rage build up inside of me until I reach the point where I just can’t stand the other person anymore and never want to see or talk to them again. I should have listened to her. I’ve let it build up for so long that I’ve finally had enough. It took me a while, over two years, to open my eyes and realize that this relationship was making me miserable and I wasn’t my happy-go-lucky self. Okay, and the coaxing of some of my closest friends to make me open my eyes that I was becoming a ‘miserable f*cker’. Their words, not mine.

I’ve lost three years with a man who clearly doesn’t care about me or us. He only cares about feeding his obsession to be in control of all things. I let it get the best of me and stopped myself from going out and meeting new people. Whether it be in a friendly way or romantically. People who wouldn’t want to fight all the time, maybe even someone who’d love me and trust me. Maybe the man of my life. Who knows what I’ve been missing?



Tonight is the night.

I’m breaking up with John or at least going to try to. It’s not going to be easy. I hate breaking up with someone. I never know how to approach it or what to say to them. I haven’t had to break up or end things with many people, but f*ck it, I still hate it.

Give me an article to write in an hour about anything, I’ll ace it. Ask me for advice about your relationship, I’ll be giving you the right advice, and you’ll end up being happy. Do I follow said advice for myself? No. Which is why I’ve been standing in front of John’s apartment door for the past twenty minutes, unsure of what to do or say.

What a way to start the week!

Pacing in front of his front door for a couple more minutes, I try to come up with something to say to start the conversation. I take a deep breath and bite the bullet. I slip the key into the lock and turn it. I let myself in, not sure if he’s home already. I kind of wish he would be out just so it’d leave me a few extra minutes to play out the scenario of how it’d go in my mind, but of course, it doesn’t go according to how I planned it. It never does.

In my head, I imagined him being on the couch, on his laptop doing some work. I’d walk in and tell him that we can’t keep doing this anymore. I’d explain how his behavior is weighing on me and has ruined our relationship. That it’s making me unhappy, and we’re over. As simple as that, but do things ever go how you imagine them in your head? Has a scene you’ve wanted to happen ever unfolded the way you wanted it to? If so, please tell me how because it’d be better than what I’m faced with.

John is sitting on the couch as I imagined it, but the laptop isn’t on his lap. No, in the place where his laptop would be, a beautiful naked blonde girl is riding him. The sound of naked flesh slapping against each other is resonating in the too quiet apartment. I’m mesmerized by the scene unfolding in front of my very eyes.

Now it might sound weird, but a sense of relief washes over me. Maybe it’s because I won’t have to tell him that it’s over and give him an explanation of why I want to end things with him or because this is quite comical.

Let me explain why I’m tempted to laugh here. John, the guy who can’t even stand to look at women in sexy lingerie, is f*cking one. Or maybe it’s the memory of things happening exactly the same way for Haven when she found her boyfriend was cheating on her and broke up with him. He was an * just like John. Then she ended up with Spencer, the man of her life.

This could be a good omen to the good that could soon happen to me. Who knows, maybe soon I’ll end up with a neighbor being crazy loud while he f*cks and then meet the man of my dreams. I’m all for that, just tell me where I need to sign. Thinking about it, I might have the loud neighbor already. If only he wasn’t such an * and I didn’t hate him.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

I stand there and quickly become disgusted with what I’m seeing. Not because he’s f*cking a woman. I can appreciate a woman’s body, and I do like curvy women; they look beautiful, even more so when they are confident and embrace their curves. I just like the dick better.

Anyway, I’m disgusted because it’s the guy I’ve been f*cking for four years. The guy I lost four years of my life with, not three like I imagined earlier. And I’m not even going to bother mentioning any kind of feelings I had toward him at this point. They all went out the window rather quickly. Seeing him like this has erased everything from me. It’s like I’ve never felt anything for him, never had any love for him. The only things I want to know are why cheat on me and how long it’s been going on for.

I stand there, the door still open, and clear my throat. They both look up at me, shocked that they’ve been busted.

“It’s not what it looks like, baby, I can explain!” John exclaims, pushing blondie to the side, making her fall to the ground in the process as he’s trying to hide his junk.