Letters to Nowhere(89)

***

We might not have been in Houston at the National Team Training Center, but that didn’t seem to affect Nina Jones at all. She held the intimidation factor just as strong as ever when we lined up for her before our second workout today. The morning had been strength testing and basics and of course those lovely physicals that we all looked forward to.

I had done very well this morning on my strength testing, despite my fading drive. It hurt to push myself through the press handstands and the leg lifts and all of it, but it was a different kind of pain than what had been crushing me the past couple days. And it was a short relief to feel something new. But tonight, I couldn’t find a reason to fight through this workout. To make myself stand out in a field of twenty–four of the best gymnasts in the country.

“You nervous?” Stevie asked from beside me.

“I’m just tired,” I said. “Really tired.”

“Well, snap out of it,” she hissed. “I’m gonna be pissed at you if you so much as water down one single event.”

I glanced at her, totally shocked, but I couldn’t respond because Nina had begun dividing us into groups. Stevie and I were together and Ellen and Blair in another group. Stacey went with the juniors and Bentley stayed with us. We had been assigned to start on vault.

Bentley stretched our shoulders while we waited for Nina to join us with her clipboard. Panic crawled through my insides just seeing her stern face, her hand ready to make all kinds of negative comments in the notes we never saw. And the words, I can’t, I can’t…played over and over in my head.

“I just want to do doubles today,” I whispered to Bentley, trying not to look at Stevie, whose glare I could already feel.

He nodded and prepared to take his place closer to the vault table with the other coaches.

“Henry’s girls,” Nina said, addressing me and Stevie. “What are you showing us today?”

“I’m doing an Amanar, and so is Karen,” Stevie answered before I could stop her.

“No, I’m doing a double.”

Nina moved closer and lowered her voice. “Have you been working on Amanars, Karen? You did doubles at the last camp in February.”

“I have, but…but…my shoulder’s sore,” I lied.

Her eyebrows lifted. “Perhaps tomorrow?”

I let out a sigh. “Maybe.”

She walked off to the opposite end of the runway and Stevie leaned close to whisper in my ear. “Liar.”

I ignored her and shrugged off her words. Bentley set the springboard for me and I got the go–ahead for my first vault. I landed it clean, with no steps or other form errors. None of the three National Team staff said anything to me, but they started talking about me before I even got off the landing mat.

“Her height is amazing, but we’ve got four girls doing Amanars. She can’t beat those scores with a double,” someone said.

I sped up my walk and focused on watching Stevie. She landed her more difficult vault with a big step forward, but I saw surprise fill the faces of the committee members. She had barely made a double around in February.

Stevie Davis was officially back.

I gave a silent cheer for her, because even though she had called me a liar minutes ago, she was still Stevie Davis, one of my favorite gymnasts ever.

Stevie didn’t have as difficult a bar routine as I did, but she totally nailed it for the committee. I doubted they would use her on bars if she did make the Pan Am team, but every solid performance helped prove she was back in top form. I had warmed up the layout Jaeger, getting a few surprised gasps from some of the other girls in my rotation, but when Nina came over with her crew, I started to panic all over again. Three other girls went before me and I tried to visualize my routine in my head, but I couldn’t get past the layout Jaeger, I just kept missing it in my mind and landing face–first into the mat. And without even telling Bentley, I changed it back to my old, simpler piked Jaeger.

I also missed quite a few handstands. Every time I cast up to the handstand, I felt myself falling over, and I stopped before hitting vertical because I didn’t want to completely miss the routine. We weren’t getting scores today, but I could practically feel the deductions adding up in both Bentley and Nina’s heads.

“What happened with the handstands?” Bentley whispered as I peeled off my grips and prepared to head to beam.

I let out a breath. “I don’t know. I couldn’t control it and I was going to fall over.”

“Couldn’t control it? Or just didn’t think you could?”

I felt terrible for making him look bad. It was one thing to try a new skill and mess up on it, and a whole different thing to screw up basics and look like someone who hadn’t been coached well on technique.

“I’m just really tired,” I said as we walked across the arena. “Do you think I should leave out my tucked full on beam? I don’t want to miss it…”

He clasped his hands behind his head and let out a frustrated groan and I felt even worse. “It sounds to me like you’ve already decided.”

And with that, he walked off to help Blair and Ellen at bars while Stacey joined us at beam. I left out my tucked full when I performed for the committee and had virtually no other mistakes in the routine, but I knew for a fact that seven of the twelve senior girls had a higher difficulty score than I had on beam without the extra skill. I wasn’t sure how much that mattered because I didn’t watch everyone’s routine to see the execution, but with only four girls needed for beam at the Pan Am games, I didn’t see myself falling into that group.