Letters to Nowhere(88)

I just smiled at him and said, “Then what would we have to talk about?”

“I don’t know…gymnastics? Third–world countries? Fashion? Glee?”

My fingers brushed his for a brief second and then Stacey was yelling for us to get in the van. “See you later, Jordan.”

“Good luck,” he said. Then he grabbed Ellen around the shoulders and rubbed the top of her head until her hair was messed up. He’d discovered a few weeks ago how mad she got when anyone messed up her hair and he’d been doing that ever since.

Of course, because it was Jordan, Ellen pretended to look mad while blushing and laughing at the same time. Blair got a high five and so did Stevie.

“Have fun with Mrs. Garrett!” Blair and I both said to him before hopping into the van and assuming our seat in the back row. We always rode together to meets if it wasn’t really close, and we took the eleven–passenger van to the airport whenever we had training camps or competitions. Ellen and Stevie got their own rows and Blair and I shared the very back.

“I love him,” Blair whispered, nodding toward Jordan. “You are so not allowed to break up, ever.”

I smiled at her and leaned against the window, feeling tired already. And missing Jordan already. And Nina Jones hadn’t even gotten her hands on us yet. I had a house that needed to be sold and cars that needed to be sold and a boyfriend whom I’d lost some of my connection with and parents who hadn’t loved me enough to not act like idiots.

I was so not in the mood for Nina Jones right now.

After Blair drifted off to sleep like she always does on long car rides, I dug in my bag for the secret items Jordan had stuffed inside. He had put his iPod in my bag, along with a note. I unfolded it carefully, concealing it behind my bag.


Sometimes I can’t find the right words and if someone else already has, I figure I could borrow them for a while. I hope you like the playlist. I think I’ve subconsciously been storing these songs up in my head for a long time. I’d hear them and think of you or you and me or something that I wanted to say and couldn’t. Anyway, I hope you like it.




SONGS FOR KAREN



Notbroken—Goo Goo Dolls (because we both “have a past that steals our sleep”)

I Won’t Give Up—Jason Mraz (because we are worth it)

Falling Slowly—Glen Hansard (the before song)

For You I Will—Teddy Geiger (the first song I played for you on guitar)

Fix You—Coldplay (“when you lose something you can’t replace”)

Home—Phillip Phillips (“settle down, it’ll all be clear. don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear”)

Storm—Lifehouse (this one makes me think of my mom)

Breathe (2 AM)—Anna Nalick (“there’s a light at the end of each tunnel, you’re just as far in as you ever were out”)

Cartwheels—Snowpatrol (don’t read too much into this…just wanted to make you laugh)

Something to Believe In—Parachute (whatever that may be)

Extraordinary—Liz Phair (this requires full volume and jumping on your bed. go ahead, you know you want to)

Keep Your Head Up—Andy Grammar (it’s okay if you listen to this while throwing darts at Nina Jones’s head)

I’ll Stand by You—The Pretenders (because it’s true)

Wonderwall—Oasis (I don’t know what a Wonderwall is but I love this line, “maybe you’re gonna be the one who saves me”)

Name—Goo Goo Dolls (“did you get to be a star?”)

Dirty Little Secret—All American Rejects

Little Talks—Of Monsters and Men

She Is Love—Parachute





On a completely different note, if you don’t make the Pan Am team and you don’t end up on the beach in Rio next month, will you go to prom with me? Sorry that I don’t have a promposal song, that seemed too corny and I was already pushing it with the playlist.




Love,




Jordan




After I put the headphones on and started playing the first song, I pulled my phone out to text Jordan.

ME: Thank you! I love it. Listening to #1 right now. And yes…

JORDAN: I had a lot more songs but I wanted to save a few for the next playlist

ME: Tell me the truth…what’s the deal with Stanford?

JORDAN: It’s not a big secret. I got in. I didn’t get a full ride like some people I know




ME: Oh. I’m sorry




JORDAN: Honestly, I never thought I’d get in or maybe I would have planned better or done something…either way, I have other options.



Money. That was why he couldn’t go. Stanford probably cost a fortune. A lot more than Missouri State, that much I knew for sure. But Bentley had said they would figure something out. He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t mean it. That was my impression of Coach Bentley, but maybe Jordan’s version of his dad didn’t come with the same kind of certainty, because he hadn’t looked convinced when Bentley said those words to him.

But the look on Jordan’s face when he read that acceptance letter, it was like seeing a perfect moment from the outside. He could tell me a million times that it didn’t matter if he went to Stanford or not, but I’d never believe him.