Letters to Nowhere(94)

Great.

“Can I take my drug test now?” I pleaded.

“Fine,” Stacey said. “Be in Stevie and Ellen’s room in twenty minutes. I’m fixing everyone’s hair.”

***

I had no idea what to say to Bentley all during our team breakfast (which was so awkward because my teammates had heard about Jordan and yeah…) and the ride to the arena was nearly silent. I got through five more songs on Jordan’s playlist and loved it so much I was wondering where he was at the moment and if Bentley had been totally pissed off at him. He might have been calm for Nina and even Stacey, but that was probably just to keep himself from looking like he didn’t know what was going on with his gymnasts and his kid.

He sat next to me while I stretched before timed warm–ups began. “You’re making me nervous, Karen. I have no idea which version of you we’re going to see today.”

My face flamed again and I leaned closer and lowered my voice. “I just don’t know what to say. I mean…”

“You mean about Jordan?” He scooted closer, his blue warm–up pants crinkling in the process. He was decked out in his coach’s polo and official gym shoes, badge around his neck. It didn’t seem like we should be talking about me and Jordan at the moment, but it would just become this elephant that would keep growing bigger if we didn’t.

“Yeah, about Jordan,” I said.

“I’m not thrilled, considering the living arrangements, but I trust him and I trust you.” He smiled a little. “I probably trust you a tad more than Jordan. But mostly I’m glad that you have people like Jordan and Blair and Stevie in your life. You need them right now.”

“Jordan said you would kill him if you found out,” I admitted.

“I still haven’t ruled it out,” he said, grinning. “And I’m not looking forward to the breakup that is almost inevitable…” He paused for a second, thinking. “Although, I met Anna when I was Jordan’s age.”

“How did you meet her?” I had to ask. Even if just to tell Jordan later on, because I wasn’t sure he knew the answer either.

“Physical therapy,” Bentley said. “I was training for the summer in New York and she was at Juilliard. I blew out my knee and she battled with carpal tunnel syndrome.”

“From the cello?” I asked, feeling myself smile. “And then what?”

“I went back home to Chicago, started at Ohio State that fall, and she came to visit me and I went to visit her. We were barely twenty when she got pregnant with Eloise. Her parents were not happy. But we were.” He nodded to himself, wrapping his arms around his knees. “We were happy. My parents were more relaxed about everything. They threw us a very casual wedding, and honestly, we had no money, no insurance. My career prospects depended on my body holding up, and music wasn’t exactly the most reliable career either. But Eloise came along and she was so perfect.”

I was already wiping the corner of my eyes, hoping that I wasn’t going to make my coach cry, too. I’d already caused him all kinds of issues this past week.

“Sometimes bad things happen at the worst time,” Bentley said. “But somehow, good things can come out of it. I don’t think kids your age should have babies or go without health insurance and get married at twenty, but it certainly isn’t the end of your life. And you learn as you go. That’s why Jordan’s birth was such a planned experience. Why struggle if you don’t have to? And I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson, too. I won’t ever have to worry about you stowing Jordan in your hotel room during training camp, right?”

“Right.” I looked up at him then, knowing that I had to do it. I had to ask him. “I need you to tell me something.”

“Okay.”

I took a deep breath. “I need to know where you put them—Anna, Eloise, your parents. Jackie, my therapist, says everyone puts people they lose somewhere in order to go on, and I haven’t exactly done that because I don’t really believe in God and I can’t fool myself into any other theory like heaven or hell, believe me, I’ve tried.”

He glanced up at the ceiling, and I thought maybe he was finally succumbing to his emotions, and he might have been, but he pulled it together before looking at me again. “I think I put them inside me. I used to be just like Jordan—wild and daring. And Anna was so calculated and careful, and somehow, after she was gone, I became that way too. And Eloise was the kindest, most loving child I’d ever seen. She wanted to save everyone and everything and when I heard about your parents, I knew that I wanted to be the one to take care of you, and then I realized that I had some of her in me, too.” He tapped my knee and smiled. “And you and your detective work, I’d say you’ve got a little of your dad in you. And the way you worry about Jordan, it’s a lot like your mom worried about you.”

“And Jordan and his music,” I said, thinking aloud. I tried to wipe my eyes and nose on my warm–up jacket, but then a smudge of black mascara on my sleeve stopped me from finishing the job. Bentley reached over and rubbed his thumbs under both of my eyes.

“Thanks for telling me,” I said and he nodded. “I think I’m going to sign those papers. Sell my house. But I don’t want the money. I’m still angry about it, and even if I wasn’t, I don’t want to get paid because my parents were irresponsible one night. I think giving it away will make me feel better about it.”