In the Stillness(82)

My dad smiles. “I know, Bill e-mailed me. He said it was great to see you again.”

“How often do you guys talk?” I chuckle.

“Off and on over the last few years . . .” He shrugs and I understand I’m not to press any further.

“He went to a therapy session with me a couple of weeks ago.”

“Who did?” Eric asks as he materializes from behind the sliding door.

Fantastic.

Slowly turning around, I meet his eyes. We haven’t spoken much today, but it hasn’t been awkward. Until now.

“Ryker.” I swallow hard and brace for his reaction.

Eric looks to my dad, and then the floor as he clenches his jaw. “Why?”

I know I don’t owe him any damn explanation, but I offer one anyway. “Because we went through a lot together, and—”

“And we didn’t?” Eric looks at me in disgust. “We had a marriage and a family, but you’ll bring him to your therapist?”

“It’s not like that, Eric . . . Dad, can you give us—”

My dad cuts me off with a nod and quickly excuses himself outside.

“What is it, Natalie?” Eric and I haven’t been alone in a room in almost two months. My anxiety is rising quickly.

“I was always very honest with you about my feelings, Eric. With Ryker, it was different. I had a lot of things that needed to be said to him in order for me to be able to move on. You have no idea what it was like when he came home—”

“Because you never talked to me!” Eric’s shout makes me jump.

“This isn’t about you, Eric. What you and I went through—are going through—has nothing to do with that. We made some tough choices early on that turned out to be the wrong ones.” I keep my tone firm and calm. A screaming match right now won’t do anyone any good.

“Like what, having the boys?” he mocks.

Sweet Jesus, are we having this conversation again?

“No, like getting married because we were worried about what other people would think. Like me staying at home . . . like you having an affair.” I haven’t thrown the affair in his face, but he needs to know that I’m not ignoring it.

“If you’d paid a little more attention to me, Nat—”

“Nope,” I shake my head, “no way. You’re not blaming me for the affair. It was your choice. One you made every day for a year, if I remember correctly. Look,” I run a hand through my hair and walk past him, “the party is winding down outside . . . I’m going to get the boys and go home.”

As I set my hand on the door, he speaks in an almost-whisper. “I loved you, Natalie.”

“I know,” I sigh, “I loved you, too. But, I can’t live in past tense anymore, Eric.”





Chapter 41





A few days later, I’ve got the boys set up with our nanny, Caroline. As I’m getting ready to leave for therapy, there’s a knock at the door. Opening it, I find a man standing there, holding three tulips—my favorite flower—and a package with a card taped to it. After setting the flowers by the window, I take the card and package to the car, not wanting to be late for Dr. Greene.

I recognize the writing on the card immediately. Hundreds of letters from Afghanistan made me a Ryker Manning handwriting expert. With shaky fingers, I slide the envelope open.

Natalie,

I remember you told me Max and Oliver’s birthday was coming up, but I don’t think you told me when. The flowers are for you, because you’re a great mother. I hope they’re still your favorite. The book is for them. I guess it’s the best way to try to make sense of it all . . . I hope they have, or had, a good birthday.

~Ry

My car feels too small as I tear open the wrapping and find “The Little Chapel That Stood,” a children’s book about 9/11, and the chapel 100 yards from the Twin Towers that managed to survive the chaos. It became a safe haven for many EMTs, firefighters, and policemen. I flip through the book and can’t get past the fifth page without succumbing to the heavy emotion that brings me back to that day.

The book highlights all the heroes born that day, and illustrates that from evil can come great good. Flipping back to the beginning, I see that Ryker put a note inside the front cover.

Max and Oliver,

Heroes don’t always wear capes, badges, or uniforms. Sometimes, they support those who do.

Setting the book on the passenger seat, I drive to Dr. Greene’s office in a hurry.





“That was quite thoughtful of him,” she says as I show her the card and the book.

“It was. He is.” I’m still wiping tears from under my eyes.

“He called you a hero to your boys but left space for you to explain it to them. How do you feel about that?”

“Overwhelmed. I don’t feel like a hero, at all.”

“What kind of relationship do you want to have with Ryker, Natalie? You’ve spent a fair bit of time with him, and he sent you flowers and your boys a present . . .”

“I actually haven’t thought much about it. It was just such a shock to have him in my life again. I was taking it one day at a time. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that one or both of us would find it too intense to be around each other.”