In the Stillness(84)

“Driving home from therapy,” I laugh again. This time, he does too.

“All right, well I’ll let you go so you don’t drive off the road. I’d still like to have the boys out to the farm sometime. I think they’d have fun.” His voice is full of nerves.

Suddenly, I’ve fallen through the rabbit hole and I’m panicking. I know he’s trying to be nice, and the boys really would love to go to the farm, but I don’t know if I’m ready for all of that. As innocent as it might be, having my boys and Ryker in the same frame feels like too much right now.

“That’d be great. Can we give it a few weeks? I want to get the boys started in school, and the classes I’m teaching are starting soon . . . there’s just a lot coming up.” I hate the feeling that I’m turning him down, but I have to take myself seriously.

“Sure,” he sounds a little deflated, “absolutely. Just, uh, call me when you’re settled in the routine, okay?”

“I will. Ryker?”

“Yeah?”

No, not yet . . .

“Thanks again for the gift, and the flowers. They’re beautiful.”

“You’re welcome, Nat. Bye.”

“Bye.”





Chapter 42





I remember the day I knew Ollie’s hearing was gone for good. As the summer progressed, he had fewer days, fewer moments, when he could hear us. Fewer times when his name came from my mouth and mattered, fewer times “Return to Pooh Corner” helped him fall asleep. I still sing it, even if Max is already asleep. But, two weeks after school started, and Eric dropped the boys off at my house one Sunday night, he told me Ollie hadn’t responded to any vocal communication that week. I frowned as I told him that he hadn’t the week before, either.

We stood in broken silence—irony at its finest. The day had finally come. After tucking them into bed, I locked myself in the bathroom and slid down the door until I met the ground in tears. It took every ounce of any strength I ever thought I possessed not to reach for the razors that night. But, I stayed in the bathroom until I’d fully thought the cut through, realizing it wasn’t worth it—then more than ever.

“How are the little guys doing in school?” Tosha asks over lunch on campus.

It’s been incredible getting back to work. The material never left my blood, so getting in the groove didn’t take long. I teach two classes, three days a week, in the morning. It leaves me time to grade and prepare on my days off, and spend time with the boys in the afternoons on my weeks.

“They’re good. I had reservations at first about them going to different schools, but, our options were kind of limited on that front.”

The boys are each in full-day kindergarten. Max works with a therapist for a half hour a day to maintain his sign language. On my weeks, I pick up Ollie first. When we get Max, their hands are moving so fast, signing about their days—it’s hilarious. Ollie can talk to Max just fine and can read lips really well, but they think it’s fun to use sign language, and Ollie has to use it at school for his classmates, anyway.

“And . . . have you talked to Ryker?” Her Thai noodle salad spins around her fork as she asks.

“I texted him last week to let him know I hadn’t forgotten about his invitation to the farm, but things are obviously busy, and with only having them every other week it’s a little complicated.”

She looks up. “Does he buy it?”

Rolling my eyes, I put my drink down. “There’s nothing to buy, Tosha. That’s the truth. I don’t need to freak him out by telling him I’m not ready, when he’s probably not even thinking along those lines. He’s just being nice.”

“How’s Eric been lately?”

“He’s okay.” I sigh. “The earliest the divorce will be finalized is probably March, but our attorney thinks it shouldn’t be a problem to have it done before the first of the year since we’re not contesting anything. It also helps that neither one of us are acting like total *s.”

She laughs. “I bet you want to sometimes though, huh?”

“Yeah,” I snicker, “especially when he first asked me if it was okay for him to go on a date . . . as if he’d been asking my permission for the last year and a half.” I roll my eyes.

“Who was the date with?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Or care, really. We just agreed that we would keep any new relationships away from our boys until it became serious. There’s absolutely no reason to confuse them at this point. Anyway,” standing, I grab my tray and Tosh follows me to the trashcans, “I’ve gotta get over to the Soldiers’ Home.”

Tosh smiles. “How’s that going?”

“Actually it’s really good. Massively humbling, really. I’ve been spending one-on-one time with this Marine, George, who’s a Korean War vet. He’s really something . . . reminds me a bit of my grandfather.” I smile broadly as I think of my new friend.

“I think it’s awesome. All right, chick, catch ya later.” After a quick kiss on the cheek, she heads off to her next class and I get in my car to drive to the Soldiers’ Home.





“Knock, knock,” I smile as I walk into George’s room where I find an elderly woman sitting in the chair next to his. From pictures he’s shown me, I recognize it to be his wife.