In the Stillness(80)

Wrapping my arms around my waist, I groan a little. It feels like I’ll never stop crying at this point.

“I did, Natalie, I saw your face, and heard your laugh, and . . . I ran for Lucas. He was on the ground, screaming, when I got to his Humvee. The fire was spreading so I dragged him a few feet away before trying to treat him. I didn’t see his injuries right away, but I felt blood pouring down my arms.”

I think I might be sick, but Ryker stays in the story.

“I knew no matter where it was coming from, it was bad. There was just a lot of it. I kept telling him it was going to be okay and I’d get him help. He yelled at me to go get the other guys.” Ryker’s voice pinches, “He knew . . .” Ryker stands and laces his fingers behind his head.

“When did you get shot?” I have no idea why I’m asking questions.

“About a second after I told Luke I wasn’t going to leave him. I think I might have screamed once, but I kept just trying to stabilize him. My back hurt like hell. I didn’t know where exactly I got shot, or how much blood I was losing, so I worked as fast as I could. When the medic got over to us, I looked down at Luke and said, he’s here, man.” Ryker sits back down on the couch and buries his face in his hands. “He was gone, Nat. Just like that, in my arms in the middle of f*cking nowhere, he was gone.”

Disregarding old instincts that would tell me to keep my distance, I slide over to Ryker and rest my head on his shoulder. He puts his arm around me, drawing me closer.

“I was yelling his name and . . . there was just so much blood everywhere, Natalie. I honestly forgot that I’d been shot until I started to get dizzy, and one of the medics behind me spotted the wound. He just . . . died. My best f*cking friend, who wanted nothing more than to be a lifelong soldier, died, and I couldn’t stop it. That’s why I lost it the way I did that night in your dorm. I know it is. God, I must have been a sight.”

“I’m so sorry, Ryker,” I wail, causing both of us to lean back into the couch and give in.

All it takes is a second for me to really get why Ryker felt like he wanted to reenlist, why he never wanted to talk about Lucas, and what a complete bastard PTSD is.

“It’s okay, Nat,” Ryker whispers into my hair, “I just . . . I know how I must have looked and sounded that night in the field with Luke and . . . if you saw even a piece of that from me, ever . . . I’m sorry.”

“It’s over now, Ryker.” I pull my tear-streaked face from his shoulder and place my hands on his cheeks.

He wraps his hands gently around my wrist and locks his blue eyes with mine. Eyes that have seen more darkness than I ever wanted to admit existed in the world. “That’s the thing, Natalie . . . it’s never really over.”

“You’re right,” I sigh, sliding my hands down his face to his shoulders, “it never really is.”

We’ve run out of words and tears as I turn to the side, resting my head on Ryker’s chest as he leans back on the arm of my couch. He’s in no apparent rush to leave, and I don’t want him to. Not yet.





Chapter 40





“How long did he stay?” Tosha asks far too early the next morning.

“A few hours.”

“And you didn’t talk?” she nearly shrieks through the phone.

“Not a word.”

Relaxed, I sit in the kitchen with my coffee and stare out the window. Ryker and I stayed in the same position on the couch for hours, holding hands in silence. Silence, I suppose, is a relative term used to describe what others might have seen. I’m sure his head was filled with as much noise as mine as I replayed everything he’d told me, and cried a little more for what my ex-boyfriend had been through.

“What’d he say when he left?” Tosh sounds impatient.

“That he was glad he came over, and that it helped him fill in some gaps . . . then he kissed my forehead and left.”

“He keeps doing that.”

“What?”

She laughs. “Kissing your forehead.”

“Yeah . . . he does.” I can’t stop my grin.

“Does it bother you? I can hear your smile, you know.”

“Not really. It doesn’t, like, mean anything. It’s just . . . it’s Ryker.”

I can’t deny that having his lips on my skin feels good. Not in a lust-filled sort of way, but in a comforting way. Spending time with Ryker feels like coming home somehow.

“Mmhmm,” Tosha mumbles.

“All right, I gotta go, Tosh. I’ve got to gather stuff for the boys’ birthday party this weekend. Tell me you’re still coming.” I feign panic. The party is at Eric’s parents’ house, and while my parents will be there, I need someone completely in my corner for the day.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Her voice turns a shade serious, “You okay today?”

“I really am. Love you, Tosh.”

“Love you too, Natalie.”





By the end of the week I’m looking forward to having the boys back in my apartment, even if it means I have to get through their birthday party with our families first. We’ve invited a few of their friends from preschool, along with my parents, Tosha, and Oliver’s nanny and occupational therapist.