In the Stillness(78)

“Hey, Nat.” He sounds incredibly nervous, and not unlike a version of him that I’m trying to forget.

“You okay?” I start breathing through my mouth as my pulse refuses to slow down. Tosha stands, looking ready for action. It’s amazing how the past trains you.

He takes a big breath. “I’m fine. I was just . . . do you have your boys tonight?”

“No, I took them to Eric today.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t called or texted you.”

I have the sudden urge to keep him talking, and I’m hoping it’s an overreaction. “It’s fine. I kind of dumped—”

“No, Natalie, it’s good, I appreciated it . . . look, can I come over? I need to talk to you about some things.”

“Sure . . . uh, Tosha and Liz are here, but—”

“I need to talk to Tosha, too, actually. See you in a few.” His tone is urgent, but not stressed.

“Okay . . . bye.” Hanging up, I look to Tosha and Liz. “He’s coming over and says he wants to talk to you, too, Tosha.” I shrug.

“Like I’d leave you alone now, anyway.” Tosha rolls her eyes.

Ten anxious minutes later, there’s a knock on my door. I notice that Liz and Tosha seem to tense a little as I approach the door, but I don’t mention it. Liz, to the best of my knowledge, has only seen Ryker once, and that was the night that we went to the ill-fated party at UMass. The night I knew something was wrong. Opening the door, I find Ryker in cargo-khaki shorts and a National Guard t-shirt. Staring between the t-shirt and his eyes, I swallow hard.

“Hey, come in. Liz, this is Ryker, Ryker, this is Tosha’s girlfriend, Liz.”

Ryker wipes his palm on his shorts before producing a sweet grin and extending his arm. “Nice to meet you.”

I don’t bother to ask if he remembers meeting her before. He probably doesn’t.

“So, what’s up, Ry?”

Tosha’s eyebrow crooks as her gaze follows me to the kitchen after I call him Ry.

“I need to know about the last night.”

“The last night of what?” I shake my head in confusion

“Look,” Ryker starts, “I’ve spent a lot of time in the last week and a half thinking, and talking with my shrink . . . I don’t remember things about the night in your dorm, when you fell, and I know it’s not just from the drugs I was on.”

He brushes past me and sits across from Tosha at the kitchen table. She suddenly looks uneasy as she realizes, along with me, that she’s the only one who can answer questions either one of us might have about that night. “I just . . . can’t explain it right now, but I need to know as much as you can remember about that night, Tosha.”

Without blinking, Tosha moves her eyes to Ryker’s. “I remember everything. Let’s go out on the patio,” she says flatly, “I’m going to need a few cigarettes.”





Chapter 39





“I really thought you were attempting suicide.” I swallow a huge amount of wine as I finish what I remember from that night. “You were so pale, and sweaty, and your eyes—they were just blue, your pupils were so constricted. I pulled that fire alarm because I knew, even if we made it to the front of my dorm, I was going to have a battle on my hands to get you to the hospital.”

“And you were scared of what I might do to you.” Ryker leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and looks me straight in the eyes. This isn’t a question. Still, I falter. “Come on, Nat . . .”

He needs me to be honest.

“Yeah, I was scared.” This time, I can’t look away from him.

“Do you remember falling?” Tosha asks.

“I do.” Answering Tosha’s question, I keep looking at Ryker. “I remember you’d grabbed my wrist again, pissed that I’d pulled the fire alarm. You looked angry . . . and scared. Your palms were all sweaty and I pulled back really hard, trying to get away and just slipped right out of your hold. I remember thinking, shit, as I was falling, but that’s the last thing.”

“Okay,” Ryker turns to Tosha without missing a beat, “what happened next?”

On cue, Tosha lights a cigarette and looks out into the tree line.

“When the girls were coming out after the fire alarm was pulled, they told me Natalie was passed out on the stairs, and her boyfriend was screaming at her to get up. They kept saying he pushed her, he pushed her. So, I ran in.” Far be it from Tosha to be afraid to take on Ryker. “I reached the main doors at the same time you did, Ryker. You were holding Nat like this,” she pauses to hold out her arms, indicating the fireman-like hold, “and her limbs and head were completely limp. I thought you’d killed her . . . I really did. Then you started screaming at everyone to get out of the way.” Tosha’s nose turns bright red as she begins wiping tears away from her face.

I chance a glance at Ryker, whose head is down and eyes are tightly closed. Tosha looks at me as she starts speaking again. “I’ve never told you this part, Nat . . .”

Oh, good . . .

“What?”

Tosha holds out her pack of cigarettes, and I take one. Ryker silently snatches one as the pack drifts by his face. Liz looks thoroughly uncomfortable sitting next to Tosha—like she’s peeking through a church window—but she doesn’t say a word. After we’re all sufficiently prepared, Tosha resumes.