In The Darkness (Project Artemis #1)(35)
He stared down at her as she stood there completely dejected and felt the self-loathing wash over him again. She hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve this from him. If anything, he should be working day and night to earn her forgiveness for what he did.
And even knowing all of that, he still couldn’t see how anything but pushing her away would be good for her.
“I don’t know what you mean. You don’t have to fix anything. This is just who I am,” he said, mixing his lies with that single truth in the middle.
She lifted her head, and he saw she didn’t believe him. “No, it’s not. You were good and kind to me all those times you came into that room where they kept me tied up. You made me smile. Where is that man who became my lifeline? I would have given up if it wasn’t for him. Where is he in this functional world you live in?”
Suddenly, watching her protest against his lies became too much for even him to stand. He didn’t want to be the person who pushed her away, even if a voice in his head screamed that what he’d done would forever haunt them.
Taking hold of her hand, he squeezed it gently and smiled. “I don’t know how you’ve forgiven me, but I’d give anything to know how to do it.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “How to forgive me? What have I done? Tell me and I promise I’ll make it up to you, Nick.”
He shook his head, unable to understand how she couldn’t admit what he knew. “You have nothing to make up to me. It’s me who owes you. I can’t forget what I did, and no matter how many times I justify it, I can’t forgive myself.”
Chapter Twelve
“There’s nothing to forgive. You saved my life. Nothing else matters,” Persephone said, suddenly realizing the depth of his guilt.
Knowing why Nick had been so cold to her the week before made her wonder how much he’d tortured himself over that one act. Out of everything he’d done to save her, he’d focused on that one moment in time until it pushed out all the good he’d done.
He dropped his hold on her hand and backed away, just as he had practically every time he’d been close to her since that nightmare ended for them. Turning his back on her, he said in a low voice, “You should leave now.”
“I don’t want to leave, Nick. I want to stay and tell you that you don’t have to be forgiven for anything. You don’t.”
But he just shook his head. She needed to say something more to get through to him or he’d never forgive himself. She couldn’t live with that.
Touching his back, she felt him exhale and watched his shoulders drop.
“Please listen to me. You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything you did. Without you, I’d still be at that house, tied up to that kitchen chair with a gag in my mouth. Because of you, Nick, I’m free from that. I know what you can’t forgive yourself for doing, but I already forgave you.”
“You shouldn’t have,” he said in a low voice laced with anger.
She walked around to stand in front of him, but still he wouldn’t look at her. “Please, Nick. You’re the only person on earth who knows what I went through. I have no one else who shares that with me.”
Nothing she said worked. He simply winced like her words caused him pain. She needed to get through to him, so she swallowed hard and bared her soul to the only person who might understand.
“I go to this therapist nearly every day since I got back. It’s the only time I get away from everyone’s eyes on me, so it’s sort of a break. Is that messed up or what? The people who love me watch me like a hawk, and that bothers me. I know why they do, but I’m not going to just disappear one day, you know?”
She watched for any response from him, but still he just avoided meeting her gaze. So she continued her confession.
“So I go to the therapist and she listens to me talk about what I went through. She’s helpful because I need to talk about it but there’s no one around who truly knows what happened, so I tell her. She doesn’t say much, Dr. Wilson. Sometimes she tries to explain why I feel the way I do, but mostly she just sits and listens. I tell her about how at the age of twenty-eight I’m suddenly afraid of the dark. How terrified I get in the darkness now. Things like that. She says that will go away. I don’t know, though.”
Nick pressed his lips together, as if he needed to stop some words from falling out of his mouth. Persephone desperately wanted to hear those words, but still he remained silent.
Turning away, she told him what she said to the doctor about the man who saved her. “I talk to Dr. Wilson about you. My father told me I couldn’t tell anyone your name, so I call you my guardian angel. I told her how you made me hope when I didn’t have any reason to hope I’d ever get away from those men. I told her how it got to the point that the only happiness I could find in my day was when you came to see me.”
Behind her, Nick exhaled a loud sigh. She couldn’t bear to see his face as she continued because she couldn’t handle his rejection again. For a moment, she hesitated telling him what else she told her therapist, but something inside her spurred her on, so she continued, her voice shaky from fear.
“I told her what we did and why it happened. I told her that I hated you when it was happening, but now I see that it was you trying to protect me from those monsters. She claims I’m suffering from Stockholm syndrome or something like it because I care about you, but I think she’s wrong. It’s not that simple, even though she makes it seem like it is.”