In Spite of the Bosset Life(11)

“Right here, darling. Cut it,” said my nurse. I was crying as I cut the cord. They quickly cleaned my screaming baby girl and gave her back to me. Dr. Edmonds had already done all the suctioning when Majesty’s head popped out. She wanted me to share these first moments with my princess. I was already good to go with letting them save my baby’s cord blood.

“Ohh Majesty, I love you so much. Mommy loves you,” I said crying. Everyone stood around the bed taking pictures. They started observing my baby and everything seemed good. I was so thankful. Ace, I gave you a healthy baby girl like you wanted.



***

About forty-eight hours after Majesty was brought in this world, we were able to go home. Dr. Edmonds made sure my baby got all the tests she needed before going home. I also paid for a few more that the state didn’t require. Momma Dukes said it wasn’t no need and that her grandbaby was perfect. Majesty was my only child, so I was doing everything. Even if it seemed like I was doing too much for my baby, I didn’t care. I wanted to be the best mother ever.

The first few weeks home with my baby was rough. Since I was a calm type of person, I was able to go with the flow. Majesty changed up her schedule so much. I adjusted to her and worked around her.

It didn’t make it better how everyone wanted to meet and see baby Majesty. I didn’t want my baby exposed to all that extra attention from people I barely talked to. Half these folks didn’t even come see me when I was in jail, so why would I allow them to be in my baby’s face? Plus, I didn’t want people taking her picture or holding her. Only those who had been here from my incarceration was allowed in my house.

I had to get on Momma Dukes and put my foot down a few times. If somebody came with Momma Dukes, they thought that she was like a free pass to get in. They had me and my daughter f*cked up. Ace’s whole family thought they would bum rush my house and lounge around. They had the game backwards. Nola was a big help and kept those just plain nosey family members away with her bossy ass. She almost put her foot up Ace’s cousin’s ass. I watched on the cameras, cracking up at my best friend.

***

“Boo, you just threw up on mommy?” I was burping Majesty until I felt warm fluids run down my neck and back. She was just smiling.

“You think this funny! Smoochie, you think it’s funny,” I said talking like a baby to her. I know Dr. Edmonds told me not to but I couldn’t help it. I tried not to do it often though. I stripped her out her wet clothes and put some dry, clean ones on. I put her in the bassinet and cleaned myself up.

“Hey sis. What you doing?” asked Kori, just walking in. Since Ace was gone, no one never knocked. They thought they didn’t have to.

“Boo got me,” I said, taking off my shirt. I looked at my podgy stomach and couldn’t wait to lose this weight.

“She did. Majey Majey,” said Kori, getting on the bed to play with Majesty. I looked at Kori quick. “I washed my hands Koì,” said Kori, raising her hands for me to see.

“Alright,” I said, turning back around. I put my shirt on and my eyes caught a glimpse of the photo of me and Ace. Tears welled in my eyes and I tried to wipe them away. “Kori, can you watch Majesty for a few minutes?”

“Yeah sis. What’s wrong?” Kori was holding Majesty and looking at me with worried eyes.

“Oh nothing...I just need to use the bathroom,” I said, not looking at my sister. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I turned the faucet on so no one could hear me crying. “I can’t,” I said, talking to myself. “I can’t do it no more. Jesus, please help me,” I said, looking at myself in the mirror. I was falling apart by the day. Everyday taking care of Majesty was weighing down. I didn’t have Ace here to help, so I did everything. I refused everyone’s helping hands because I felt it was my job to take care of Majesty, not everyone else’s. I laid down with Ace unprotected. I was the one often refusing the damn condoms. I had to be responsible. “Ace told me not to be scared to talk to you...I need you, Lord. I can’t keep doing this by myself. Majesty needs a daddy and mommy. Ace already gone and I feel I can’t hold on any longer. I feel horrible that my little girl never met her father. Jesus, please don’t hold anything I did in my past against my little girl.” I was crying and holding onto the sink. I heard knocks at the door and Momma Dukes begging me to open up. I didn’t have the strength to get to the door. I passed out.

Once I woke up, there were paramedics in my bathroom. My bathroom door was broken down. I could see the pill bottle across the floor. I began to cry more. I almost took the whole bottle but something stopped me. A voice stopped me.

“Where my baby?” I started to freak out.

“She’s with the kids. Calm down. What happened? What did you do yourself, Koì?” asked Momma Dukes, crying. The paramedics checked me out. Once they saw I had just passed out and was extremely dehydrated, they put me on an IV for about an hour. I told Momma Dukes to keep Majesty in her room until the paramedics left. Once they did leave, all I wanted was my baby.

“Koì, you scared me...I love you,” said Kori, hugging me. I was lying under the covers with Majesty cuddled next to me.

“I love you too,” I said, not hugging her back. She just stared at me with watery eyes. Momma Dukes was downstairs cooking diner. Kash quietly entered the room, not trying to wake Majesty up. I felt like a bad parent. I couldn’t kill myself but the thought of even thinking about it weighed heavily on me. I had three kids who depended on me.