If I Only Knew(7)

“Good,” I say, hoping she cares a little about that. Although, I don’t think she cares about anything at this rate. “Just don’t suspend her. Give her a month of Saturday detention or extra homework, but giving her time off school seems a little counterproductive, don’t you think?”

I never understood that. If you cut class, and then they suspend you, then the student wins. I’m all about making her suffer at this point. She’s already lost her phone and going out privileges. There’s not much more I can take away, other than my sanity.

“I’ll tell the vice principal your concerns.”

“Thank you. I plan to deal with her at home as well.”

“Good luck,” she chuckles softly.

God knows I need it.





Chapter Three





Danielle





“You don’t care about me anyway!” Ava screams as I take the television out of her room.

“Nope. I sure don’t,” I agree as I keep walking.

She skipped school, she gets nothing. It’s bare necessities for this kid. I tried the civil route. I asked her why, what was going on, if I could help, but she told me to go to hell. So, she’s going to find out what hell is like and spend some time there herself.

“I hate you!”

I turn, and nod. “Then I’m doing my job. You’re going to learn that life sucks, Ava. Rules, disappointment, and tragedy is a part of what we deal with daily. It’s not a free pass to act like this. If you’re pissed off because someone killed your father—you should be. You can feel it all, but in a healthy way. Skipping school, drinking, smoking, and whatever else you’re doing, aren’t the right choices. Make better ones and you can have the privileges back.”

Ava probably heard one tenth of that and then tuned me out, but I feel better having said it.

I send Kristin a text.



* * *



Me: Good luck when Finn becomes a teenager.





* * *



Kristin: Ava being a brat again?





* * *



Me: Again? When did she stop?





* * *



Kristin: That’s why we have two kids. The first one we fuck up and then fix all the mistakes with the second kid. Parker is your do over.





* * *



She’s so stupid.

Or maybe she’s brilliant.



* * *



Me: Nicole is on her way to talk to her.





* * *



Kristin: You think Nicole is the best one to give her advice? Are you drunk?





* * *



Me: Desperate.





* * *



At this point, I would take help from anyone. My parents left for a two-month cruise and land tour of Europe. Peter’s parents are worthless. When he died, in their eyes, so did we. I’m the girl who got knocked up, forced him to get married, and stole their son. I’ve always been the anti-Christ, only now they don’t have to pretend anymore. And my sister, Amy, moved to Brazil with her new husband. I’m pretty much on my own.

“Mommy?” Parker’s sweet voice breaks the silence.

“Hi, buddy.” I open my arms and he doesn’t hesitate.

Parker climbs up and fits perfectly to my side. “Do you think Daddy can hear me when I pray?”

I look at him, trying to control my shock. “I sure hope so.”

His eyes fill with unshed tears. “I miss him.”

“I do too.”

“Why did he go to Heaven?” Parker asks.

Because a selfish asshole didn’t want to plead guilty to a crime he committed and decided to kill your father for pushing the deal.

I give him the softer version. “Sometimes, the people we love are needed as angels,”

He lays his head on my shoulder and sighs. “I wish God let him stay.”

“Me too, Spiderman. Me too.”

“Why do you call me that?” he asks with a knowing smile.

I grin back at him. He loves this story and I love to tell it. “Well, when we found out that we were going to have a baby, your dad wanted to name you something super cool and I didn’t like the name Peter.” We both giggle. “I was joking about all the crazy names that he kept throwing out, like Hulk and Ironman.” I widen my eyes. “Trying to make Daddy laugh, I said, sure, why don’t we name him Peter Parker.”

“And he said Spiderman!”

“Yes, he did.” I tickle him. “So, I loved my Peter and I love my Parker.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

My throat dries and I fight back the tears. “I love you and Ava with my whole heart.”

I thank God Parker doesn’t remember how hard life was after he was born. All he’ll know is that his father loved him. He’ll be able to hold that to his chest, where Ava remembers how much Peter and I fought, mostly about the little boy in my arms.

Peter loved him, but finances were tight and I needed to go back to work, but I wanted to give our son the same attention Ava received. With that choice came sacrifices to the life we were living, and I was willing to make them, but Peter wasn’t. He wanted the new cars, the addition on the house, and Ava to stay in private school. Coupled with that, and Parker’s first year of cleft palate surgeries . . . we almost fell apart.