If I Only Knew(5)

Nicole places her hand on my arm. “You’re doing great. This is just teenagers being assholes. She’s pissed at the world. She loved Peter and he was angry with her the day he was shot. Imagine that heavy burden she’s carrying, Danni.”

“He loved her. She knows that.”

“Does she? She can’t ask him. I’m sure a part of her gets it, but she’s pissed off and you’re the only person she has left that is pretty much required to love her disrespectful ass.”

“Am I though?” I joke.

No amount of attitude would dull the love I feel for my daughter. I just wish she didn’t make it so difficult to like her.

Nicole shrugs. “My moral compass broke a long time ago, I wouldn’t go by me. If my kid ends up being anything like me, I’m selling him to the highest bidder.”

She’s full of shit. For all the crap she pulls, her heart is ten times too big. She loves the people around her more than any of us deserve. I showed up at her office and she cancelled a client because I was unable to get a grip. That client might have been her husband, but still.

“Well, I have one teenager free of charge,” I offer, only partially kidding.

“Yours is defective. If you want someone to take the goods, you need to sell the product better.”

“Idiot.”

“Whatever.” Nicole tilts her head. “But I’ll talk to her today. Maybe take her out for dinner, slap her around a bit since no one can call child services on me, and bring her back with a shiny new attitude.”

If only it worked that way.

“I appreciate you trying,” I say and then look out the window.

Nothing any of us said to Nicole ever changed her ways, so I don’t think she’ll be able to get Ava to stop her crap either. Then again, no one has ever really been able to resist Nicole, so maybe there’s hope after all.

“Look, I can’t promise anything, but I understand where Ava is at right now.”

My eyes meet hers. “Angry?”

She nods. “When my dad left, I was pissed! I hated him, my mom, the girl who took him from my mom. The fact that he couldn’t care less about me made it easy to act like a total jackass. Ava lost her father too, and isn’t coping.”

I’ve tried everything to get her to open up and Nicole knows that. I’ve taken her to counseling and spent time with her one on one. My parents have even tried, and she refuses to give an inch.

At the counselor, she literally sat there refusing to speak. I was the winner of a two-hundred-dollar therapy bill and zero words spoken.

“I’m just at a loss. I feel like I lost both of them the day Peter was murdered.”

Nicole takes my hand, “I’ll talk to her.”

I squeeze. “Thank you.”

“You know, Heather might be a good one too. Her parents were killed as well, and maybe she can shed some light on breaking through to Ava.”

I nod. “It’s been hard for Heather,” I say. “She’s endured so much loss. I hate to ask her to even touch any of mine.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Hey!” I protest.

“For real. You think Heather gives a shit? She wants to be there for you, Danni. You’ve pushed everyone to this outer fringe of friendship the last eighteen months. Kristin barely speaks to you, Heather calls and you don’t answer, the only reason you talk to me is because I don’t give a shit about boundaries. You tried with me, but I won’t let you. I’m not nice like them and won’t give you space. I know you’re only using it as a big fat excuse to run away and hide.”

I get to my feet, ready to fight. “Fuck you!”

“No thanks, I’m a married woman.”

All of the anger I had drains as she stands there with a smile, and I burst out laughing. “God, I hate you sometimes.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you. You know that right?”

I look at my friend and nod. “I know.”

Nicole walks closer. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. I lost Callum for a week and I thought I was going to crumble. To know that I would never see him again, would destroy me. So, I won’t stand here like an asshole and tell you how to live, but I ask you this, are you living?”

I don’t have the answer to that. I wake up, I function, I survive, but I’m angry. I’m angry at the piece of shit who stole away my husband. I’m livid that we don’t have answers because the justice system that Peter was a part of continues to fail me. I feel a deep rage at the fact that we’re the ones who suffer because of it all.

I lost my husband.

My children lost their father.

Our entire lives were altered because of someone else.

Someone who still hasn’t been brought to justice for his crime.

If this is living, then no, I’m not.

“I’m doing the best I can,” I say.

“Callum said he offered you his brother’s old position?” she asks, changing the subject.

Nicole watches me and I stare at her. I know that she’ll tell me I should take it. That Parker is old enough now to have his mother return to the workforce in full, and she’s right. It’s not because of him or Ava, but because I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to do the job.