Help Me Remember (Rose Canyon, #1)(61)

I want to cry.

The scent of that cigar was so strong and so similar to the smell from my first memory, and I guess I just wanted it to tie back to him.

Instead of allowing the tears to come, I force a soft laugh. “I didn’t think so. It would’ve been crazy if we were together and no one knew.”

“There’s not a chance in hell we could’ve done that.”

No, I guess not. Spencer would never have lied to Isaac. Addy would’ve known, and she was genuinely shocked when I found that ring.

But, oh, how I wish . . .

As crazy as it is, it’s also not. Spencer is the one person in this world I have always thought would be my equal in every way. He’s who I want to talk to each morning and the man I think of when I drift to sleep. He has always lived in the back of my mind, but this new version of him doesn’t make sense.

Like, why does he kiss me like this? How can he make me forget all my pain and smile when we have never had this kind of connection? Why do I feel his gaze on me everywhere? I’ve fought against myself, tried so hard to brush it off, but I can’t stop thinking there’s something between us. “Have we been more?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“Because what would’ve changed in the last month? Why would you suddenly see me differently?”

Spencer leans his back against the railing, staring into the party. “You have always been different to me. It just wasn’t the right time.”

“And now suddenly is? After Isaac? That doesn’t make sense.”

“I don’t know . . .” he admits.

The wind blows, and I cinch his jacket tighter. Spencer steps to me, rubbing my arms. I look up into his green eyes, wanting to understand. “It’s so hard for me to know what’s reality and what’s a dream.”

He stares down at me. “What do you mean?”

I haven’t said anything to Spencer, but I did talk to Dr. Girardo yesterday about the vivid dreams. I wake up, so sure that my dream was a memory. Spencer’s hands are on my body, I see his smile as we are in the dream. All of my senses are engaged, and I’ve woken up more than once, panting and longing for him.

Dr. Girardo and I unpacked the one I had yesterday, and he pointed out that the sequence of events in the dreams aren’t in order. I’ll be kissing Spencer one second and fighting with him the next. He and I think it could be a mix of a memory of someone else and I’m replacing that person with Spencer. He said that, until I have this occur in an awake state, he would agree with my assessment that it’s a mash-up of dreams, memories, and events, but it’s unclear which is which.

“I dream of you,” I tell him. His hands stop moving, but he doesn’t let go. “I dream of us together on the beach like we were a few weeks ago. I dream about us eating dinner in my apartment or of you sneaking out in the morning. I wake up, so sure that it’s real, but I think it’s just me wishing it were.” His breathing has gotten a little faster, and I look him in his eyes as I say, “Tell me, is it a memory or a dream?”

“It can be the future,” he says, moving his hands up my arms to my neck, cradling my face.

He leans in, and this will be the first time he’s kissed me in public. There are hundreds of people right on the other side of the glass. I close my eyes, ready for his lips on mine.

“Brielle! Brie!” Charlie calls, and Spencer pulls away a second before she rounds the corner. “There you are! I have been looking all over for you. Fancy finding you here too, Spencer.”

“Charlie,” he says and then clears his throat. “We came out here for some air.”

Charlie chuckles. “Sure, you did. I’m not an idiot. You do realize there are a lot of windows in this establishment, right?”

“We weren’t . . .”

“I don’t care what you two do, I just came out here to stop it before everyone else saw the two of you lock lips. We both know how some people react to things. So, laugh now at my hilarious joke.” Neither of us do. She lifts her brows. “Go on.”

Spencer and I smile and then pretend to laugh. “Okay.”

“Now, Spencer, you go inside and get Brielle’s clutch since Brielle has a headache. It’s best you take her home.”

He nods once and heads off.

“Is it that bad?” I ask nervously.

“No, we just had to calm Emmett down a little.”

I groan. “What does he have to be upset about?”

Charlie arches a brow. “Babe, you don’t remember a large gap of your life and everyone is trying to protect your testimony. Emmett has already been told that he’s at a major disadvantage because there is no evidence pointing to a suspect. They are pinning all their hopes on you. He doesn’t want to give a defense any possible ammunition.”

“What does that have to do with Spencer?”

Her smile is soft, but there’s a little censure there. “It’s just not the best optics. Not when the DA already has issues with Spencer helping you. The regular protocol would be working with Dr. Girardo.”

“I asked him to help.”

“And you aren’t legally bound to do whatever the protocol is. But you have a team of people who want to protect you and also get justice for someone you all loved. Also, Emmett is a guy who has been to war and seen shit. He’s watched people he loves die, and that’s never easy, but when you get out of that wartime mindset, you don’t think you’ll see your friend shot at home. I think everyone here is feeling uneasy.”