Four Week Fiance 2(42)

“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”

“I’m scared to tell him.” My eyes widened.

“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horn and go for it.”

“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”

“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”

“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there was a possibility of him loving me that it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”

“Everyone has a secret, Mila.”

“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I just feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it, when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”

“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”

“There is no bad in TJ.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”

“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”

“Even I have secrets, Mila.” He touched the top of my head. “Even I have secrets, but that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.”





Chapter Nine

TJ


Ten Years Ago



It had been ten years since my mother's death and I was leaving for college the next day. I figured I might as well ask my dad what had happened that night. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. I wanted to somehow reach the parts of me that had been locked off my whole life. I didn't like being the cold, uncaring guy. I wasn't that guy. I had so many feelings inside, but I didn't know how to express them or get them out. I didn't know how to be open. And the older I got the more uncomfortable I was about love and relationships and getting too close. I'd dated some girls that had balled their eyes out when we'd broken up. They'd cried and told me they hated me and loved me and wanted to die and it scared me. I didn't want to make anyone feel like they weren't enough just because they weren't what I wanted. I mean, if I was honest with myself I didn't want to get emotionally involved, period. That was not who I was or who I would ever be. I'd never been in love. Never even thought I was close, and was glad for it. I didn't want that power over anyone and I didn't want anyone to have any power over me.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Cody hit me in the shoulder. "Let's go."

"Hold on, I need to ask my dad something first."

"Hurry up. The guys are waiting." Cody frowned and looked at his watch. I knew he didn't care about the waiting guys as much as he cared that Lisa, the head cheerleader, was into him and also waiting at the bowling alley for us.

“Dude, chill. I’ll be back to talk in a few minutes,” I said and left him in my bedroom and headed towards my dad’s study. I knocked on the door and waited for him to let me come in.

“Dad,” I said as I opened the door and walked in. He was sitting at his table, drinking a glass of what I supposed was whiskey or gin and staring at a contract.

“What’s going on, TJ?” He looked up at me and then back down at the contract.

“Can we talk?” I asked him as I walked over to the desk.

“I’m going over a contract.” He frowned. “Can we talk later?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I want to talk now.”

“I’m really quite busy.” He took a sip of the warm brown liquid in his crystal glass.

“This won’t take long,” I said and placed my fists on the table in front of him and leaned into his face. “I want to talk now.”

“What do you want to talk about?” He put his glass back on the table and then gazed at me, his face void of expression.

“I want to know about the day Mom died,” I said and waited for him to react, though he didn’t even blink.

“Okay.” He shrugged. “What do you want to know?”

“What happened that day? Why was she so upset? Why did she take those pills?”

“Your mother had issues. Suffered from depression. Who knows why she did what she did.”

“That’s not a good answer, Dad.” My eyes narrowed and I looked at him coldly. “Why did she hate you? Why was she crying? Why didn’t you seem to care when she died?”

“I loved your mother, TJ.” He leaned back and picked up his glass again slowly and took a long sip. “She had her issues. I got tired of having to deal with them. I referred her to shrinks. She was on medication. I did everything I could do, but she didn’t get better. That’s not my fault.”

“What issues did she have?” I banged the table. “Give me something, goddammit. I need something concrete.”

“Your mother was mentally imbalanced.” He shrugged again. “Maybe she just had a few screws loose. You should be glad you don’t have that same issue.”